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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to MIL reading my mail?

48 replies

elizabethtailored · 30/01/2011 17:06

It drives me mad. Whenever she comes round she picks up cards on mantelpiece and reads them. I don't mind if it has been my or DH's birthday (although I still think it I would say 'do you mind if I look at your cards?) Cards sent from friends eg. on anniversary of my mother's death. These are personal and I don't feel I should have to hide them in my own house. She also does it with any post we have lying around - on kitchen table etc.

Am I being ridiculous??

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 18:43

How about an incredulous "Are you reading my personal mail" with a shocked look on your face.

LindyHemming · 30/01/2011 18:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TastesLikePanda · 30/01/2011 18:49

Hey - Valentines Day is coming up... why not 'recieve' a whole bunch of cards from other men. George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Ed Miliband(!) - whoever floats your boat. Then proudly put them on display and watch her splutter!
Only do this obviously, if your DH would think it was funny - he could do the same with his favourite fantasy ladies...

CrapBag · 30/01/2011 18:50

How rude!! YANBU.

I don't think cards on display are fair game. Just because they are up, doesn't give anyone the right to come in a read them, particularly if it is sent from a partner or something.

Just a "do you mind, thats private" with a 'look' will do (and I know what you mean, I loathe confrontation with a passion but I have had to do it with my MIL when she wouldn't stop groping my pregnant belly).

MsKLo · 30/01/2011 19:00

I would definately go with the dirty cards to each other idea and please please come back and tell us her reaction!

Bluejeans

Hows it going for you now?

mitochondria · 30/01/2011 19:31

It might be another generational thing, this. My MIL likes to look at cards on display, so does my mum.

I think they keep a mental checklist to make sure that everyone who "should" have sent you one did.

My mum, for example, will come and check that my brother has sent me a card, so that she can be disapproving at him if he forgets.

I personally don't care if he sends me one or not.

I tend to hide mail away. MIL does like to look over my shoulder when I'm on the laptop "ooh, what are you reading there then?"

I find that intrusive.

Chulita · 30/01/2011 19:44

I don't think cards on display are fair game - someone sends me a card, I put it up for a bit to remind me of them, not so people can read them. That might seem odd but the card was sent to me, not to anyone who comes into my house. MIL does this to me too and it makes me so angry. fwiw she does actually open post if it's sitting around

bluejeans · 30/01/2011 19:45

MsKLo the ILs are off to Australia for 6 weeks to see some relatives - bliss!

belleofbelfastcity · 30/01/2011 20:12

YANBU

My MIL does this - but not my own parents. She is very much of the school of thought that "if it's in DS' house, then it's my property" - nothing is off limits for prying or commenting on.

She's also definitely one of those people who loves showing off her own cards, insisting we look at all the "congratulations on becoming a grandmother" - WTF???!! - ones.

My mum and stepdad formulated a plan when they were next round at the same time as her - SD went to look at a card and mum very loudly said "Oh no, what are you doing, those are private cards, you need to ask Belle if you can read them"... MIL has the hide of a rhino, so I'm not sure if she got the message. But she reads anything and everything that might be sitting about, so I have had to expunge all the cards and letters I have kept in my writing bureau for years and they are now in a box in the attic as she just can't be trusted not to spy around, look in the filing boxes at bank statements etc.

GloriaSmut · 30/01/2011 23:56

If you put cards on mantelpieces then it is not unreasonable to expect people to read them. They are on display. Reading your post is an altogether different and wholly unacceptable thing to do. However, while you shouldn't have to hide your private correspondence, I doubt that any other remedy will solve the problem.

steppemum · 31/01/2011 00:18

I often look at displayed cards, but just to read the funny jokes or to make a polite comment about whoevers birthday it is. I am careful not to read messages inside. We put valentines etc up in the bedroom.

I would be very offended about reading post. My Mum has a real thing about private post and DH was amazed when we were first married that I insisted that he never open post addressed to me. After all, we have no secrets, but it is the principal. he wouldn't dream of doing it now!

Some of this is about attitude though isn't it? Something on the table catching their eye is annoying but maybe I should have put it away, whereas deliberately reading letters or poking in corners or looking in a desk then the whole assumption that it is OK is very rude.

