Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel cross with dh about my birthday..?

25 replies

rupertandfifi · 26/01/2011 13:17

Background-
Dh and I have 3 children- all 5 or under so we rarely get any time alone together. I am back at work after mat leave in a couple of weeks and it was my birthday earlier this week.

Dh and I try to mark each others birthdays by going out for a nice meal. They have got less and less extravagent as you might expect as each year has gone on!

I had managed to sort childcare out for all dc to enable us to go out for lunch just the two of us.
Anyhow,the day before our oldest dd was not well so I said to dh that we wouldnt be able to go out for lunch. At this point I said, that maybe he should just go to work and save his last day of holiday to maybe allow us to reschedule (not much chance but you never know)
He said he might just do half a day.

I spent every day ferrying the kids about, getting them in and out of the car etc and with dh being at home, I was looking forward to not doing the schoolrun just for one day.

Dh didn't go to work but did make me a nice breakfast. Dm popped by with my card and took dc2 to preschool (v unusual)
Later, I took dc3 to nursery (trial before starting properly when I return to work)I spent the day with dc1,attending to her illnesses!
My lunch was 2 slices of toast. I did say to dh that I might go to the cinema - as it was I decided not to as I wanted to spend some time with dc1 as she was ill and I rarely get 1-1 time with her. Plus I didnt really want to spend the day on my own.

Dh spent the day defrosting the freezer and did collect dc2 from preschool. When he got back I asked him where dc3 was (had phoned him to remind him about car seats but didnt have phone with him) and he said nursery. When I asked why he said dc2 wanted to come home and he didnt fancy waiting around 20 mins for dc3 and would go back later (5 mins!) ( I had said a specific time we would collect her)

At this point,I was cross - I spend my days watching the clock, and waiting around to collect or drop off.
I got in the car and collected dc3.

We all had buffet tea together, dh warmed up a few bits.It was mainly for the kids benefit.

After tea,dh gave each dc a present to give to me and a card. (2 of these recycled from xmas- not bothered about that- I didnt want anything else)He also gave me a card from him and some flowers.

Kids went to bed, dh and I did not speak. I went to bed at 830 feeling sorry for myself.

I know once you have kids, their needs become more important and I am not cross that dc1 was ill; just that dh could have made more of an effort or just gone to work and it would have been a more normal day rather than what I now see as a wasted day.

I have name changed as was feeling abit exposed with normal name btw.

OP posts:
thefurryone · 26/01/2011 13:22

I can't quite work out why you're annoyed with him is it just because he took two trips to collect DC2 & DC3 from nursery?

clevercloggs · 26/01/2011 13:23

i dont really understand which part you are annoyed about

trixie123 · 26/01/2011 13:23

sorry you had a shit day. if he has taken up a day of his holiday allowance I am surprised he wanted to defrost the freezer on it! It does sound like it was all a bit patchy though with lots going on. Assuming he is not usually around during the day and doesn't know the routine it must have all seemed very chaotic and perhaps he didn't really know how to help effectively. Is there anyone who could have all three kids at the weekend and the two of you go off and do something? Sulking about it and going to bed early is only going to make the atmosphere worse. Its not like he said he didn't give a toss or spent the day on the playstation.

mutznutz · 26/01/2011 13:27

So.....

He made you a nice breakfast

Defrosted the freezer

Collected one child from school and intended to go back 5 mins later to collect the other one...yet you insisted on doing it your way.

Your Mum took one of the kids to pre-school

Made you a buffet tea

Got presents for you from the kids

Sorry, why exactly are you cross with the poor guy?

mayorquimby · 26/01/2011 13:30

yes you seem completely unreasonable

FabbyChic · 26/01/2011 13:31

The older we get the less important our birthdays become. I have not celebrated mine since I was 40, before that when I was 35.

It is just another day no different to any other.

My son is 23 was on Monday even he said it's just another day Ma, no different to any other.

Maybe there are more underlying issues like you feel a bit depressed so this one day made you feel sad because it reminds you what life is really all about.

bubblewrapped · 26/01/2011 13:35

not sure what your problem is, and I bet your poor husband doesnt know either...

ConnorTraceptive · 26/01/2011 13:36

So you're annoyed that although he was willing to pick up the children he didn't do it your way and if you have to sit around in cars waiting to do pick ups then so should he?

Not sure he did anything that wrong tbh

He was happy to pick up dc3 you sound like you are being a bit of a matyr tbh

rupertandfifi · 26/01/2011 13:37

So am I being an arse.Blush
Annoyed about the two trips and wasting petrol and him saying he didnt want to wait around for 10mins.
Annoyed my tea and lunch was crap (he's a chef btw)
Annoyed he didnt just go to work and treat it as any other day - ie let me get on with looking after dc1
No one to have all 3 kids - was a real luxury and seems wasted although dc1's illness cannot be helped.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/01/2011 13:37

I thought you were going to say that he forgot to get you a card / present, forgot it was your birthday etc

I'm with Mutznutz on this one.

What I have found with my DH is that I need to spell out what I expect for birthdays etc as his idea of what will make me happy (defrosting the freezer for example) is not quite the same as my idea of what will make me happy (chocolate Grin)

mutznutz · 26/01/2011 13:42

You're tea and lunch was crap?

Yes you're being an arse lol! (and I don't mean that nastily btw)

You're a grown up...not a little one looking forward to jelly and ice cream. You had brekkie cooked and an evening buffet.

