To be letting this get to me?

[clarkland]

Sorry to offload on here but I am 8 weeks away from my due date and feeling a little stressed!
My partner and I have a lovely little girl (2) and another on the way. We have both been previously married. Fortunately for me it was a clean break and realtively painless. He, on the other hand, has a very aggressive and demanding ex and a daughter from that marriage (8). It's a complex situation and their divorce was very messy. My partner used to earn considerably more than he does now and when their original court arrangement his payment reflected this. She came out far better in the divorce gaining the house, and all the equity in it etc. (despite never contributing a penny towards it's purchase or upkeep). My DP did not contest this as he wanted his daughter to remain where she was in the lifestyle she was accustomed to and at the school she was happy at. Years have past about 4 now and we have a daughter and another on the way. My DP no longer earns the wage he used to and his payment reduced after we had our little girl.
Anyway, leaving his other daughter broke my partners heart and he has to battle that everyday. Until recently we had his daughter every other weekend and in school holidays. Now, since September, we both work at a boarding school and he works 6 days a week. Half term and Easter this year at our school do not coincide with his daughters this year and his ex has gone bonkers (she has always been on our case demanding money and calling the shots on when we should and shouldn't have his daughter!)She is demanding that he returns to his original payments (which we can not afford as I will be on maternity leave and he is less that half the money he was on a few years ago) and she is refusing to take his calls or let him see his daughter. She says that Sundays when he is not busy is just not good enough and he is a crap Dad and nothing to his daughter. All of this is just stressing me out.
We only see him one day a week as well unless it's the school hols and the Christmas hols we had his daughter for most of it! I am so sad about the whole thing and can't bear the effect that his ex is continuing to have on him. She is engaged to her new partner and has been for 3 years but she seems to want to continue to ounish and manipulate my partner and all this has an effect on me. I just don't feel like I am in control of my relationship at all. 2 days after my daughter was born his ex insisted that his other daughter came to stay so as 'not to feel left out' I was knackered, struggling to breast feed, a first time mum... need I say anymore and it really effected my relationship at the time because I couldn't rely on my partner to give me the support I needed. So here we go again and I just don't have the answers. I know that people with children from previous relationships have to acknowledge that but. What solution can we offer her? He can't give up his stable job to make more time anywhere else he can't work anymore. I can't take another battle with a 3rd party!! Help me please.x

Get in touch with families need fathers. They can offer all sorts of support and in particular going to court without paying solicitors. I would also suggest he goes through CSA...I know everyone slags them off but my husband ended up doing this as his whore of an ex was demanding £500, dog insurance, life insurance for her and her daughter, house insurance....and a load of other shite. Basically once you have gone through CSA the courts, apparantly, rarely make you pay more than what the CSA work out if you can prove that you can not afford what the other person is asking for.

If you have a court order stating when your husband sees his daughter then I would start writing down everytime she refuses countact. No court would suggest to anyone that they give up a job to see their child and that some other contact needs to be arranged.
Hope that helps. Ex wifes can be awful and I really feel for you. Good luck and stay strong.

You might get more help in another section but YANBU to let this get to you. Have you considered going to court to formalise new payments and contact. Think your DP needs to get a bit more assertive.

BringOnTheGoatI totally agree with you on the 'needing to get more assertive' front! His ex has him by the balls emotionally and uses his daughter to punish and manipulate him! I'm just getting more and more troubled by the whole situation, just want to focus on my family and our impending new arrival and becoming increasingly resentful of all that this situation makes me feel.

What is he punishing him for exactly? There will be something (real or imagined) He needs to accept he cannot change her behaviour only work with it. Getting a court order and re-assessing the maintainence are practical ways to change his situation. He should stop wallowing in self pity, focus on his children and not engage in the drama.

I wish you could talk to him! I agree until he toughens up he runs the risk of damaging this relationship as well. His guilt lies with leaving his daughter, he can't seem to get to grips with that! He was so unhappy in his marriage though and he and his partner had a very destructive relationship. She just constantly chips away at his self-worth as a Dad and it hits a nerve.