Am I being unreasonable to think that my friend is being really quite rude?

[crashingwaves]

Hi

I'll try to keep this short! :)

I have a friend who I once would have said that I was very close to and liked and respected a lot. She has had a rough old trot in particular regarding her finances and I've tried really hard to be supportive and lent her a fairly substansial sum of money in the summer and another one just before Christmas.

I don't mind this but I am getting really fed up and upset by her attitude towards my job. It's a job she used to do and she is constantly bemoaning the fact that she is now on a considerably lesser salary for the job she does now when (she thinks) she does a more important job. I've been putting up with this for a while and sometimes have gently tried to steer the conversation away from specifics (like when she says a mutual friend shouldn't be on her salary because she isn't up to the job - not really fair as said mutual friend has been very poorly!) but I did get fed up last night.

I have had a horrible week at work and I was having a (really very mild) vent about it and got 'told off' for it by my friend and she started telling me about how what I am moaning about happens in most jobs now, I need to get a job doing x, y and z and I will see what it's like and the pay isn't anything like as good, which did annoy me as I hadn't mentioned the pay at all!

I asked her outright if she thought we should be paid less: she gave a long winded answer that clearly meant yes. To be honest and I probably am being unreasonable, but I feel so angry still - I was always brought up to believe it is extremely rude to talk about people's salaries and money (unless they've brought it up themselves of course) and it's just getting to be like her own quite vicious little mantra.

I guess thinking about it, she's changed and I am sorry for her as she has had a rotten time but some of that was because of choices she herself made, particularly financial - I am not being judgemental or nasty as I have made poor financial choices at times too but I don't sit around complaining about how easy everyone else has it!

Please be honest and let me know what you think (but please be nice!) : xx

I hope she has paid you the money back?

Some of it. To be fair I didn't ask for all of it straight away - she was due to give some of the first lot back in the autumn but I was really unwell then so we didn't meet up and I next saw her on my birthday which is right at the end of November and I specifically said that I didn't want it back then as it was just before Christmas - goodwill to all men ;)

The second sum was a bit more awkward as she obviously and to her credit felt bad about asking but I reassured her it was fine. We were due to meet immediately before Christmas but this didn't happen so I didn't get it back. I got some of it back after Christmas and the rest in Jan. Like I say in fairness she has been very unlucky from a financial point of view, it's not so much the money I am annoyed about, it's the fact that she clearly has no respect for my work and talks about it in private and public. She's becoming a most unpleasant person to be around because she's coming across as bitter, nasty and resentful. That's not "her" - but I have been supportive of her and I have tried to help: what more can I do!?

Exactly what I was going to say - has she paid you money back? If not, tell her (not ask) that you need her to pay you back a set amount each month and don't lend her money again! She has a shit, ungrateful attitude and a jealous one too

How rude of her to treat you like this - who is she to question your jobs worth?! You don't owe her Money and you shouldn't have to put up with that!

"Might depend a bit on why she left the job she had which was the same as yours - is she a bit resentful that you still have yours and sh'es not got hers ?"

Thank you. Definitely - but this is partly what confuses me so much as she left it under awful circumstances so surely she appreciates that actually it is a bloody miserable job sometimes!

As you say, what more can you do. You have been more then a good friend to her, to the extent that it sounds like she could be beginning to take advantage of you.

There are 2 sorts of people in this world: THose that see other people doing well and feel pleased for them, and those who see other people doing well and feel hard done by. You can swing between the two depending on how happy or unhappy you are with your own lot in life. She sounds unhappy and bitter and her comments more than likely stem from this rather than because of any genuine opinion that you are overpaid etc.

I have a friend who can get like this and it's extremely wearing. When it happens, I make sure I have been as reasonable and supportive as I possibly can be and if she's still going on I simply see her less often for a while until she's got over it again. We have fallen out once or twice about it, but it's never really damaged our friendship.

Try not to take it personally is my advice. Her comments say more about her personal happiness than they do about you or your job.

Thanks, I guess the money thing I don't mind but I don't know if it's given her an incorrect impression of my richness, lol.

Gissabreak, you're right and while it's always been humming there in the background it has gone from an occasional mention to a frequent mention to something she goes on and on and on about and I don't know (or perhaps she does) just how nasty she sounds. She also gets a look on her face which is quite ugly (I don't mean she personally is ugly) but this grim, set, clenching sort of look. It's quite scary! :)

Thanks, you are wise sunshineandbooks (love that name!) and it is real unhappiness that it stems from and not just nastiness and I should really try to remember that.

