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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irritated that the MIL wants her discarded china back?

35 replies

GreenwichB · 30/01/2011 00:04

So 5 hrs ago, the MIL gave us some old and fairly chipped tureens and serving plates that she didn't need/ want. We'd just moved into our first house and though they were v useful for a bit, we eventually got everyday stuff and v nice wedding china too.
On mat leave ( or my 'holiday's' as the husband likes to court death with) at the moment and trying to dispose of clutter we don't use or have space for. Out of politeness I mentioned it to the MIL that I was going to give this stuff away (as she said at the time we were free to do) unless she preferred otherwise and she behaved as though I'd just slapped her.

I'm so irritated - we are storing tons of crap for the DH's family, the DH is a hoarder (I'm the other extreme) and now I have to find a home for this stuff until she comes to visit with inevitable guilt trips when I try to band it over.

OP posts:
Original poster
GreenwichB · 30/01/2011 00:05

Oops - 5 years ago

OP posts:
fruitstick · 30/01/2011 00:07

You've absolutely done the right thing. You don't need it any more but would be rude to just chuck without consulting her.

Ignore ignore ignore.

AgentZigzag · 30/01/2011 00:16

They're yours, got nothing to do with her what you end up doing with them.

What did she say after she'd calmed down enough to talk?

ravenAK · 30/01/2011 01:56

Give her a ring, apologise for upsetting her & ask if she'd like them back, as you don't use them & it's terribly sad to see such lovely crockery not being used - maybe she can suggest another family member you could pass them on to?

She won't, so...

Stick them in a box & park it in the shed/cellar/under the stairs.

Give it another year...just in case...

...then get dh to take them to the tip.

If she ever mentions them again, you've no idea what has become of them - you put them carefully away to pass on - dh, have you seen them? Grin

onmyfeet · 30/01/2011 02:37

Don't feel guilty. If I were your mil I wouldn't feel offended in the least. You are nice enough to offer them back to her now that they have served their purpose. Someone could use them I am sure. it makes sense to either return them or donate them to a thrift store or shelter.
Could you or dh drop them off to mil?

TyraG · 30/01/2011 08:01

Once a gift is given it is yours do with as you please. If she doesn't like it, then she shouldn't have given them away in the first place.

fedupofnamechanging · 30/01/2011 09:28

'Accidentally' drop the box containing china. Tell MIL that you'd packed it up, but didn't realise the box wasn't very strong.

If she gave it to you, then it's yours. Unless she wants to have it back straight away, then get rid. You don't have to store things you don't like/want/need just because MIL doesn't want you to give it away. If she wants it kept, then she needs to store it, not you.

StayFrosty · 30/01/2011 09:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/01/2011 09:44

I dont understand your problem. Your subject lines she wants it back, and you want to give it away. Whats wrong?

Georgimama · 30/01/2011 09:47

I think the problem is that the MIL expects the OP to hang on to it indefinitely in case she wants it back one day - she doesn't want it back now and the OP wants rid.

I've got all sorts of shit in my out building because my aunt and mother seem to view it as free storage. It pisses me off and a lot of it was "accidently" sent to the tip recently - I did warn them first. (They don't want this stuff, they just want it kept "just in case"). YANBU.

QuintessentialShadows · 30/01/2011 09:53

Well, that would be pretty irritating if that was the case.

mum295 · 30/01/2011 09:56

PIL gave us their old sofa and armchairs a while back to tide us over when we didn't have much furniture and they were buying new.

The furniture didn't fit very well in our house, wasn't our taste, and we also decided that we needed a sofa-bed for guests (which theirs wasn't), so about 6-9 months later we saved up and bought a new sofa-bed.

We sold their old furniture and gave the money to their charity of choice, telling them what we were doing. But I don't think we've ever been forgiven for doing so.

I suppose what I learned from that is that, even if something is a gift rather than a loan, sometimes (depending on the item and the person) you should offer it back to the original owner.

I don't think YABU, but a softly-softly approach might be needed.

