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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to arrange my wedding for roughly the same date as my cousin?

25 replies

UnfortunateUsername · 29/01/2011 00:57

DP and I have been engaged for forever (or near enough). Neither of us want a big wedding and had probably thought we'd eventually just elope to Vegas or the like and dtd there. However, after the birth of littleun we decided it was finally time to tie the knot and knowing that my mum would never forgive us for eloping we decided that getting married abroad with just close family there was a nice compromise.

We'd also talked about ttc dc2 hopefully in the next 6 months so were thinking the end of summer next year would be a good time for the wedding. We hadn't mentioned this plan to anyone yet because we hadn't really fully decided on destination etc. My cousin then got engaged at christmas and decided to set the date for August 2012 so roughly the same time of year we'd been thinking.

Would I be unreasonable to consider getting married around the same time as she is or should I just write next summer off and do it some other time? Would she think I'm trying to steal her spotlight or something?

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 29/01/2011 00:59

YANBU if you're only planning on asking a few close family, though it might be worth considering that some people may not want to pay to attend both. Maybe plan yours for after your cousins and with one clear pay-day between both weddings so people are more likely to have the cash for both?

outnumbered2to1 · 29/01/2011 01:00

depending on how close you and your cousin are it might just cause WW3 as rational thinking tends to go out the window when it comes to weddings....

can't you plan yours for earlier - like maybe Easter?

GreenEyesandHam · 29/01/2011 01:01

Honestly? If it were me, I'd alter it a bit so as not to clash.

Nothing to do with 'stealing anyones thunder', just logistics really- it sounds like you're still mulling things over, where as she (they) have set the date

bubblewrapped · 29/01/2011 01:05

weddings are always expensive for guests.. so it could be a bit awkward for a few people to afford two weddings close together.. I would leave at least 2 months either side of August if it were me.

earwicga · 29/01/2011 01:22

Summer is most popular times for weddings. As long as you don't do it on the same day, then not a problem.

Piggles · 29/01/2011 02:33

Before I got married I used to hang out on a well known wedding website. In the forums there would be regular outraged threads from brides-to-be who were livid that a close friend or family member had decided to have their wedding within a week or so of theirs. There were always lots of posters supporting them... and an equal amount of posters rolling their eyes and wondering what the issue was.

So as you are obviously aware this could be a minefield you are about to step into - depending on how bridezilla your cousin might get.

Personally, (assuming you are on friendly terms) I think I'd speak directly and diplomatically to the cousin and explain the situation - that you and DP had tentatively agreed on August before she set a date, and you do want to go ahead with the plans you made, but also want to be sure she won't feel that you are being insensitive about her already announced plans.

In my experience, people like to be asked and have their feelings considered, and it makes them a lot more amenable to whatever is being asked.

Summer weddings are popular, and chances are she is aware of that and will have no problem with it - assuming it isn't right slap on top of hers and that you give your guests enough notice that they will be able to save and afford both weddings.

LadyWellian · 29/01/2011 02:46

If you're thinking about the Caribbean, I understand the weather is better earlier in the summer - and if you aren't constrained by school holidays (though I understand if your family are) then earlier could be cheaper too.

MrsMooo · 29/01/2011 10:33

If you aren't that fussed I think that the clear pay day between the two is a great idea

If you have a particular date that has meaning to you, then discuss it with the cousin - she may not give a fig!

We got married on by BIL's anniversary of when he met his partner, they weren't bothered in the slightest and acutally thought it was lovely to share it

HappyMummyOfOne · 29/01/2011 10:52

I'd try and re-arrange as its too much for guests to have two so close.

Does it definately have to be abroad, its fine where you are paying for guests to attend and they can get the time off work etc but unfair if they have to pay to attend as it moves the costs from the couple to guests. If you only want a small wedding then it could be done virtually anywhere.

squirrel007 · 29/01/2011 11:06

My cousin and I had our weddings 2 weeks apart in the summer, and it didn't cause any problems. Depending on how large your family is, there might not be that many people who will be invited to both. I talked to my cousin early on and we made sure that we didn't pick the same day, but neither of us were that fussed about the other's being so close.

Original poster

UnfortunateUsername · 29/01/2011 11:15

Hmmm....seems like the general consensus is to move ours which tbh is what I was thinking too. Earlier in the summer probably won't work for us as will hopefully either be heavily pregnant or have a very small baby.

