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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mum should accept me how I am?

20 replies

sevendwarves · 30/01/2011 19:31

I've always been on the large side, and have been used to my mum criticising my weight for as long as I can remember. At my biggest I was a size 20, but I've since lost over 3 stone. I'm now still a size 16 but tbh I'm happy at this size and not really bothered about losing any more weight.

Anyway, she phoned earlier and during our conversation she asked what we'd had for tea. When I said I'd made a steak pudding she told me "you shouldn't be eating that, you'll put all your weight back on". This isn't the first time it's happened and it's the standard response I get if I've eaten pretty much anything except salad!

Her mum was a very large woman and died of a heart attack (minor point she smoked 60 a day!). I dont think she's trying to be nasty but obviously it is hurtful.

I think the reason it upsets me so much is that I've always been told I was an accident, and I feel as though she doesn't quite accept me for who I am. My DSis (pfb) is also a size 16 but has never been bigger than that but doesn't get these comments.

Sorry for rambling but AIBU or is she?

OP posts:

mutznutz · 30/01/2011 19:36

From what you've said in your OP, I can't see her as anything other than worried/supportive of you.

I imagine she knows how hard you must have tried to lose 3st...so perhaps she's just 'wagging her finger' in the way most of us mums do.

Obviously it's a sore subject for you, but if your Mum cant worry for you and pull you up a bit...who can?

AgentZigzag · 30/01/2011 19:37

At face value I would say she just sounds as though she's worrying about you and can't help herself.

The way you react to it is key I think, if you're apologetic in your answer then she'll think she has the right to critisise, you need to make it clear she's overstepped a boundary and you want her to stop.

If she strops about it, that's up to her.

Of course she has to accept you as you are.

I'm wondering what her motivations were though when she repeatedly told you were an accident?

That you somehow 'owe' her for taking you on??

Virgowoo · 30/01/2011 19:38

YANBU. None of her business what you have for dinner, you're an adult.

My mum made me think I was enormous as a teenager (size 14, 5' 8") and I wore baggy clothes all the time. Still the same size, but happy with it now. Lucky I didn't end up with an eating disorder.

Mums sometimes think they're being encouraging, I think, when it actually cuts to the quick.

ragged · 30/01/2011 19:42

Just wait until we're all mums and the corkers we're gonna come out with...

She just sounds concerned to me.
If you really don't want her to voice her concerns that way, you need to tell her how you feel when she says things like that and ask her not to say things like that, again. Acknowledge her concerns with respect, and ask her to bite her tongue in future.

I think your Dsis doesn't get the comments because, like you say, she hasn't been as big as you, so hasn't worried your mum as much (and the fact that your mum worries about you is proof that she cares, no??). It doesn't sound like anything else to me.

Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 30/01/2011 19:43

Yanbu and congratulations on the weight loss btw.

I lost the same amount ly and I know how happy you must feel so it would be a downer to have her commenting. Is she big herself?

She probably thinks she is being helpful. Next time just tell her you had a grape or something. Or just say nah mum I'm still the same size as the average UK woman.

ragged · 30/01/2011 19:44

My kids were mostly accidents, Me and DH & all our siblings were accidents, most of our parents were and some of our uncles were unintended... quite normal for us! More of a family joke about our collective lack of good planning than anything else.

onceamai · 30/01/2011 19:44

You have my every sympathy. I was an accident too and not pretty enough, or jolly enough or talented enough. In fact at 50 I know I will never please her whatever I do so I just let it wash over me now. It isn't nice but she probably can't help herself.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 19:47

YABU a bit really.

You have done great to lose the weight. It must be a worry to her especially with losing her mum due to heart problems. And if your mum cant be honest with you, then who can.

Steak and Kidney Pie isnt the healthiest of foods, to be fair.

supersalstrawberry · 30/01/2011 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

sevendwarves · 30/01/2011 19:58

onceamai I'm glad you've accepted it now! I know I shouldnt take it personally but its a bit of a sore point and it does upset me. Perhaps I just need a witty remark to come back with!

binfull she's a size 12, and always says she's fat and that she was a size 8 at my age, even when she was pregnant with my DSis.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 30/01/2011 20:41

I'd tell her you aren't telling her as you don't like the snide comments she makes about your diet.
I don't see why hearing what someone else has had for dinner is that exciting anyway.
Alternatively you could just say "tuna salad" each time and turn it into a sort of joke.
If you ask someone what they had for dinner and they tell you the reply should usually be "ooh that sounds nice".