ISNT · 30/01/2011 10:08

Sometimes things aren't a gift or a load, they are just sent to you as you appear to have some free storage Hmm

the reason that you have free storage is that you're not inclined to store loads of stuff you don't use in your house - but this point is totally overlooked Hmm Hmm

In short, I understand completely, it is a PITA. I don't know what you can do though without roundly upsetting people. I feel your pain.

My PIL even react with horror if I try to throw my own stuff away.

Georgimama · 30/01/2011 10:15

That's my scenario exactly, ISNT.

zipzap · 30/01/2011 10:52

How far away is your mil? Could you send dh to see her for an afternoon (whilst you have a well deserved rest and mumsnet de-clutter Grin) and deliver the china while he was at it? making sure you have sorted out anything else that you are getting rid of that she thinks she might have first dibs on so you can get shot of all of it at once?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 10:54

box it up and give it back to her.

ivykaty44 · 30/01/2011 10:59

Oh for goddness sake MIL is being a silly ass

Tokyotwist · 30/01/2011 11:15

My Mil wanted to buy us a sofabed. We didn't ask her to and used our wedding money to buy one ourselves, however she insisted on refunding us the money. Now we're about to change it, she has asked us for it.

I was planning on selling it (won't get much I know, but will help with the cost of a new one). DH told her this but she says I hope you don't expect me to pay after all I bought it in the first place.

I know we'll have to just give it to her but it ticks me off particularly as I never asked her to give us the money in the first place. Once you give a gift that should be it. You can't expect to get it back.

I am now very wary of accepting anything from her and will even insist on splitting the cost of meals out. Especially as I constantly get told as does everyone else (even the Tesco lady) how much we depend on her financially. We don't, but to point it out just makes me seem petty and ungrateful.

If you still have the dishes, I'd just give them back along with any other stuff you feel is cluttering up your space, but if you've already got rid of them don't let it bother you in the slightest.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/01/2011 11:17

WTF.

Have you not pointed out that she bought it for you and therefore it was a gift?

If she wants it back and says it was not a gift, I suggest charging her for storage.

some people have a right nerve.

Tokyotwist · 30/01/2011 11:23

Hectate Rofl at Charging her storage. I might try that Grin.

taintedpaint · 30/01/2011 12:05

Regardless of the definitions of a gift/loan situation, it doesn't hurt to be considerate to the giver, even after a significant amount of time. Those people who are saying quite matter-of-factly that it was a gift so it's yours to do what you want with it and MIL has no say sound a bit heartless tbh.

OP, you have done the right thing and consulted MIL. If she is upset, tell her again that she can have the stuff back, but that you simply do not have the room to store it. Emphasise that while you appreciate her kindness in helping you out when you needed it, you want to buy some new things.

She may have said at the time that you were free to give away the items if you wanted to, but it's clear that they have some kind of sentimental value for her. She shouldn't have said what she did, but she may well have meant it back then.

YANBU (although your title suggests you're irritated she wants it back, so I'm a tiny bit confused there....), but some compassion for her feelings should solve this. She has the choice to make, she takes back the china, or she says she doesn't want it and you get rid of it. Just make it clear that storing the items at your house is not an option.

AllGoodNamesGone · 30/01/2011 12:23

So she doesn't really want it back but doesn't want to get rid of it either and would rather it stays cluttering up your house instead of hers "just in case" (wartime mentality perhaps?)

Argh!

Give it back to her with a smile and ignore Grin

Plumm · 30/01/2011 12:38

Box it up and give it to her with a big smile and say thank you for lending us your chipped lovely china.

Tokyotwist your MIL sounds like a real charmer!

skybluepearl · 30/01/2011 13:20

Infact box everything up you are storing for others and give it all back. My MIL tried to get us to store the most hideous pretend gold and silver plated knifes recently - it's the first time i've ever said no and i really liked doing it. In the past we have stored/been given so much cr£p from them - even some grotty curtains which she later asked for but we had given away to charity. their house is dire - 5 bedrooms, 4 loos and a double garage but no space for anything except piles of junk. I've really had to be firm with DH to not let the same happen to our house.

cumfy · 30/01/2011 13:22

What did MIL actually say ?