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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this pregnancy drama is a bit silly?

50 replies

babylann · 28/01/2011 22:17

I can't really find a way to tell this story without the use of names, so I've made up fake ones for the sake of making things a bit more clear (my friend and my other friend might get a bit confusing).

Me and my cousin were having lunch and she started telling me about her friend, Jess. Jess has a medical condition which meant she might find it difficult to conceive and she did struggle - it took a few years but finally she got pregnant and is, of course, overjoyed. About 6 months into Jess's pregnancy, my cousin's other friend, Sarah (Jess's best friend) announced her own pregnancy with her second child.

The way my cousin told the story was, "So you'll never guess who has decided to go and get pregnant now. SARAH! Can you believe that? Now Sarah is going to get all the attention..." She seemed to feel like it was really selfish of Sarah to get pregnant and steal Jess's thunder.

I, on the other hand, couldn't believe what I was hearing. I recalled the story to my mum later, and said, "Can you believe 'cousin' thinks Sarah would get pregnant just to steal Jess's spotlight? She already has a baby - I'm pretty sure she knows that having another baby isn't something to do purely to make someone else jealous?!"

But my mum disagreed . She sided with my cousin and said, "You'd never believe how common it is." She then pointed out that when she got pregnant with me, it was as though every one of my dad's four sisters decided to steal her thunder and got pregnant at the same time or very shortly after my birth.

It seems so ridiculous. And really irritating, as me and DP are privately TTC and now I'm worried that I'll be seen to be stealing the thunder of my friend who has been TTC very openly for a while and who could become pregnant before me!

I had a friend who announced her pregnancy when I was about 4 months pregnant with DD, and I was happy! I thought it meant we had something in common and meant we could both be excited together. And I could answer any questions she had, as I was a few months ahead, and sympathise with her when she hit trimesters I'd just finished.

If my mum and cousin were to have it their way, surely I'd be expected to wait until I was 100% that none of my friends or family members are pregnant before I start TTC? And considering I'm at that age where all my female friends are getting ready to settle down and have babies, surely that would be impossible? Why do people think this way? Why can't people just be happy for each other?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 28/01/2011 23:21

chicken oriental! My cousin got pg about a month after me and my sil asked if i was upset about this, as i 'will get less of the limelight now'. In fact i was overjoyed that we were expecting at the same time and thought sil was a bit weird for thinking i might be pissed off. So it's actually a relief to find that sil, who's normally fab, isn't alone in this rather strange way of thinking...

TrillianAstra · 28/01/2011 23:26

Self-centred morons - as if people doing something as important/lifechanging as having a child would spare a single moment to think about them.

sevendwarves · 28/01/2011 23:32

They are being ridiculous!

We'd been trying for almost 2 years when my best friend announced she was pregnant. I will admit I was a bit envious but still very pleased for her, I certainly wasn't pissed off with her for it. A couple of weeks later I found out I was pregnant and she was equally pleased for me and happy we were going through it together.

Rowgtfc72 · 29/01/2011 07:06

There is five days between my dd and my sister in laws ds.Dont think the stealing thunder question ever came up.Grandparents got one of each in the same week!Its nice to be able to talk about the kids with them being at the same developmental stage.And the kids love it!

camdancer · 29/01/2011 07:28

In my family we've had at least one person pregnant for something ridiculous like 7 years. Lots overlapping. It's great. The children have all come in batches and all have lots of playmates.

You never know what is going on the background. Sarah could have been trying for just as long as Jess, just not as publicly. Don't let it worry you. Get on with your life and if anyone mentions something like that just say "I think you'll find it's more complicated than that." (Very useful phrase in many situations.)

jester68 · 29/01/2011 08:05

YANBU

It really makes me laugh when people have attitudes like that. Why do you have to be the only one pregnant at one time? lol

My brothers had their boys within a month of each other. But between the sister in laws there was some hostility as they thought the other had "stolen THEIR time"

I did not care a jot- was more interested in the fact I would have 2 new nephews within 6 weeks of each other!

