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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want more input from ds's friend's mum?

21 replies

fluffyanimal · 27/01/2011 13:26

DS is 4, and before he started school he went to a nursery where he became very good friends with a little boy who we'll call Z. Now that the boys have started school, as we live in neighbouring villages, DS goes to our local village school and Z goes to his. DS really misses Z and still talks about him a lot, so when we left the nursery I asked Z's mum if she wanted to keep the boys in touch and she said yes.

DH and I have always got on well with Z's parents whenever we have met at birthday parties or nursery functions etc.

So things started off well enough - we had them all over for lunch, they returned the invite a few weeks later. Then we had Z over to play on his own, which went really well - apparently Z was very excited beforehand, and at the end of the afternoon he cried when his parents came to pick him up. So after a while I got in touch to try to fix up another playdate, kind of expecting DS would be invited to Z's house this time. Z's mum has been much slower to reply and when she did, she said that even though they were busy, if I wanted Z to come over and play again that would be fine. We couldn't do it that time, so I replied to say so but asked when they were next free. It's taken a while to find a free date. Thinking this might indicate that Z didn't want to play with DS any more, I asked if Z was moving on and that I hoped his mum would tell me if that was the case, but I got back the reply that no he was still keen to see DS and had bought him a Christmas present.

We are supposed to be seeing them this weekend but Z's mum hasn't said what the plan is. I'm really hoping it will be DS's turn to go there, but maybe IBU to expect her to take turns. Or am I reading more into it that there is? Basically I just want to look out for DS who really misses his old friend but it's hard work keeping the contact going.

thoughts, MN jury?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/01/2011 13:29

My thoughts are watch you don't end up as regular childcare!

If she's not keen to take her turn but happy for you to have him, you have to decide if that's ok with you.

Or maybe because they're so little, she thinks they can just move on and make new friends at their respective schools?

Original poster
fluffyanimal · 27/01/2011 13:32

I would understand if it were a case of moving on, I'd almost expect it, but she still gave the message that her ds was as keen to keep in touch as mine.

OP posts:
MrSpoc · 27/01/2011 13:39

sorry, dont mean to sound harsh but if you are really keen for your son to keep contact why do you care who's house they go to?

To me it came across that you are looking for some space. You contacted her to see if thier DS wanted to play with yours then turned them down as your too busy.

If i were you i would not care about the politics but have thier DS over so that your DC can play with his friend.

OldBagWantsNewBag · 27/01/2011 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Changing2011 · 27/01/2011 13:41

You are reading FAR too much into it. Get a life.

Limara · 27/01/2011 13:43

I agree with MrSpoc. If the kids get on, don't dwell on the niggles. When Z is at yours and they play well together(out of your way/hair), then have him at yours.

Maybe Z"s mum isn't that organised?

MadreInglese · 27/01/2011 13:44

good lord, "moving on" Hmm

they are 4 FGS

you need to chill out about it a little

LisasCat · 27/01/2011 13:48

As someone who always worries about keeping playdates equal, there is another aspect that, while I don't think it applies in OP's case, it might to others who say they sometimes feel put upon.

My DD attends a nursery near my work, about 45 minutes drive from our home. All her nursery friends live near nursery. I'm more than happy to have them round to our house, but am very aware of the fact that this can be a long round trip for their parents to make, and so playdates usually end up at other people's houses. I make it clear they're welcome to ours, but I don't want them to feel they have to drive all that way.

As for OP, DD has a very close friend who recently left nursery and her mum and I make a lot of effort to keep up the contact. But sometimes our own lives simply get in the way of what our DDs want. When they get together, though, they clearly still adore each other, which makes it all worthwhile, however much effort either of us has had to make to facilitate the playdate.

muddleduck · 27/01/2011 13:51

oh shit. another think that I've discovered on mnet to feel guilty about.

JamieLeeCurtis · 27/01/2011 13:52

I agree with OldBag and MrSpoc. It may be that the mother is slightly taking the piss, or it may be that she does have other things going on which make it hard for her. If the DCs stop getting on so well, then that's time to change.