I suppose what I am wondering (not expecting anyone to answer, just thinking aloud really) is at what point i'm going to say effectively that I get no fun, joy or pleasure out of being with or talking to this person and it's time to call it a day ... or is that just selfish? I wouldn't want my friends to drop me if I had a bad patch. But I guess that's the difference - I wouldn't say how awful my life was by comparing it with theirs.

I think you should remind your friend that her bad luck is not your fault and that you have been as supportive as possible to her, and that her comments about your job are very upsetting to you.

And is it good for your friend for her to be able to get away with saying whatever she likes, with you always holding back and biting your tongue?

Maybe it would do her good in the long term to hear about how her comments are upsetting you.

Think you are being more of a friend to her than she is being to you. I've had some friendships that actually were quite draining. At one stage, DH asked me, 'why are you friends...' and I struggled to answer. Ask yourself if she is just going through a rough patch and needs your friendship like you need hers, or is this a constant pattern?

I think that's the worst thing in some ways, belgo, as I have told her (though not as directly as I could have admittedly.) In fairness, she has been a good and supportive friend to me in the past which is why I've held back quite a bit on telling her to back off but I'm starting to see that she's changed and it is sad. She's gone from being someone who was kind, gentle, supportive of others and polite to someone who whines, moans and complains, who is rude and dismissive of others and what is going on in their lives and who gets exasperated and irritable at the drop of a hat. All symtoms thinking about it of being unhappy, possibly depressed and very, very low. I should show her this thread really!

"Think you are being more of a friend to her than she is being to you. I've had some friendships that actually were quite draining. At one stage, DH asked me, 'why are you friends...' and I struggled to answer. Ask yourself if she is just going through a rough patch and needs your friendship like you need hers, or is this a constant pattern?"

I think this is the problem, I can certainly think of times in the past when I might have been "that friend" - where I may have been quite draining. I know after having DS I was quite badly depressed and I was probably a pain in the bum then! I used to cry ALL the time and I gained a lot of weight in pregnancy and even though I've got most of it off now (last stone refuses to go, grr, although the choccy biscuits I ate last night didn't help!) I still get very paranoid about looking fat and probably go on and on and on about it - you know those annoying size 12 people who go on about how fat they are, that's me ! (By the way DS is nearly 4 so this wasn't last year or something!)

I suppose to be blunt, if I had her life, if I lived as she did/does, I'd be unhappy too - which feels very unkind - but then I think she has to choose how she's going to react to it and getting hung up on other people's salaries (and mine is by no means amazing, it's good but not brilliant) is helping no one, least of all her ... I think I will say that last thing to her.

It's one thing being depressed and moaning about your life (we are all entitled to do that); but quite another if you are criticising and insulting a friend who is trying to help and support you.

I don't blame you for being fed up with this, it all sounds a bit much.

Would you be able to have an honest chat to her about it?

Crashing speaks sense. We all need to re evaluate our lives from time to time and that includes our friendships. Sounds like you have tried to be supportive and non critical of her. If you now feel it's a bit one sided you may need to step away from the friendship for a while.

And if she eventually asks why you are not calling her etc, just tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable to you and provide a couple of examples. A bit of distance often lets things settle and then if she is a good friend you will pick up again.

Chin up.

tbh, I think that I would get so fed up with that, that in the end I would snap and look her in the eye and say "well, it's a bloody good job I DO earn so much, or I wouldn't be able to keep bailing YOU out, now would I?"

Sometimes people need a slap in the face / wake up call / reality check / whatever you want to call it.

Coming to me with her begging bowl while at the same time treating me with contempt would fuck me right off.

Poor you - she is using you as a whipping boy, and that's not right.

But poor her, too - her money worries have totally changed her outlook on life.

I think the next time she sounds off, I'd say 'This isn't like you - you sound so bitter these days'.

Thats just a non-judgemental way of mentioning how she's coming across. Keep reassuring her that you know she isn't really a bitter, tense, person. But 'It's almost as if you want to lash out'

With luck, she will go away and think about how she is coming across - she is probably so angry and frustrated about her life at the moment that she doesn't realise how she appears to others.