When I got pregnant with my last baby, same sister in law who got funny the last time, told me she was also pregnant a month later. Was I annoyed? Nah! We could compare notes etc. The babies were born less than 3 weeks apart.

Every baby in my family is a blessing and I could not give a toss if people are pregnant at same times etc. All the more fun!

And when I had my first at least 4 of my friends were pregnant as well, all babies were born within 4 months of each other.

Saddest thing was 2 of my friends were pregnant and due similar times. They are sisters. Just before I had my 20 week scan the older one had hers and sadly was told the baby would not be able to live outside the womb. She delievered him a week later. I felt so guilty and was not sure what to say but she was always interested in my pregnancy ,and I would look at photos of her beautiful baby boy. Now THAT was hard -feeling happy about my own healthy baby girl but devastated for my friend as well.

So yanbu and people need to grow up and get over themselves

onmyfeet · 29/01/2011 08:22

Petty and childish. Why can't people just be happy for each other?

TyraG · 29/01/2011 08:26

That's insane. Some people's thought processes really baffle me. I would have loved to have been pregnant at the same time as some of my friends it would have been fun to do shopping and talk about what we're going through.

StealthPolarBroccoli · 29/01/2011 08:28

I got pg at exactly the same time as DH's cousin - we were due on the same day, but it was my second and her first. I did worry that maybe I was taking the shine off it for her a bit but luckily they are normal people who thought it was nice to share the experience with someone else, and to have DDs born 1 hours apart.

PuppyMonkey · 29/01/2011 08:28

Yes because it's so easy and straightforward to get pregnant, you can just decide to do it willy nilly whenever you fancy it simply to grab attention.

Your friends and family are weirdos. No offence.

shell96 · 29/01/2011 08:29

i got pregnant 6 months after my sis. Neither of us had told people we were ttc so loads of people thought i was just doing it to keep up with her and told me so. Even my dad. Grrr. V annoying.

StealthPolarBroccoli · 29/01/2011 08:29

1 hour - 13 hours

MsKLo · 29/01/2011 08:37

People who get nagged at this kind of thing are ridiculous! I do find that friends often get pg around the same time, and that is lovely! Blimey! Some people seem to think being pg is their exclusive right!

Mishy1234 · 29/01/2011 08:42

OK, I'm going to go slightly against the landslide YANBU here.

I do generally think that YANBU and that of course people don't get pregnant just to steal someone else's limelight. However, this situation isn't straightforward is it? You say that it too several years to get pregnant and it's entirely possible she spent most of that time wondering if she may not be able to have children at all. Finally she gets pregnant after battling for years. Finally she can enjoy what she's waited so long for and watched others achieve seemingly easily. Then her friend gets pregnant with her second baby. Of course she is BU to feel put out, BUT I can understand how fleetingly she might do. She will soon get over it and realise how ridiculous she's being.

So YANBU, but also a bit of understanding might not go amiss too.

Tokyotwist · 29/01/2011 08:45

I was pregnant with my 1st at the same time as my sister, then both sisters were pregnant together and now I'm pregnant again.

Blame my Mum for having us girls so close together .

In fact it is such a big joke in the family, my brother's told his friends if they ever need a baby, he has a steady supply.

I think these women are being silly, as if anyone makes such a life changing decision to annoy a friend.

Georgimama · 29/01/2011 08:51

For the last six years at least one member of my family, SILs' extended families or DH's family has been pregnant, always overlapping with at least one other person and sometimes two. It would be impossible for most of the (counting now) nine children already born in the last six years and two in utero to have been conceived if anyone in our families took any notice of anyone else's "thunder". As well as a big family each couple is also a family in its own right, making decisions about the size and timing of their children that are best for them, quite rightly.

From what I understand "Jess" isn't actually upset about this at all, the cousin just thinks "Sarah" has done it on purpose. Which is bonkers, as universally acknowledged above.