JaneS · 31/01/2011 00:25

Surely cards on display are on display for the outside?! Why would you take them down and look at the inside - do you look in other people's cupboards on the basis the cupboard doors are in sight too?

steppemum · 31/01/2011 00:58

Littlereddragon - I do look at the outside, as I said I wouldn't read the message inside.

But I also wouldn't put out a card with a private message as plenty of people do look at them

cards are different to post though

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 31/01/2011 01:01

I do think it's rude to pick up cards and read them, just because the outside is 'on display' doesn't mean you can read the inside, same as if someone had left their diary on the coffee table, it doesn't mean it's fine for you to pick it up and read it.

However, I don't really care if people read Birthday/Christmas cards etc - but I'd be a bit annoyed if they picked up Anniversary/Valentines/Other cards as the messages are likely to be very personal as opposed to quite a general 'Happy Birthday, love x'.

Just manners surely to respect other peoples privacy?!

As for mail lying around, that's beyond rude. I'd definitely leave some 'fun' mail rest homes/living overseas etc.

I think you are going to have to practice 'Please don't do that - it's personal' - tough if she doesn't like it!

JaneS · 31/01/2011 01:06

steppe - I wasn't addressing that comment to you! I agree it is normal to read the outsides of cards left up, and I agree I wouldn't put anything very personal on display - but it's the principle of it, isn't it? My mum often glances across my bank statement. I know there's nothing remotely exciting on there (it's usually a mix of Tesco, Sainsburys, local corner shop for milk, train fares and monthly rent, not at all anything I'd care to keep private): but I object to her assuming it's ok for her to look! It's not to do with the content, it's to do with boundaries and her not realizing that there might be some things that are private.

Imo, the insides of cards are definitely private!

steppemum · 31/01/2011 01:23

yes I agree it is the attitude and the assumption.
I still find it gobsmacking that any parent thinks it is ok to look at their grown child's post.
Actually I don't look at my kid's post, and wouldn't dream of opening something that came in the post for them, and they are 3, 5 and 8!

Bogeyface · 31/01/2011 01:35

SO take it that your 3 year old has its own filing cabinet?!

onceamai · 31/01/2011 07:12

I think if a card is put up it is on display and therefore totally reasonable that someone else should look at it. The DH has sent me the odd card which is loving and personal and has been put up on my dressing table and that would be going too far.

As for the post, if it was something I didn't want anyone to see, I would put it away to avoid temptation.

I generally don't have secrets and certainly anything left on an open surface downstairs wouldn't bother me. I would draw the line if she went through my desk or my dressing table/bedside cabinet but it wouldn't worry me in an open part of the house because there is nothing private there anyway.

Original poster

elizabethtailored · 31/01/2011 08:54

Last time it happened (the anniversary card which she stood on tip toe to reach) I did say to her - 'those are our anniversary cards to each other' thinking it said enough and anyone would take the hint from that....instead she just looked at me, strained that little bit higher on her tip toes to lift them both down to look at. Surely anyone else would realise this implied it was personal combined with the fact it was sitting on top of a book case?

Her husband looked awkward when I said this- he had got the point.

They are coming for Sunday lunch. I am going to buy a card with hearts and and write a long descriptive passage about how much I enjoy licking her son's balls....

OP posts:

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 31/01/2011 09:12

You could get a bunch of post-it notes and write 'Keep your prying nose out of other people's mail' on each one, and put them inside your cards and mail - then watch for her reaction!

I would be furious if people were reading my private correspondance - even cards from the mantlepiece.

Hassled · 31/01/2011 09:14

tbh I think cards on display in the house are fair game - they're there to be read, I've always thought.

But reading actual letters - that's outrageous.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 31/01/2011 09:15

YANBU! My FIL has done this before, looking through bank statements that were in a pile on our kitchen table, even being so cheeky as to blatently flick through them rather than just having a sneaky peak.

Original poster

elizabethtailored · 31/01/2011 09:22

Prettymuch - that is outrageous! Did you comment?

OP posts:

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