Also - her DS may prefer to come to yours I know that's the case with some of my friends children - they prefer to come to our house, OTOH, one of my DS1 s friends likes to go home after school and have friends there. We do take turns but it's not exactly 50/50

JamieLeeCurtis · 27/01/2011 13:53

And I'd say, go easy on the OP - her oldest son is only 4 and these social things are a bit of uncharted territory at that age

Original poster
fluffyanimal · 27/01/2011 13:54

Thanks for the usual range of boisterous replies! Grin
OK maybe I am being a bit U to expect fair turn taking. My expectations are coloured by my own experience where my bestest ever friend was a girl I met at nursery and though we never went to the same school, we saw each other most weekends, alternating between each others' houses.

I know there are millions of reasons why one might be reluctant to have DS over.

Madre, I would 'chill out' a bit more, but my heart breaks when DS keeps asking 'when will I see Z again, have you got his phone number?' and Z is the first name he says when I ask him if he wants to do anything with any of his friends.

So I'll say Z can come to ours regardless, but at what point would you all say I was becoming free child care as Hecate suggests?

OP posts:
JamieLeeCurtis · 27/01/2011 13:57

I'd say it's is only becoming free childcare if it is becoming burdensome to you, and it is always you who is the host. If the DCs are getting on well, the other boy is nice, polite etc and you don't feel burdened then all's OK

purpleandpink · 27/01/2011 13:58

I think you are reading too much into it. I have 5 DC's and can honestly say I never kept tabs on who goes to which house when. When the kids are adjusting to the whole playdate thing and need an adult to stay, it's often easier for me to have them here as if I go to them, and have to take other children with me it feels like a huge imposition that we are taking over their whole house.

My DS has a friend who he prefers to go to his house, because he has an older brother who they also play with, where as here my youngest 2 give them grief and keeping running into his room, despite my best efforts to stop them! The Mum is fine with it, but she also knows that I am happy to babysit for both her kids whenever she needs me to as well, so it works out in the end, though no one is keeping tabs.

I have 2 other friends who are unable to return playdates as they work full time. Their kids are in after school care every day so when they come for tea they have to stay until their parents can collect them after work. I am fully aware that they cannot return the favour but it's fine - if they didn't come here then the kids wouldn't get to play after school.

There could be all sorts of reasons why she doesn't want your Lo to go there - when my 2 youngest were very small I didn't do playdates for a while - I struggled to cope with my own kids for a while, let alone other peoples!

Does she have other kids? Does she work? Maybe she feels paranoid about her home not being as big/clean/nice as yours (some people do really worry about this sort of thing). Go with it for now, but if she NEVER takes a turn then you might have to review it and perhaps start meeting on neutral ground eg at a soft play cantre or in the park (when it's warmer)

TallulahDoesTheHula · 27/01/2011 13:59

How can she be taking the piss? OP is the one chasing for the contact, all the other mum has said is that she cant have OP's son to her house so is happy for Z to go to OPs or to just leave it.
OP, for whatever reason Zs mum is unable to do return play dates. You need to decide whether you want to continue the friendship by having playdates at your house only OR whether to let the friendship slide.

MadreInglese · 27/01/2011 14:02

perhaps you need to thoughen up that heart a little Wink

whilst it's nice to keep in touch with a best friend it's probably not healthy to encourage an obsession with just one child, tell him that Z is busy but you'll see him soon (sing-songy oh dear never mind) but he could invite someone else, etc - it will bother him much less if he doesn't see that you're feeling heartbroken about it

JamieLeeCurtis · 27/01/2011 14:03

purpleandpink - I also used to struggle with other people's children when mine were small, because there was lots of sibling rivalry going on between my two which made play-dates really hard

Now, I find I don't mind them because at least I don't have to go out in the cold to collect the DCs

JamieLeeCurtis · 27/01/2011 14:18

pushy, hang-around-the-teacher mum in my DSs class is also an eavesdropper Wink

JamieLeeCurtis · 27/01/2011 14:18

OH god, sorry, wrong thread!

Jux · 27/01/2011 14:18

You're not providing free child care until your ds stops wanting to see Z. You are helping your son to keep in touch with his friend and have a nice time.

seeker · 27/01/2011 14:24

And even if you ARE providing free child care, if your ds enjoys it, why does it matter?

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