Family Move To San Francisco !!!??

[Diamond5]

ok !!! let me catch my breath and refocus my buzzing mind... 3 weeks ago my DH returns from an away trip to announce that he has sort of accepted a job abroad in San Francisco ( Have trouble spelling the blooming place !!!) There's me thinking WHAT ? We have a lovely house fab neighbours , normal day to day living , 3 children 5,4 and 2 year old all settled with lovely friends and fab mums . My mum and dad just up the road . Why ? .Why O WHY . So here I am stuck in the dilemma of A. starting from scratch on my own in far off land ( DH wil be working 9-5 ) or putting foot down , not going and forever thinking What if ? HELP !!! Having extreme highs and very sobby gutwrenching lows ! Am I being unreasonable ? Any advice forfrom those who have done the same ?

GeorgeEliot I'd love to get your 'pros and cons' list of your DH working in US whilst you and family are in UK. I've decided that once this assignment is up I'm not going abroad again, but there is a good opportunity for DH in States next and I am tussling with my emotions of letting him do what he wants to do, and will be financially rewarding, versus us being apart.

I moved to the central coast (about 5 hours away from San Fran) and I would be very hesitant about moving if I were in your situation.

Your DH's work is unlikely to be 9-5, that is just not how Americans do things. Also holiday entitlement (if any) is normally just two weeks a year.

With 3 kids and you enjoying life as you are at the moment I wouldn't do it.

Ours is a two year placement so manageable. Luckily DH loves being a SAHD, but I only have 1 DD who is still young 10.5months. I miss talking to over mums and having evenings without work very much. The support for mums is very different.

9-5 is just not the reality for work and the lack of holiday is really hard. I have taken our 2 very young dcs back to the UK on my own twice in the last 2 years to maintain contact with gps etc as dh hasn't had the holiday to come with us. As we're about to have our third, I don't think it will be happening this year.

SF is lovely but very expensive. Dh's company HQ is in Milpitas (near Fremont) but the area is soulless. I wouldn't move down there from Oregon where we are luckily living and would sooner return to the UK. But that's just my opinion. The weather in the Bay Area is better than SF! Put a time limit on it if needs be and take the plunge. Rent your house out so you have somewhere to come back to (we weren't able to do that so now have no ties at home). You may well regret what you don't do with regards to an exciting overseas adventure!

We're in North America and I have also found the holiday entitlement awful. Essentially it means that you will not be able to go home with DH except for once a year. And, no other leave so no other holidays. They thought I was crazy here when I said I got 6 weeks in the UK. One woman asked me how anything got done.

I'd be furious if my dh did that. Emigrating is a huge deal and you have to be totally up for it. My view on whether it works or not is largely tied up in money factors. It is an incredibly expensive thing to do (I've seen quotes on British Expats suggesting that it costs around about £30k, and I think that's probably about right) so it's fairly vital that your dh gets a big relocation package and is paid a really good salary too. If you are short of money then it's pretty grim because there are so many unexpected costs and things you currently do for free with friends and family won't be possible (babysitters etc)

For the working person it can be stressful to have to get established at a new workplace (and bear in mind that visas are totally tied in to the employer, so if it doesn't work out you will all have to leave the country) whilst for the at home parent you have to cope with everything being new and unfamiliar whilst supporting your children who may be very home sick (and it's quite tough to have to put on a brave face for your kids if you are feeling miserable).

Having said that it can be a great adventure, and that is definitely the way to approach it, but you need to have some very honest conversations with your dh about whether you really are OK about going and what happens if one or more of you is miserable, and how long you try it before going home if you want to. Your relationship is going to be significantly tested and you really need to understand each other, both now and in the months and years ahead.

We moved to the US (NYC) almost three years ago and dh lost his job three months after he was transferred. It was very difficult to have no pay off (you need to check what terms your dh will have, and get everything signed and sealed, including how much they will help with costs to get you to SF plus the terms if it doesn't work out - will they pay for flights and shipping back to the UK for example) no more health insurance (totally check what coverage you will be given, it is expensive and most plans have significant limitations) and to essentially be thrown out of the country. I liked NYC and we made friends there, but I wouldn't live in the States again.

Being originally from the states I think I can shed some light here.

With the insurance issue. It depends on the insurance plan offered whether it will be 70/30, 80/20 or 90/10. That means that that the insurance would cover the larger portion and you'd be responsible for the smaller portion. It will also depend on whether the plan is a PPO (preferred provider organization) or an HMO (health maintenance organization) as to how much you will be responsible for, what the co-pays will be, and what your deductible could be. If you have the option of going with UHC (United Health Care) I'd take them, they have great coverage.

