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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

judgey, or both?

18 replies

weddingnochance · 30/01/2011 14:03

Genuine question here as really not sure.

Stayed at friends last night as her DH working away and she had an event to attend. I have DS 6 and she has DD 5 & 7. All DC's are 10months apart!

Her DDs are very whiney and she gets quite cross sometimes - not my problem not my children but our dc's love each other and play brilliantly (bar the odd argument Grin)

So this morning get up, dc's watch TV have breakfast then alll play Wii together. She had a family lunch to go too so everyone starts to get ready/ dressed.

Her oldest starts to whine about wanting my DS and me to go with them but we explain its her family, no invite etc so she asks if she'll us later. I reply not sure.

As we are all ready to leave me and friend are talking about all things we need to get done today, food shop, ironing etc. And I say I may take DS to [insert place name] later depending on time and food shop cost.

Well the oldest started a real tantrum, 'I wanna go', threatening to hurt her mum as she said she couldn't afford it. My friend looked up and said sarcastically 'thanks mate'. [she wasn't being rude more of you what will happen now]

AIBU to have said it?? If not AIBU to think I should be able to talk feely about my life or should I not mention things I may do that they are not?

OP posts:
ziggiz · 30/01/2011 14:10

Often don't mention things in case it spoils or upsets others kids and they are the same with me. We will text or menbtion stuff when kids not able to overhear. However, she didn't need to be sarcastic. We have to learn to deal with our kids behaviour and they have to learn to deal with not being able to do everything.

Original poster
weddingnochance · 30/01/2011 14:14

Thanks, it wasn't discussed in front of the DC's, we were in a different room, she just happened to walk in (behind me) as I said it.

OP posts:
curlymama · 30/01/2011 15:02

If you wouldn't have said it directly infront of the children, YANBU. If she wasn't being rude with her comment, she WNBU.

The fact that the child heard you is just one of those unfortunate things.

Tortington · 30/01/2011 15:06

just an unfortunate set of circumstances

tomhardyismydh · 30/01/2011 15:09

i tend to not mention things like that but if it happens its unavoidale.

i dont think either of YABU just one of those situations unfortunatly. It does bug me though when my dd does behave like that, but she is 4 and I probably would not expect that type of behaviour from a 10 year old.

NancyDrewHasaClue · 30/01/2011 15:09

Provided you didn't know the child was there YANBU.

But YABU to think you should be able to talk about your life freely in front of other DC. If you are treating your DC it is a common courtesy not to mention that in front of other DC who wont be particpating.

Nando95 · 30/01/2011 15:12

Yanbu- at all!!
I have had similar issues with a friend of mine- I have to be so careful what I say/do as the child in question always wants what my ds has got even if she already has something similar, she wants to go wherever my son goes etc- I am constantly having to change the subject and not mention these things even though the favour is rarely returned for me. The thing is I dont believe that children can always get what they want and my son needs to understand this so I am not bothered when other people mention what they are doing with their own children the mother just needs to be firmer so dont worry you cant always watch what you say these children need to learn.

humanheart · 30/01/2011 16:28

just trying to get my head round this tbh... so, you can't mention anything that suggests that your children have a life in front of other children in case the other children are jealous and want it too, even though other children have a plenty good life?

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 16:32

I would expect this from a 2 year old perhaps..but not a 7 year old.

Takeresponsibility · 30/01/2011 17:29

There will be a reason that her children continue to whine and cajole after being told no. If I said no (having listened to a reasonable argument)and my kids carried on whining they would get "The Look" and accept my decision. The same applies to my staff!

If she gives in when they winge she has made a rod for her own back, for which you are not responsible.

TheMonster · 30/01/2011 17:33

YANBU. How lovely of you to babysit for her.

Original poster
weddingnochance · 30/01/2011 20:07

Thanks everyone.

Discussing what we've done and what we are doing has never been a problem. We try to do it in a way that won't cause issue but as someone said above we have our own lives and are entitled to live them. I wanted to take DS out as I have been quite ill for a few weeks so he really hasn't had great attention or much 'fun' as such and I've been well for a few days but as we stayed at friends last night he was sharing my attention.

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 30/01/2011 20:16

YANBU - these children are quite old enough to be helped to deal with disappointment without throwing a wobbler

NancyDrewHasaClue · 30/01/2011 20:48

humanheart I think the point is if a young child has asked if you will spend the afternoon with them, it is probably best not to mention that you are in fact going to do something expensive that they will then be excluded from.

humanheart · 31/01/2011 11:12

I got that Nancy, but in life you can't have EVERYTHING you want (which becomes all too apparent as you get older) and it's better to get the hang of that as soon as possible imo. not sure if OP said it was somewhere expensive (?) and she didn't announce it - it was heard accidentally. that's life folks!

NancyDrewHasaClue · 31/01/2011 11:22

And I think everyone has said that it is not a problem if heard accidentally. Some people have suggested that there is no issue talking about something that you know another child would like to do but wont be able to. Why would anyone deliberately upset a (young) child like that?

The reference to the activity being expensive was that the other mum had said the child couldn't do it because it was to expensive.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 31/01/2011 11:53

bit of a non issue isn't it? You were talking to an adult, not in front of the kids, child overheard you accidentally, your friend said "thanks mate" (verbal eye rolling), life trollies on. Or are you trying to make something more out of this????

Original poster
weddingnochance · 31/01/2011 17:26

No really not trying to make something of it.

If IWBU to have mentioned what I was doing when DC's were in the house I wanted to know. I don't want to cause issue but agree with above posters its one of those things in life - not everyone does everything.
It of course would model what I do in the future.

It wasn't expensive - just a trip to the beach and a portion of chips and drink in the beach popular cafe!!

OP posts:
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