to expect my daughters school to prevent bullying?

[debsl75]

I'm at the end of my tether.
Basicly my daughter (K) is being bullied.
She is a bright 11 year old. She realy is no trouble, well except for the pre teen hormones!
To cut a long story short she started her new high school in September and none of her friends from primary school went with her. So in order to "impress" some of the other girls she told a "porky-pie" about a male friend she had a crush on at her primary school, she made more out of it then there realy was (all done because she thought it made her more interesting and likable). Well one of her "friends" Ha! Ha! decided she didn't like the attention it got K and went out of her way to prove K as a liar. She asked to come round after school and whilst she was here she took the phone number of this boy from K's phone. When she got home she phoned him and bombarded him with questions about K. Obviously he must have said that there hadn't been anything between them. This was like a red rag to a bull, she started calling K a liar and generaly being unpleasent.
I thought it would all blow over within a couple of days (which it normaly does) but a week later it was still going on. This girl was saying that everything K was saying and has said was a lie and she has been getting other girls involved. I called the school to speak to her head of year, but these days you have to leave a message on the voicemail and hope they check it regularly. She called me back that afternoon at the end of the school day!!! another day she has had to endure the bullying. She assured me that it would be sorted and that if this girl continued there would be trouble. Guess what it carried on. Now no one wants to be seen with her, if someone is with her they go up to the other girl and say "we feel sorry for you".
She told one little lie, and the only person that got hurt was herself. She addmited it and appologized but this girl seems hell bent on making K's life hell.
I contacted the school again on Monday afternoon and had to leave another voice message!!! to which she replied yesterday afternoon.
What makes things worse is that they have just finished a topic about bullying in one of their lessons. And all this has been going on in lessons right under the noses of the teachers and not one of them has done a thing!!! Her head of year is never about when she needs her (having been told to go and speak with her anytime).
I feel so bad for her, she cried herself to sleep last night, it breaks my heart. I feel so cruel sending her to school but I know from personal experience that staying away makes it worse. They have been saying to her also that she shouldn't be coming to school, she should be ashamed.
When I dropped her off at school I felt like I was dropping my lamb off at the slaughter.
When did little girls turn so fucking nasty?
When did parents (minority) allow their children to be so nasty?

YANBU to expect to be able to get in touch with school on a same day basis and go in and speak to tutor/head of year or whatever

YABU to blame the other kids parents - they probably have NO IDEA AT ALL what is going on

And girls have ALWAYS been capable of being nasty

Back when I was at school the younger children of around eleven were about as nasty as that, if not worse in some ways. (Dressing up in outfits that reminded me of a prostitute and wearing an obscene amount of make-up).

Anyway, I'm sorry your daughter has to go through something like that. It's true the lie was her own fault and she probably would have been found out/felt guilty about it, however, that girl is taking it too far. Your daughter shouldn't have to go through this, she admitted the lie and apologised, that should be the end of it.
I would suggest going into the school and seeing the head in person, have a serious discussion about the matter and make sure someone talks to not only the girl who is bullying your daughter, but your daughter as well.

I'd also talk to your daughter yourself, say if she needs to talk to you anytime she can, and that you will try your best to sort things out. Give her a hug and just be there for her as usual.

I would agree that parents have no idea of what their children get up to at school.
I do feel sorry for your DD though but have no useful words of advice. Mine is not yet 10.

I'm sorry your daughter is having a bad time but having read your post I would make two points:

1. Heads of year are usually full time classroom teachers who get a couple of extra periods a week to deal with all 180 odd students' issues. It is hardly surprisiing that she is not sitting at a desk waiting for your call or for kids to drop in and see her. You have no idea what other issues maybe going on in the year group that she has to deal with also and in the grand scheme of things your daughter's problem is not that huge, which brings me to:
2. When I was 11, 12, 13 I was part of a little group of 4 girls who all met for the first time at secondary school having come on our own from primaries. Over 2-3 years we would swap around who was "best" friends with who and every now and then for really no reason one of us would suddenly find ourselves ostracised for a few days - having to sit alone, eat alone etc. It was bloody awful but never lasted long and in my book does not constitute bullying. Neither is it something I would have wanted the teachers to get involved in. I was a form tutor for 6 years and had a group of girls who all did pretty much the same thing. Everytime, one of the parents would ask me and the HoY to sort it and we would spend hours talking all this "she said that i said that you did..." kind of thing and no matter WHAT steps we took, they would always either make up or continue the feud regardless. This is how preteen girls interact and unless it continues or the "friend" actively recruits others to not like your daughter I really would stay out of it as much as poss.

Having said all that, I do appreciate how horrible this is for your daughter and really the best thing she can do is try to make a few other friends or go to a few lunchtime activities until it dies down. It will.

What a sensible post trixie.

