To want to feel more "cherished" by DH

[Zeeky]

In most respects DH is a good husband - works hard at a good job, spends time with his children, is supportive of me being a SAHM. But he is also very self-centred & needs lots of attention/nurturing. We have 2 small boys (3.5 & 9mths)& I often feel that he is my 3rd small boy to look after. I do everything around the home - childcare, cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, cooking, gardening, although he does help tidy up at weekends (as he has issues with mess so likes everything super tidy!), all of which is fine as I am a SAHM & he works long hours.

My issue is that I don't ever feel cherished/loved/special anymore. He tells me he loves me all the time - a bit too much, so that it feels like a habit rather than having much emotion behind it (all his family say it all the time to each other & I have never met a more dysfunctional family with so many issues & who can barely have a conversation without it ending in a row). DH never pays me any compliments & since having ds2 9 mths ago
my ego/self esteem seems to vanishing. Also, recently he has made a couple of comments about money(something about how this is his house as he's the one paying the mortgage) which are quite hurtful as it makes me feel pretty worthless.

Am I expecting too much from an otherwise decent husband?

The comment about him paying the mortgage was made when we were disagreeing over what should be kept in the garage - he has it full of gym equipment & music equipment & I'd dumped a pile of muddy wellies in there. I was so shocked by his comment that I didn't pick him up on it. He's also said things to DS1 about how he buys all the food but DS argues back saying "no, mummy goes to tesco to buy it not you"!!

. No, YANBU. And presumably it's not his house if it's in joint names and you're contributing by maintaining the house and bringing up the kids. That's how a court would view it!

Maybe I'm speaking out of turn and clearly I don't know the full background to this. but he sounds like he's being very unpleasant to you.

He hasn't always been resentful about money - it was a mutual decision for me to stay at home. He has been having a rough time of it at work & I think he sometimes thinks I have an easy life being at home. The recent comments about money have really taken me by surprise.

Just wondering if others feels valued/loved/cherished by their partners. Thinking about it, I don't think he's changed the way he is, it's just that my self esteem is rather fragile at the mo & so I'm more sensitive to his comments etc that previously I would have ignored or laughed at. When I read some threads on here and hear what other people's partners do for them it make me question my own marriage :(

Yes well you still need to challenge him on those comments otherwise it's liable to snowball.

agree this might be better in relationships OP.

yes, I hear married men (often) saying "my house is in blah blah" and I think "MY house??" it's not his house, it's theirs.

hmmm sounds like he may either be a bit controlling (you don't have to be hit to be abused - financial control does the job just as effectively) or a bit blind. you say he likes everything 'just so' in the house. again, either controlling or aspergers? touch of autism? in which case he won't be very emotionally warm.

you sound like his mum (many of you in that club) so no wonder he doesn't see the need to 'give'. but your self-esteem taking a dive needs to be addressed. being a SAHM can be very hard on your self-esteem. perhaps get someone to talk to - either on your own, or together (counselling I mean). the financial issues sound a bit worrying - not surprised you were speechless. such a shock when something alarming comes out that shows where the DH really stands in his head/heart.

btw YANBU imo. hope you get this sorted OP.

oh! just need to add that I suggested counselling more as a means to get some strategies in place to bump up your self-esteem. tbh if your DH is like this - tight with the money, talking as though he owns you - it's not a surprise that your self-esteem is taking a bashing.

Just stop being overdramatic. Give him a hug and tell him how much you appreciate him. He will probably reciprocate.I am not being naive but a loving relationship is a two way street and there is no need to overcomplicate a stupid comment made under stress. I am sure if you think back you will have made equally insensitive comments when in a mood.Life is far too short to obsess about comments made in the heat of the moment.