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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to get fed up with my friends baby.

20 replies

debbie1412 · 27/01/2011 11:48

Hiya

I dont know if this is one of those things you should just think to yourself or dare to say out loud. My friend and i have babies around 4/5 months old, i met her at ante natal and found she lived round the corner.... Her baby wasnt planned so shes struggling slightly to adjust to her new way of life. Ie wants to be at my house all day because she cant cope with the solitude. Problem is she has a really cryy whinging whineing baby and its disrupting my baby plus my ability to give him 1 to 1 attention and daily housework. Im starting to make excuses to avoid her because her baby anoys me.

Am i a awful person??

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 27/01/2011 11:49

No you are not awful we all like our own space and time.

Just tell her you are busy! Simple.

mamsnet · 27/01/2011 11:51

Yeah, but.. There but for the grace of god go I..

Could be you next time..

All day is obviously too much but don't cut her out either.

Sirzy · 27/01/2011 11:51

I can see why your frustrated but at the same time if she is struggling she needs so sort of help, but not necessarily from you. Have you suggested that she talks to her HV or someone about how she is feeling?

Perhaps try to have some sort of plan about when you will meet up but tell her you need some time on your own with your DS.

Its a hard situation but I don't think you are an awful person!

comewhinewithme · 27/01/2011 11:54

Don't cut her out but maybe arrange to go for a coffee or the park in future it might knacker her baby out aswell and then she will get some sleep.

TattyDevine · 27/01/2011 11:54

YANBU to want to see a little less of your friend AND her baby.

Basically you have been given a baby that isn't whingey, yet you are having to "put up" with a whingey baby anyway.

Can you get out with her instead? Then the temptation to overstay is less. So if you headed into town for a coffee type thing - babies are often less whingey in these situations (not all obviously, and no idea why) but just get out and then the whinging is less "intense" and might actually stop. Then go home to your separate abodes!

Tricky hey.

Quenelle · 27/01/2011 11:56

How about arranging to go with her to a Sure Start centre? She'll have a chance to get advice from the family support workers and also to make some other friends. You won't have to go with her every time after the first.

It sounds like she's having a hard time and really values your company. I appreciate you want your own time though. And no, you're not an awful person.

manicbmc · 27/01/2011 11:57

Maybe go to a mother and baby group so she can find new friends to pester hang out with?

BertieBotts · 27/01/2011 12:02

Perhaps you could start off by being "busy" when there is a playgroup locally, so say "Sorry, my MIL is coming round on Monday, but maybe you could try out that baby group? You'll have to let me know what it's like." Or maybe start going to a few groups with her, and then just stop going and hope she goes on her own.

A children's centre stay and play session is a good start as the staff should be supportive and will point her in the direction of other groups, etc, or support networks which may be available.

Then just increase the amount of time you're busy - it sounds mean, but really she can't rely on one person like this, she needs to get out and do more, but while she has the option to come to your house constantly she won't do this.

Original poster

debbie1412 · 27/01/2011 12:06

thanks i was feeling really guilty and dont get me wrong my lo can play up like the rest of them, he certainly has his moments lol, i just dont like having to disrupt his routine naps etc which has taken so long to instill because she wont go home, I have been out for coffee with her and lunch and then she invites herself back to mine afterwoulds. example yesterday after boogie babies she said fancy a coffee when we get back, i said i need to clean my bathroom which i did/do, she said il watch the babies while you do it. I need to be firmer but its hard it doesnt come naturally to me. x

OP posts:

Original poster

debbie1412 · 27/01/2011 12:08

she does go out most days i know its her way of coping but i think if she stayed home and gave her lo more attention she would settle easier. x

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 27/01/2011 12:08

fancy a coffee when we get back?

Oh, no sorry I can't today, but let's catch up for a coffee in town/high st tomorrow? Say 11am as DC will be napping/awake/whatever...

Practise and repeat as needed.

KnittedBreast · 27/01/2011 12:17

well i would say yanbu. why dont you agree to meet her at a baby group once or twice a week and then go to hers for cofee after. you can bring biscuits and that way you control when you go home. think qulaity time with her rather than quantity

Maria2007loveshersleep · 27/01/2011 12:22

YANBU, but I think your main problem is with your friend who seems to be relying on you for company a bit more than you would ideally like, and not with her baby. After all, if you feel irritated (understandably) by a constantly crying baby, just imagine for a second how she must be feeling! It's knackering to have a baby around who constantly whines & cries, and some babies are just like that, I feel for your friend.

But you could very simply say 'no I can't today, but let's meet tomorrow' etc, and gradually the amount of time you spend with her will be closer to what you would ideally prefer, rather than only based on what she needs. But as I said, I really feel for your friend.

Sirzy · 27/01/2011 12:23

When she says about looking after the babies why not answer something like "thanks for the offer but he is due his nap and I will do it then, I'm trying to sort our routine now"

coldtits · 27/01/2011 12:26

be very kind, but be assertive. This might mean telling a few lies. Like "I've got to go straight to my sister's afterwards, then I'm going to go to bed for a couple of hours, but I'd love to meet up tomorrow."

You will get your rest, she will get her company.

coldtits · 27/01/2011 12:28

And I was in your position. A friend had a baby at the same time as me, but hers was 9 weeks premature and she was homeless in a B & B. She ended up at my house nearly all day, every day, because when she was weaning him she didn't want to just give him dry food (and only had a kettle and a toaster to 'cook' with). Added to this, mine was a routiny docile little limp at 6 months old, and hers was still a screamy ball of cling. Both are massive 7 year old boys now, and are good friends, but I did end up telling some white lies because ds1 really needed space.

LilRedWG · 27/01/2011 12:31

Why don't you put her in touch with Homestart - they are a God send.

sueperlative · 27/01/2011 15:01

the baby is probably whingy/unhappy because it picks up on the fact that the mum isnt interested in it

IAmTheCookieMonster · 27/01/2011 15:04

hand her a mop next time she is round, i can guarantee she won't come as often (and if she likes helping with your housework then even better!)

Honeybee79 · 27/01/2011 15:09

YANBU to want to see less of her and her baby but don't cut her out totally - she's struggling and that could be you next time around. Cut down the contact or change the setting - eg go out for a walk with her?

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