Piggle, I think you've described exactly what my fear is. My cousin and I get on very well and I love her to bits. However I know she's been planning how she wants her wedding to be since she was a child and I doubt her plans included my wedding happening too

School holidays aren't much of a consideration of us as it'll most likely only be us, our parents and possibly one or two of my brothers.

The other thought we'd had is maybe getting married at the end of this summer (Aug/Sept) but paying for our parents as we know it's short notice. What do you think? (Sorry this is turning into more of a WWYD)

OP posts:

Original poster

UnfortunateUsername · 29/01/2011 11:19

Squirrel, my family is massive. Only inviting Aunts, Uncles and cousins on just that side of the family moves the count to over fifty.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 29/01/2011 11:27

Summer is traditionally wedding season, so I think your cousin would be U to expect you not to get married at that time, just because she is also getting married. You both have equal 'rights'. Obviously, don't do it on the same day though, if she has announced hers first.

I think end Aug/Sept is a lovely idea as it does give a bit of space between the two events. Great that you are paying for your parents too. Sounds like you are having a very different wedding to your cousin, so there probably won't be a clash and she shouldn't feel put out at all.

Remember though, that just because your wedding is smaller, it isn't less important. You sound very considerate of other peoples feelings, so don't let your cousin get away with going all Bridezilla over this, if she doesn't like the idea.

minibmw2010 · 29/01/2011 11:38

If you stick to your original plans of just your parents and brothers then I don't imagine your cousin will/can have a problem with it? Is her wedding abroad or in UK? I would try and leave a clear month between each though (just to make all your lives easier).

thumbdabwitch · 29/01/2011 11:42

I see you are already thinking of moving your wedding - which I think is the right move, tbh. IF you had already announced your date, and your cousin was aware of it and still planned hers for the same time, then I would probably be more outraged on your behalf - but since she got in there first, I think it's the right thing to do to move yours.

clevercloggs · 29/01/2011 11:53

my cousin did this to me

i had set my wedding for september and invited all and sundry, but her being older couldnt face the humiliation of not being first so she set her a couple of weeks before

i just laughed and thought what a plonker rodney

Blondeshavemorefun · 29/01/2011 13:09

friend announced her date which was june then another friend said she was getting married in may

june friend was pissed off as other friend was stealing her thunder by getting married before

different venues/type of wedding ie one registry office,one at golf club but still june bride was annoyed

if going abroad i can recommend antigua (i got married there)in march and was beautiful and hot

we also paid for mil and bil as they couldnt /wouldnt afford it but my parents and brother paid for theirselves

why not go for late may :)

barteringlines · 29/01/2011 14:50

I think YANBU as long as you make sure your your wedding is AFTER theirs - so September? They announced first so I think they would be peeved if you had yours before.

lazarusb · 29/01/2011 16:55

My uncle married his 2nd wife on the same day my aunt (his sister) got married. We all went to my aunt's (1st time around).
Why don't you ask your cousin how they would feel about it?

TrillianAstra · 29/01/2011 17:21

Completely aside from the other wedding issue, you are assuming that TTC will work pretty quickly.

If you book a wedding abroad will you stop TTC if it gets to 10 months before the wedding and you're not yet pregnant?

nickelthenaughtybutnicefairy · 29/01/2011 17:23

it does depend when that wedding is - DH's neice was married in June and we married in Aug - i think there was 8 weeks between the two.

That kind of difference is fien - I wouldn't do it with any smaller than a month's gap

TrillianAstra · 29/01/2011 17:41

How far away will you be going? How much will it cost those who want to go? How much time will they have to take off work?

The larger the answers to those questions, the larger the gap between the other wedding and your wedding will need to be if you want all your guests to be able to make both.

Jude89 · 29/01/2011 18:04

Why not go the other way, have it on the same weekend, in the same place. Then all your guests will already be there, no one needs to worry about making the trip twice!

seriously though, unless you're inviting all the same people/its going to be fighting for front page in your family newspaper go for it, I'm sure you're parents will not mind going to both yours and their niece's wedding!

traceybath · 29/01/2011 18:07

Yes what Trills said re. ttc.

I'd wait until I was pregnant before deciding anything in terms of dates to be honest.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 29/01/2011 18:10

I thought the same as Trillian about TTC. What will you do if you don't get pg in time to have the baby before you go?

I personally wouldn't plan a wedding abroad knowing I was going to be ttc in the near future.

My only thought about the timing re. your cousin is what about your shared grandparents? But if you aren't planning to invite them anyway, or they are no longer alive then it isn't an issue.

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