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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think I am a 'valued' member of society?

22 replies

slightlymad72 · 30/01/2011 11:15

Looking through the threads on here and replying to some, I am beginning to wonder if I should just lock my door and hide away from the world.

I'm a SAHM with 3 kids, all at school or Uni. My day is filled with ensuring that there home is clean, clothes are washed and good food is there for them to eat. But according to some this is just demeaning work and reinforces the image that this is all women are good for.

I don't go out to work
a)because my 'job' atm is my family
b)financially i don't have to (not wealthy but comfortable if we don't have holidays, stunning home etc)
c)having a child who's health deteriorates within minutes,(walking normally to paralysed) means an employer has to be willing to let me leave without notice.

I believe that my 'Job' is important, that my choices where right, and I will continue with them until I want to go out and be paid for working. My choice!!!

Why do many feel that this isn't good enough?, Why if i'm not paying into the system then I must be taking from it? Why as a SAHM am I not as valued as a working mum? and finally why do people feel the need to judge others on very little/no evidence?

OP posts:

NinkyNonker · 30/01/2011 11:22

I wouldn't place that much value on the opinions of some anonymous internet fairies if I were you. Make the best decisions you can for those that matter to you, based on the best info you have to hand. That is all any of us can do.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 11:22

The most important factor is, you are not claiming benefits, so what you do is YOUR business, not anyone elses.

A family is a team, and you are an equally valuable member of it, without you, your husband would not be able to go out and earn, and vice versa.

Chil1234 · 30/01/2011 11:22

YANBU.... I'm sure you are a valued member of the society you engage with. However YABU to take the ramblings of random strangers on a public message board as any kind of gauge for how society feels as a whole. Message boards attract extreme minorities.

purepurple · 30/01/2011 11:23

YANBU
Of course your job is important. In fact, being a parent is one of the most important jobs you can do. It's just not recognised as such by society as a whole.

mrsgetonwithit · 30/01/2011 11:25

I see it as this all the things that you do at home still has to be done if someone works.
ie cooking cleaning washing etc etc. This is where the arguements start.

If your family is happy with the situation you are then why worry about anyone else.

Having disabled child certainly does change a situation but again if you, your other half are fine with the day to day running of things then all is good.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 11:25

Who cares what other people think?

People who think that the only valid choices are the choices they have made and who look down on people who have made different choices are not people whose opinions I would give a shit about and neither should you.

clevercloggs · 30/01/2011 11:26

its up to you, long as your arent sponging off the state, then no probs in my book

Original poster

slightlymad72 · 30/01/2011 11:30

I'm not taking the ramblings of nutters on here to heart, got too many other serious things to worry about.

I'm just surprised that people feel they are allowed to judge and condemn a part of society with no knowledge of their lives.

I hate discrimination and here it is alive and well, coming from people who at the end of the day are all in the same boat, just doing the very best they can with what they have. Maybe we should all learn that before we judge others we should take a look at ourselves.

OP posts:

ISNT · 30/01/2011 11:35

I know the sort of posts that you are talking about.

It is a shame that there are people around who focus on paid work as the be-all and end-all, and any other sort of occupations at all (looking after children, looking after a home, hobbies, studying etc etc) are a waste of time.

Don't listen to them.

southeastastra · 30/01/2011 11:36

if we took everyone's opinion on here on board we would be in padded cells trying to get it all done.

darleneconnor · 30/01/2011 11:36

There's a lot to be said for not jumping on thd capitalist bandwagon. However if it was me i'd want a little bit of something else, likd some voluntary work or an evening class/ ou.

TheVisitor · 30/01/2011 11:37

If you value yourself, then what anonymous posters on an internet forum think really doesn't matter.

southeastastra · 30/01/2011 11:37

ha still people can't help but add their two pence

ISNT · 30/01/2011 11:39

Ha yes v good little dig there.

Emmanana · 30/01/2011 11:39

At the end of the day, the only person you have to justify yourself to is yourself.
If you treat others as you would wish to be treated, if anyone takes umbrage at the way you live your life, or thinks they have have the right to judge you, then it is they who have the problem.
People crticise and judge for a number of reasons. Jealousy often manifests itself in this way, or there are those who feel so rotten or insecure about themseves that they have to constantly put others down in order to validate their own choices and lifestyles.
So as long you treat others with consideration, and strive to do the best for yourself and your family, you're doing ok.
Anyone who takes exception to that clearly has problems of their own, that they need to draw attention to themselves at the expense of someone else.
They're not worth fretting over. Let them sort their own issues out. The only ones that are worth your concerns are you and your family.

HelenBa · 30/01/2011 11:48

If you are not being funded by society then it's no-one else's business.

But it's easy for me to say that as I am not stuck in some shitty job that I would desperately love to give up - and for people who are unfortunate enough to be in that position the term 'job' refers to something very different from your lifestyle.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 11:51

I dont think there is anything at all wrong in being the person who is in charge of the house, and who keeps it running on a daily basis, and helps everyone elses life to run smoothly.

It certainly shouldnt be under valued either.

jellybeans · 30/01/2011 11:52

YANBU
You are only judged by small minded people who judge purely on what your income/paid work status is. What sort of people are they anyway, abit shallow?

Such people cannot be truly happy. I used to be a working mum and never put SAHMs down. I am a SAHM now and only ever get comments from a minority of working mums, mostly family members. I ignore them and deep down feel sorry for them as they cannot be truly happy with their choice. People happy with their choice don't really care what others choose to do. I think a very small minority of working mums want all mothers to go back to full time work because then they wouldn't need to feel guilty if everyone was doing it.

Be proud of your choice. It takes guts to do what is best for your family (whether that is staying home or work) despite what others think.

I am a happy SAHM but it took a couple of years to get used to it and ignore the social pressures to go to work. I feel liberated now and quite proud that I can stand up to my beliefs. I personally believe you won't regret the time at home and are doing great for your kids. Many people do respect you, it is just that many people in the media have their own agendas. Just ignore them, they are trying to convince themselves an can only do that by putting others down.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 30/01/2011 11:54

Basically if you are a woman you will be criticised whatever you do.

If you go to work you will be criticised for 1. not being there enough for your family and 2. making life hard for your employer by expecting them to adapt to your needs re your child with health issues.

If you stay at home you will be criticised for not contributing economically and mocked as boring or shallow or brainless.

so the only possible thing to do is to not care and not play into their hands by criticising people who make the opposite choice.

sethstarkaddersmackerel · 30/01/2011 11:57

and why do people judge - very often to make themselves feel better about their own choices. Or to make money (if they are DM journalists.)

but most people don't judge; I think women for the most part understand why others make the choices they do (and indeed that there often is no real choice).
a lot of people have been both a working mum and a SAHM at different times so see both sides.

bubblewrapped · 30/01/2011 11:59

I love being at home. It means I can spend lots of time with my MIL who otherwise would be housebound. I work freelance, so I can pick and choose the work I want to do, when I want to do it. I like my husband who works 12 hour days to come home to a tidy house, cooked dinner, clean clothes etc.. and we have weekends to do things together, not rush around catching up on chores like we did when we both worked full time.

Yes, we could have more income if I went out to work full time, but when we were in that situation, we had less time to spend relaxing, so we both prefer it this way.

I quite like being a bit of a 1950's housewife actually

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 30/01/2011 11:59

Well I don't work, in fact except for a brief dally with a paper round i've never worked and don't give a monkeys chuff what anybody thinks about it

And you shouldn't either !

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