Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

manipulative MIL

29 replies

Shelly32 · 27/01/2011 23:39

I think i'm going mad but feel my MIL is trying to prove she is top dog. She has an awful habit of just taking my children out of my arms without asking. I think i'm over protective as they were prem but surely you'd ask.. Anyway last weekend we stayed over and she came into the room as DH was making their milk and actually asked to take one of teh girls to bed to cuddle. I said he could after we'd fed them. She then went down stairs and asked DH if she could feed one of the girls promptly came upstairs, took one of my daughters (the one i was holding) and said she'd asked DH and was going to feed one. DH thinks i'm over reacting and i may be but i think she's manipulative and rude and that he's naive. AIBU??

OP posts:
agnethafaltskog · 27/01/2011 23:42

Your DH knows you better than a bunch of strangers on the internet.

reelingintheyears · 27/01/2011 23:43

Last weekend?....Confused

Original poster
Shelly32 · 27/01/2011 23:46

Yes he does but he also has an innate sense of loyalty to the person who gave birth to him. It could possibly influence his view on things...Just saying..

OP posts:
manicbmc · 27/01/2011 23:46

Sounds like my ex mil. YANBU

She needs to back off and respect that you are their mam.

MsKLo · 27/01/2011 23:54

You are soooooo not being unreasonable

Bloody rude woman and using her son to manipulate you

It is a shame you can't talk to your dh without him getting defensive

You need to nip this in the bud now or things will just get worse - how old are your babies? are they twins?

You need to show her who is boss and your dh needs to stick up for you

Another bloody rude interfering mil! Poor you

MsKLo · 27/01/2011 23:56

What do you say when she just takes baby? You need to step back from her and say no. Don't let her treat you like this. My mil would never do this because she bloody well knows I wouldn't stand for it

Stand up to her or it will get worse

Original poster
Shelly32 · 27/01/2011 23:56

Thanks manicbmc! That's what i think too. She was welcome to take them, just after hubby and i had spent some time with them and given them their milk! I'm back at work so time is really precious with them. Smile

OP posts:
griphook · 27/01/2011 23:57

I sort of understand where you are commng from, my Mil said to my Bil tha she would be ready to go after she had fed Ds his milk, didn't ask me or look at me at all. It did annoy me as she just pretended I wasn't there but to be honest I think I was being a bit sensitive as there are underlying issues.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 28/01/2011 00:02

MsKLo, the first time it happened i was so taken aback that i said nothing. I just burned with resentment..mainly that i hadn't said anything. The second time she tried to take one daughter i just held on to her and turned away slightly and said i was comforting her. English is her second language so i wonder whether it's a cultural thing but surely you don't just grab a child from its mother ANYWHERE!! DH does get defensive. We've recently argued over it. I hadn't said how i felt as i knew how things would end up but she tried to get us to change our plan this weekend and do something with her (FIL is away this weekend). I said i didn't think we could so she asked DH who said it was fine. I put my foot down over this but as a result he's staying with her Friday and I'm at my parents. Either way it feels like she's won...

OP posts:
JingleMum · 28/01/2011 00:03

she's wrong, she shouldn't ever take your babies from your arms without asking, but TBH i think most MILs do, i know mine has done it a few times. i've just let it go as it's not worth causing arguments over but it's something i've taken on board and if/when i ever become a MIL i won't be doing it.

i think you're right about the loyalty thing, most men adore their mothers (i know my OH does), which is natural and at the end of the day a man can have all the girlfriends/wives in the world but he'll only ever have one mother, even if she does become second best once he finds his soulmate.

blinder · 28/01/2011 00:09

I can't believe that after you said no, she undermined you by asking your DH. That's NOT ON.

Yanbu.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 28/01/2011 00:12

The worst thing is that DH doesn't seem to think there is anything wrong! His argument is that if my mum had wanted to feed one of our girls that it would have been fine. He is missing the point that if my mother had asked him and he'd said she could have one of teh girls later, she then wouldn't have come to me to ask!!

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 28/01/2011 00:12

Your MIL isn't British?

ha ha, the FIRST thing I thought of when reading your OP was that they do this to you in Egypt.

Be polite but firm, broken record and say No, when they are fed etc. I'll make sure you have time with them but it's important to get things done right first.

She wants to be involved, tell her and DH you understand that, but that you and DH are the babies parents and things have to be done right.