PigTail · 29/01/2011 08:57

YNNBU - it's very silly and they all sound like they are about 14.

itsonlyblardy2011 · 29/01/2011 08:58

spooky, i have a good friend who every time she has had a baby her older sister has announced pregnancy and then an engagement

i really think it was done to steal thunder from the younger sister

good friend wouldn't even think like me (but then she is a much better person :) )

i agree with OP, i was always delighted when anyone announced before or after me

LittleWhiteWolf · 29/01/2011 09:14

My mum got pregnant with me four months after my aunt got pregnant with her first. Mum admits that she was jealous of my aunts pregnancy as "she'd never really wanted kids, I was the broody-forever one" and my aunt was apparently miffed to have mum swan in with her own pg.

But thats a million years ago. As I understand it once we, the babies, were here things were great. In fact my cousin who is 4 months older than me and I are very close, so its worked out brilliantly.

Some people (mum and Aunty) are just a bit silly and pfb about it. I'd love it if that same cousin or my sister had babies at the same time as me, but its not gonna happen. Cousin is single and sister is great Aunt but hates the idea of being a mum. Think thats why I sought out ante-natal groups online--I was desperate to share with someone!!!

imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 29/01/2011 09:19

YANBU

However, EX-SIL who is a complete cow announced on other SIL Wedding Day she was pregnant.

I was also pregnant but due to complications and having a bloody brain and thinking that announcing on the wedding day wasn't the greatest idea we announced a couple of weeks later.

Now, who stole whose thunder?

(For the record my DD was born 6 weeks before Ex-SIL DS so I was pretty far on at the wedding but we'd made the decision that XH Sis had to get the limelight on her wedding day)

ConcreteElephant · 29/01/2011 10:20

I'm in the 'more the merrier' camp. Why wouldn't you want to share such a happy event? Is there only enough capacity to feel delighted for one person?

DSIL, a colleague and I were all pregnant at the same time (in that order IYSWIM). All first-timers, and first GC for DH's parents too. It was wonderful to share the experience with other people and as the babies were all born within a couple of months of each other, we have been able to compare notes and support each other as we've gone along.

I think it's lovely that DD and her cousin will grow up so close in age (plus it makes buying presents easy as we know just what they are into...I often buy two of something just because I know DSIL's DS will love it too).

Colleague has just returned to work and I'm due back soon, so it will be good to have someone there who understands how hard I imagine it will be at first to leave DD and go back.

Rosa · 29/01/2011 10:26

How silly - every baby is a joy for the parents / family and genuine friends. Nobody should think about stealing peoples thunder FGS - In many cases that is just not true.
My dd1 was that last of 5 babies born in 1 year in the family ( cousins etc). I knew I was Pg when Baby 1 in the family was born - I just decided to bide my time in telling people so we could all enjoy the new baby.
When my time arrived everybody was a thrilled for me as I was for them......For me thats logical !

Original poster

babylann · 29/01/2011 10:57

Well I'm so relieved to hear it's not all women. I was truly baffled when I first heard the story, and then had it re-affirmed by my mum. I thought, surely people don't actually feel this way? I guess it's just a rare few confused women.

But I share the sentiments of everyone above - babies are too much hard work to have one on a whim to upset others, and they're far too special to be labelled as "thunder".

Quite funny as well though, as my mum said she had been trying for me for 2 years... which, coincidentally, would have meant her sister was pregnant when mum started trying to get pregnant - and my cousin was the baby whos thunder would have been stolen if I had come along sooner!

Pot! Kettle!

OP posts:

Honeybee79 · 29/01/2011 11:01

All sound totally barking to me. It's not a new car it's a baby FGS. YANBU.

lisianthus · 29/01/2011 11:01

This is ridiculous. You don't get pregnant to receive attention- you do it to get a BABY. Good grief!

Just ignore.

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