to think someone - mother - could have said something?

[deliakate]

sorry if this is long - i have had depression on and off throughout my adult life. I have been experiencing some ante natal depression w my second preg, and dh has asked my mother for some advice on how to cope. She has apparently told him that i have had problems and been awful since i was 11 and basically seems to think that's just how i am. This has upset me a little, but more that i do remember being v unhappy at that age, and realise that she never said or did anything about it. I asked her today why she did not. Amazingly, she replied (usually on the subject of my childhood she tells me 'oh don't start') - and firstly said it was because she did not know. Of course she did as she had been discussing with dh. So then she said there was no help available in those days (22 yrs ago). Then i asked why she never talked to me about it, and she replied that she had talked about it - to my father. Perhaps some of the terrible things i did to myself in early adulthood could have been avoided if i had known somebody cared - but i am still wondering if anybody actually did, as i was never given any help. Aibu to still feel sad about this?

Of course you should feel sad about this. It's not very nice of your mother, but people are funny about admitting they were wrong. It sounds as though she is very defensive about it still, because she knows it was wrong.

Do you feel as though you want an open acknowledgement, or are you content to "know" she regrets it?

No matter what she does or says, you have the chance of "making it up" to yourself with the way you treat your own children. Congrats on the second pregnancy!

YANBU I'm in a very similar place to you. I have managed to get a bit more from my mum than you have and these conversations with her tend to end in tears.
I was never given help with my feelings even tho my GP even admits i've been depressed on and off since the age of 11.

When you were 11 did your mother ever ask you why you were unhappy?

Are you looking from an apology from your mother? It does sound as if you deserve one but I suspect it won't be forthcoming.

I agree with plupevert - let the experience inform the way you bring up your own kids.

This must be very hard for you, and I can see why you are hurt.
Parents did things differently back then-and it would have been seen as normal (perhaps even kinder) to discuss the issue with your dad rather than you.
Parenting has changed a lot in the last twenty odd years, and back then few authors and telly experts were exalting parents to talk to their kids. Most parents were relying on the same parenting advice and instruction their own parents had used.
It may be a bit unfair to judge your mum, who probably feels very sad about it all, to the same standard of parenting that you have, because she would have lacked the information and community network that you have.

I hope you can find some help or outlet about this so that you can move onwards and upwards.

I am expecting a daughter, so i really hope i can be open and talk properly to her. Hopefully without making her cringe, although i understand that may be difficult, espec if in part the problems stem from the mother/daughter relationship in the first place.