It's all about effort imo and your husband certainly seems to be putting lots in.

Now give him a hug when he gets home and tell him some nutcase with dog's genitals in her name on the internet told you to do it Grin

ConnorTraceptive · 26/01/2011 13:46

If you wanted a nice tea you should have told him to either go shopping or get some take a way.

Maybe he thought if he went to work you would be miffed that he chose work over being at home

compo · 26/01/2011 13:51

You are sounding a bit princessy tbh

thefurryone · 26/01/2011 13:51

He may well have thought taking the day off could still have made him useful and to be fair despite not doing it quite the way you wanted him to he did help out.

So he didn't make you a gormet lunch and tea despite being a chef, but if he was a carpenter would you have expected him to make you a cupboard on his day off? Wink

I imagine he's now a bit Confused about why you are in such a mood with him so say sorry and thank you for the effort he did make, and try and work out if there is something you can both do together at a later date as it sounds more like you're annoyed with missing out on lunch together than anything else.

compo · 26/01/2011 13:52

If he's a chef the last thing he probably wants to do on his day off is cook
I'd have suggested a takeaway and bottle of wine

Limbodancer · 26/01/2011 13:57

Believe me you got far more for your birthday than I have done for years. Surely you can rearrange the sitter for another time?

The poor man defrosted a freezer on his day off, it was hardly like he was sitting on his bum reading The Sun.

Whilst the day hadn't gone according to plan you are being a tad ungrateful.

Danthe4th · 26/01/2011 13:58

Just once it would be nice if they surprised you though with something a little different. I can see where you are coming from op my dh always gets me what I ask for, fair enough but I can buy what I want, just once I would love something which he had chosen himself or arranged a meal by himself or organised anything himself really.
Perhaps i'm a princess too,lol

CaptainNancy · 26/01/2011 14:00

He recycled your christmas presents as birthday presents? Shock really? That's not on...

justcarrots29 · 26/01/2011 14:14

I can see your point - they just ash something together and think 'that'll do' whereas I will be thinking about his birthday for a couple of weeks and try to do something that just makes the day a bit special.
However, I am not disappointed now, as I have learnt not to expect anything! Next birthday - make sure you get something to treat yourself and then you won't be let down.

purpleandpink · 26/01/2011 16:48

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. If you wanted DH to make you a nice lunch or whatever perhaps you should have just asked for it.

I do agree that it is harder to have special time when you have kids, and have learned that you need to get better at saying, quite clearly, what you would like to do. Much better than saying nothing on the day and sulking about it afterwards, which (sorry) but it sounds like you are doing.

TastesLikePanda · 26/01/2011 17:38

I kind of know what you meen - after all your birthday is the only day that is about 'you' not other people so I think YANBU to feel disappointed about it not being a special day.
Although I second everyone saying that sometimes with men you do have to spell out what you want - hints are ignored not noticed in my house!

TastesLikePanda · 26/01/2011 17:38

*mean
I can spell, honest!

Bousy · 26/01/2011 19:29

Obviously I'm not in the majority here but I totally get why you're feeling miffed. It was your birthday, and although your original plans for lunch didn't work out, he could still have done something to make it special (or even asked what you would like to make it special). Defrosting the freezer is helpful but not exactly top priority. And I see your point about the pickup - it's frustrating someone saying that they don't want to wait about when you do it whenever you have to - like it's good enough for you but not for them. It does seem like a waste of a day's leave faffing around and not giving you a proper break. That said, he did make some effort and it's not like he's been horrible, so probably time to make it up Smile

rupertandfifi · 26/01/2011 20:49

Thanks for the replies. Bousy hit the nail on the head. I have no choice but to wait around, there is noone I can leave any of the dc with so I can nip anywhere. I guess I am annoyed that he got the luxury to do so and I never do.

I have spoken with dh about it and I told him I had been so looking forward to having a nice lunch with him; that when I prewarned him the day before it was unlikely to happen,I was hoping that he would compensate. Rather than nagging him, I was hoping he would go to the shop and a) buy something nice as a treat for lunch or b) buy a nice bottle of wine for us to have when the kids were in bed.
However, I should have a) just told him what I wanted or b) done it myself.

Right, I am off to polish my princess halo...

OP posts:
Bearcat · 26/01/2011 21:15

Do you know something, at some stage during our kids primary school age we decided that for any of mine and DH birthday or even wedding anniversary that we would take the kids with us!
We had had a couple of let downs with babysitters and we were never rich enough to be going out to really classy and expensive restaurants, and it was worth it to us to pay £15 for the 2 DS's to eat with us than worry whether a babysitter would turn up.
The kids got to go out a bit more often for a nice meal and we always enjoyed their company.
A few years ago DH and I were going to a Jules Holland open air summer concert and on the spur of the moment decided that rather than have pizza with the DS's at our house that we would go and have a quick meal out before the concert. DS2 who was about 11 at the time rather indignantly said to us 'What a hot meal?' It was so funny, he had started to presume that he would always be included in a meal out 'en famille.'
They are now 23 and 19 and I am so glad that we had these meals with them. There's going to be enough years when it's just me and DH.
They still probably wouldn't turn down a meal out on the bank of mum and dad. I'm still waiting for DS1 who graduated last year and has a well paying job to say 'I'll pay'.May wait a while yet!

New posts on this thread. Refresh page