I have a friend who has a MIL from hell and my friend is now learning to say No, and it's working.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 28/01/2011 00:14

Don't bring DH into it...I had this too and dealt wih it in my way.

When she comes to take the baby do as you did and say "She's quite happy where she is...but I could really do with a hand with the bottles if you don't mind?"

Give her something else to do instead....if she does it then YOU hand the baby to her...it's not that she's earning the right to hold the baby BUT it's a way of letting her know you're boss of your own baby/house.

When you first have a baby it'shard reajustng your status....as a Mother you are now a Matriarch yourself.

Original poster
Shelly32 · 28/01/2011 00:16

LittleMissHissyFit, i think you're right. Rather than harbouring any resentment and ending up arguing with DH, i should just outright say what i think there and then. The slyness and boldness of her is something that is totally alien to me though. I need to be prepared for anything L

OP posts:
Original poster
Shelly32 · 28/01/2011 00:18

lol I like the thought of being a matriach!!!

OP posts:
WimpleOfTheBallet · 28/01/2011 00:22

Yes...hitch up your bosom and practice your frown!

LittleMissHissyFit · 28/01/2011 00:31

We all have to become the matriarchs of our own families. It's not easy, no-one shows us how, but we MUST do it.

TuttoRhino · 28/01/2011 08:47

And this is one of the reasons why I didn't persist with getting my DD to take a bottle. My MIL would have done the exact same thing.

Hope you manage to sort it out. It will cause a lot of tension down the road if you don't set the boundaries now.

CrapBag · 28/01/2011 10:11

YANBU. She knows what she is doing, which is why she went to her son and asked him after. Its very rude to just take a child from your arms. I would step back and say "no".

I have had to be firmer with my MIL after she was told not to feel my pregnant belly (she literally gropes away uninvited and her hands are everywhere, I hate it) and she still carried on even though DH warned her before she saw me, then she done it anyway and her DH, my DH and me were all telling her to stop, she still carried on. Angry

The nest time I saw her, she walked towards me with her hand out (waited until DH had left the room) and said "is the baby moving" I stood back from her and just said firmly "I don't like that" (huge deal for me to actually speak up btw!) and she just said "why?"

She has gone to do it since but I give her a look and tell her the baby isn't moving (which is what she asks every time as if the baby was I would suddenly let her).

Be firm and stick to your guns otherwise she will walk all over you.

IntergalacticHussy · 28/01/2011 10:23

oh god. she sounds like mine. don't take any crap from her. stand your ground, look her in the eye and speak firmly and assertively at all times, cos she's only gonna get worse (if she's anything like mine it could be the thin end of the wedge). Don't want to scare you, just want you to be prepared.

kaj32 · 28/01/2011 10:43

YANBU. My MIL has never tried this because i made it clear from my pregnancy announcement that it was my rules or she could bugger off. (She has history of taking over with her other grandchildren).

She tried to grope my belly after being told not too twice so the next time I saw her I grabbed her belly first. She was not amused but didn't grope me again! She also now understands her boundaries for the most part.

Smiler80 · 28/01/2011 11:53

Wow that sounds really strange - just taking your child out of your arms "because your DH said it was OK"? Sounds like some sort of (totally misplaced) power struggle to me.

YANBU!

My MIL is coming to visit next week - first time since (she knows) I'm pregnant. Really hope she won't be like that! Fortunately I'm quite good at being direct :)

giveitago · 28/01/2011 11:55

If mil is from overseas she might be from a culture that assumes that paternal gps are gods. Not great for you, but if so, she might be making assumptions on her grand status and it's up to you to put her right and fast.

Either that (and yes, you'll deal with the fallout) or build up huge resentment.

However, it does seem that she does indeed know the score and for that reason is going straight to your 'dh' to undermine you. You'll have to fight back with her.

Not great that your dh and you are spending time with respective families separately so that mil gets her own way though. You put your foot down so in the end he goes to her without you ie he's split? That's the root of the problem isn't it?

Oh yuk - people feeling your belly if you don't want it. Just because there's a baby in their doesn't make your belly public property.

figcake · 28/01/2011 12:13

Sounds like my fucking awful MIL. I kissed one of my DCs during a meal at a restaurant (perfectly normal for us), she reaches her wrinkly (unwashed just after travelling on the underground) hand, kisses it and extends it over the food to his face straight away - i.e. the same minute.

Does her know her or really give a shit about her? No, met a few times as (thank the Lord) she is non-UK.