As for getting around the Bay Area being hard, that's not entirely true as the BART goes just about everywhere. It's insane not to take it. You can drive although the traffic can be a bit daunting and there's not a ton of parking and if you do find some, you'll have to pay a bit.

Here is a link to the website for the city of San Francisco: www.sfgov.org/
That should give you more information about housing, taxes, transportation, and recreation among other things.

As for the weather, San Francisco does tend to be cold year round and there does tend to be quite a bit of fog, however it can't really be helped it being that the city is on the coast.

Americans don't get as much time off as they do here and they do tend to work very hard, but they also play hard. The holidays vary depending on whether you work in a government office or not and they don't have bank holidays.

I think that's about it, if there's anything I've missed or anything you have questions about, please feel free to PM me and I'll do my best to answer the questions you have.

Wow! Lucky you is all I can think. I'm from the Bay Area from a town VERY close to Pleasanton. Pleasanton has a lovely feel- lots of community programmes and a very good football (soccer) programme for little kids. There are vineyards and a great nature reserve right in Livermore. There's also a water park nearby that we used to love going to! Livermore's a bit more of a trek to Fremont, so if you can, I would say look more at Pleasanton, especially as the 580 freeway from Livermore can get quite busy. The weather is not bad in these areas and gets really hot in the summer! San Francisco itself is foggy in the summer, but Spring and Autumn it has the most beautiful weather around. I have talked with my DH about moving back to SF and if we had a job offer there, we'd move in a heartbeat. The only bad thing is the lack of holiday time (and around Christmas you only get Christmas day off- some people get Christmas Eve off, or at least half days, and there is no Boxing Day).

HollyBolly the prime motivation for DH moving to SF was financial - the choice was move over there (and potentially make a large pot of money) or stay in UK and be unemployed - in the midst of a recession. So it was a no-brainer.

Originally thought it was going to be just a year, has now been 16 months but he has promised he will come back at Easter, regardless, because we have all had enough of him being away. Hasn't worked out as well financially as hoped but has been OK.

Luckily he has been working for a UK company so gets UK holidays, and has an understanding boss who recognises the sacrifice he's making. He was back in the UK I think 4 times last year, was home for a month for both Christmases. We spent the whole Easter holidays (4 weeks, slightly extended thanks to Volcano) and 3 weeks there in CA in the summer, and had a great time - DH lives in a v comfy bachelor pad in downtown SF which is great. I took the dc to new york for a few days too so i think they have benefited culturally from the travelling (although not mad about american culture myself).

Cons are: Time difference of 8 hours can be awkward for communication, he often wants to Skype at annoying times.

He misses us a lot at weekends, during week we're both too busy to notice, although its not too bad as he has some close family out there.

when he comes home he is jetlagged for the first week of the trip - asleep when we are awake and vice versa.

He has put on over a stone in a year, because he eats out or takeaway most of the time!

I am finding I miss him more as time goes on, and also feel resentful that I have to bear the full brunt of parenting. Particularly since September when DS1 started secondary school so I have 2 school runs to do.

The dc get very upset every time he has to leave (although they seem to get over it quite quickly and settle back into the different routine).

My social life is rubbish when he's away - the invitations to dinner parties etc disappear when you are effectively single. I have to work hard to do things with other families with an absent dh.

But as I work I have to spend most of the weekend catching up on domestic chores anyway - and the dc get a bit neglected.

I have had to deal with quite a lot of big domestic issues while he has been away, e.g major central heating breakdown during cold snap, and while he has been supportive its not the same as having him there.

Logistics are much harder with only 1 adult in the house - dc have to come everywhere with me (although ds1 almost old enough now to be left alone).

Hope that helps HollyBolly - I think the age of your children is critical when making decisions like this.

Have not moved there but been there 5 times in 5 years and of the places I have visited so far in the US, it would be my number one choice.

Not sure how housing costs compare in the Fremont, but with BART and other methods of transport, you could easily visit the middle of the city, and have somewhere nice to live a bit further away on cost grounds.

I am far from surprised to see MM saying she's jealous and I feel sure you should make a go of it, unless you expect your DCs' grand parents to be unable to travel there - it is a superb destination almost any time of year - mild in winter and I think cooler than many parts of California in the summer.

Yes, was going to mention the fog but had not been at many different times of year - mostly spring or late autumn so have not seen it during the summer months (yet).

Thanks GeorgeEliot for taking the time to write that, really appreciate it and has given me food for thought!