Minin · 30/01/2011 20:50

I sympathise utterly. In fact, i was thinking of posting a thread on something similar. My mother is coming to visit for a couple of weeks and I just hate it when she comments on my weight. She has always had eating problems, and is now I guess a size 20. i am currently slightly smaller than a 14, but too large for a 12, but am also a few months post partum. i am struggling to lose. She has always obsessed over my weight as well as hers, with the result that i starve and binge eat. When I think back... she used to drag me on the scales when i was 16... i was 5 ft 4 and 9 stone. Oh to be 9 stone now!

I am trying to eat sensibly and to lose between half a pound and a pound a week- but when i found out my mother was coming, that sent me on a binge eating cycle that today had me almost hysterical in my misery.

The comments your parents make hurt much deeper than anything, even when they may mean well.

biryani · 30/01/2011 21:12

Think she just means well. As to your being an "accident", it doesn't mean you weren't loved or wanted. My mother used to spend Sunday afternoons squeezing my blackheads and gave me a proper complex about my skin and looks, but I'm sure whe meant well really!!

justcarrots29 · 30/01/2011 21:18

YANBU - just because she is your mother does not mean she has any business criticising you for having an unhealthy meal every now and then. You say it is the same with just about anything you eat that isn't salad - well that is just ridiculous. People often assume if you are over a 12 then you MUST want to lose weight. It is your business and BECAUSE she is your mother she should learn to have a bit more tact and consideration for your feelings and independence. Take care.

A1980 · 30/01/2011 21:41

YANBU to be annoyed by it. But she is probably just worried. When you were losing weight, did you talk to her about it, share your concerns and your successes with it? if so, then pperhaps she's just worried for you incase you put it on again.

My mum's a pain in the arse with food and I'm not over weight. Once when we were at dinner at one of her freinds, I put quite a big lump of butter on my potatoes and veg. I don't normally even have butter in the house, margarine is what I have. I just fancied it. She pulled faces at me and frowned and then mouthed "no more". Ditto when i reached for the salt. I wanted to tell her to fuck off.

MoaningMedalllist · 30/01/2011 21:50

My mums very like this

How would you mum react if you told her you were geniuinely upset by this??

Original poster

sevendwarves · 30/01/2011 22:10

Thanks for your replies everyone.

medalllist I have told her before I don't like her commenting on my weight (a long time ago, I've since given up). She just can't help herself.

OP posts:

MoaningMedalllist · 31/01/2011 13:30

sevendwarves _

Its difficult Im in a similar situation,
I am overweight, and my mum was taking about stuff and she starting 'pudging me'

pokin me in my stomach, I was a bit narky with her and said I don't like it, and how would she like it, (overweight herself)

but Its always I#m being oversensitive,defensive (I'm sure most people would be at being poked and ridiculed at the same time)

I think all I can advise is just tell her she is being very rude and that shes no oil painting either, I know thats rude but its the only thing that shuts my mum up,

MoaningMedalllist · 31/01/2011 13:34

A1980
sorry just readt stood out she sounds awful. no offence, but probably means well

some mothers are their daughters worst enemy seriously

Pixieonthemoor · 31/01/2011 13:40

Gosh Minin - are you me?! I have exactly the same situ and my mother harped on and on about my weight and what I eat. OP - The only thing that helped eventually was when I absolutely and utterly lost it with her. She was having yet another dig (well, that is what it feels like, doesnt it?!) and I told her in the strongest terms how it made me feel. I met each of her counter arguments head on and she has now backed off quite a bit although still makes the occasional comment. If you dont tell her that her comments make you feel like tearing your hair out then she is going to think its fine and go on doing it. I am fairly tough so have come through it all without an eating disorder but thousands wouldnt have.......

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