to move

[luvsgonzo]

as the title says really

moved here nearly 2 years ago my 2 older ds's in the past couple of weeks have started saying they miss their family and want to move back ds1 (7yrs) became quite upset and cried last night saying he wanted to move back

from the sounds of it my 2 older dc's have never really settled but when i have spoken to friends they have said i should stick it out longer and the kids will settle eventually and i should stay here

in my heart it says i should do it considering how the boys feel or am i taking too much into it ??

how old are the children?

how far away from family are you?

my dc's are 7 6 2 and 8 months

we are bout an hour and half away on the train we moved here as a fresh start so to speak

It seems very odd that your DCs have only mentioned it in the last couple of weeks and that your post mentions only their feelings and nothing else about the situation. Surely there is more to this than that?

In general I would agree with your friends - your kids will settle. Though I would really have expected that to happen within two years - it maybe there situation needs changing. Doesn't necessarily mean moving back though.

the onl;y thing that has happened in the last 2 weeks is we went and stayed with my family for a couple of days and when it came to time to come home they went from being happy to being very quiet

when i asked them what was wrong they said they didnt want to come home and wanted to stay with my family and that they have never really liked it here

It's a hard time of year for lots of people, including kids. Xmas is over, easter and summer are a long way off... Maybe they're having January blues. I remember feeling as a child that there was not much to look forward to at this time of year.

Perhaps leave it til a little later in the year then see how they (and you) feel.

Perhaps you need to explain to them that how it is on holiday isn't how it would always be if they lived there, it'd be the same as where they are now ie at home.

They probably got a lot of attention and did new stuff, going home is always a bit deflating when your small.

To answer your OP, I don't think I'd leave the decision to move to my DC, you live where you live and they have to get on with it.

Perhaps ask them what is it about your new place they don't like and what was it about the old place that was better. Maybe the answer will give you something you can fix. Like for example if they say they miss going to the park that used to be opposite the house then make more trips to the park nearest your new house.

ok thank you for the replies

it just hurt to see my oldest cry the way he did

they do understand the concept of holidays and it isnt the 1st time we have gone back to stay it just this time the reaction was very very different so just feel a bit confused by it all really

As ZigZag says, going back to familiar ground, AND being spoilt a bit, which they no doubt were in the nicest sense, was a treat, that wouldnt be the same if they lived back there.

They will settle.

from the sounds of it my 2 older dc's have never really settled

I would have thought that you would surely know by now if they havent or not. Two years is long enough for kids that age to have settled into school and made new friends.

YOU are the adult and you have to base your decision on their future. Their education, job prospects, which may seem a long way in the future, but it soon comes around and moving again would be a big upheaval.

luvsgonzo When I said you don't mention anything else about the situation I also meant reasons that aren't about how your DCs feel. Why did you move in the first place? What is your life like? Have things worked out as you anticipated or have the good things you hoped for failed to materialize? You have to balance that with your DCs' feelings and needs too. For adults I would say it normally takes 3 - 4 years to start to feel at home in a new place, so I wonder to some extent whether you are also feeling a little homesick?

I agree with some of the other posters that if you've just been back to see your family then the feedback you're getting is not a good indicator of the general state of things. Talking to your DCs in a month or so about how they feel, what they miss, and what they like about the move might be more informative.

It must be upsetting to think your DCs might be unhappy because of a decision you made. But you do need to consider things other than their current state of happiness in evaluating what you should do for your family. Them not being entirely happy with the decision doesn't mean you made a bad one.

is there any significance when you say "we moved here as a fresh start" ?

sorry suchprospects
not really with it today

we haven't lived near my family for 5 years
we stayed with them briefly after a violent relationship ended
being at home brought bad memories back of being with dc's 1 and 2's dad felt a fresh start was needed so moved to a new area were we didn't know anyone felt it was best
i have made a few close friends and have a few more i chat to if i see
from what the older 2 have said to me they haven't made many friends either they don't socialize with children were we live as when they 1st tried the children weren't very nice and made fun of them due to the fact they both had very bad speech problems
they have both had speech therapy which has improved their speech loads
at 1st both seemed to be homesick and want to go back to being with family and i asked them to give it a chance and they did seem to
tbh i'm happy were ever i am as long as my kids are i think this has all taken me by surprise as it seems to have come out of the blue and i guess i just needed some different views to help me decide if it would be for the best

I'm the one that should be apologising I wasn't clear in my question - it was very general.

Going back to your family doesn't sound like it would be that healthy for you necessarily, which would have a detrimental impact on your DCs.

It also sounds like your kids have had a somewhat disrupted beginning to their lives (which is not in any way supposed to be trying to blame you - getting out of an abusive relationship is a great thing to have done for DCs as well as yourself). So their lack of comfort is possibly a little bit down to that. Moving back - even if it's what they think they want - would add to that disruption in some ways.

You've got them somewhere stable where you can build something worthwhile. My instinct would be to try and work on improving their lives where you are. I also (gently) suggest you don't hang your happiness too much on theirs - that's a heavy burden for kids.

Of course, only you can make the decision in the end. You sound like you've done a lot to improve your lives, I'm sure you'll do well for them going forward too.

thank you for your reply
sorry its so late dc4 is a bit unsettled at mo and has been refusing to sleep
i've just re read what i put in the last post i made and it sounds like dc's1 and 2's dad was the violent partner which isn't the case that relationship ended after he cheated and i couldn't get past it (i haven't had much luck on the man front lol)
i guess i just need to take time to think it through more as its not a decision i want to take lightly at all hence my post i just thought a few more views on the situation might help me see things a bit more clearly so thank you for the input it is very much appreciated :)