When did parents (minority) allow their children to be so nasty?

Conversely when did parents allow their children to lie?

I really sympathise with your daughter but I think you are making it worse. Yes the other girl is obviously taking it too far but and it really hurts to say this but maybe your daughter needs to live with the consequences of lying to a degree. You have trivialised and ''explained'' away the lie as 'making herself more interesting'.but it is also a breach of faith in friendship. 11 year old girls tend to hold friendship above everything. You go friends Haha !- but your daughter did not exactly prove to be a good friend did she?

And expecting a head of year to be on permanently stand by is ridiculous. Your daughter is not being physically abused but socially excluded - it can be as bad but is much harder to deal with and if it really that bad move schools - the year head cannot 'make' people be your daughters friends

Very wrong for the girls to carry this on but also you need to help your daughter grow some and move on. Unless its a very small high school there are plenty of other girls to make friends with - it could actually be a very positive and character building.

I don't condone bulling and can't think I've ever though before that someone has brought it on themselves but to a degree your daughter has and your tone is just wrong.

.

or the "friend" actively recruits others to not like your daughter

• its clear enough in the OP this has already happened, - so it does sound like it needs more adult intervention.

Something similar happened to my DD and she hadn't lied and did in fact have the "boyfriend" and still one little cow makes my daughters life a misery because she's jealous.
I have a rule unless anything physical happens I keep out of it or something very onesided like older girls being involved.
Tell your DD to ignore the ringleader and the others will get over it sooner or later.

Been through something so very similar with my dd, who is now 14 and in yr9, but in yr 7 she was the one always pushed out of the group.
She hadnt told a lie, but she is a lovely girl, who was a bit naive, and suffered hugely at the hands of some really nasty girls.
One of them was supposed to be her best freind, but eventually,.after meeting with the head of year, and encouraging my dd, she moved on from this, got other freinds, and is alot happier now,
She only has a small group of freinds, and is by now means in the "popular" gang, but she's not like that anyway and is happy.
IF the head of year is not forthcoming I would go and sit in the schools reception until such time she will see you.
I agree that sometimes we shouldn't interefere, BUT this is year 7, 11 year olds, they are still children and deserve our protection....many girls this age mature (!) faster and can cope with these situations, and evn thrive on causing them.but alot of girls are not mentally prepared for this, which I think shows in the fact she lied in the way she did, and she needs you to do whatever it takes to help her.

I don't think you should be flamed for her lie, we bring our kids up to be true and good but FGS, they all tell little porkies, and she did this to try to be more interesting, it was not a lie meant to cause harm!

Does she have any freinds out of school? encourage her to find some after school clubs she would be iteresetd in, and she can make new freinds maybe that way.

I wish you lots of luck, its bloody hard to think someone wants to hurt our babies, but support her, be there for her,and encourage her to meet some new freinds.
x

At this age 11 girls take the most trivial things very seriously, it happened to my DD and she was excluded by a group of girls who had previously been really nice friends, this has had a knock on effect with new friends ever since so my DD has had quite a few friends since the age of 11. I did interfere but the school made it out to be my DD problem as it was a matter that started outside of school, fortunately my DD is a strong character and has managed not to let this upset her, but I know for a fact it did affect her school work in a negative way. As your daughter is clearly very upset by the bullies I would see if mediation through the school helps, (did'nt in my case), what you may find is that it starts to affect her schoolwork performance as she will be worrying all the time. No easy answers to this, but I would not leave my DD at a school where it upsets her to the point where she cries herself to sleep. I hope things settle for your daughter soon.

Having re-read the OP I would amend my earlier post slightly - the other girl getting everyone else involved and trying to put off everyone from being her friend is (whilst typical) a notch up the scale of unpleasentness. It is EXTREMELY difficult to deal with however, in any sort of official capacity. Any "punishment" WILL backfire on your daughter. Have you spoken to the form tutor? They have daily and closer contact than the HoY and may be able to identify 1 or 2 girls who will remain your daughters friends and go around with her until this dies down. It is far more effective to deal with it this way than trying to punish the "queen bee" (at this stage of things anyway). It was a strategy I did employ occasionally - I was lucky enough to have several girls in the form who were very lovely and very mature whilst being quite popular so if they befriended someone, the "bullies" tended to leave them alone. Might be worth a try.

That sound very effective Trixie - social exclusion is so hard to deal with especially in senior school - The buddy bench not seen as very cool :)

Something that no one has mentioned is that it wasn't nice of the other girl to look at K's phone and get the boy's number, presumably secretly. She is therefore not to be trusted and K should make sure her phone is locked with a pin number in future.

can I ask what a buddy bench is? I assume its a primary school thing? Also, yes, OP may want to look at DD use of mobile, facebook etc. Sadly the whole cyberbullying thing is on the rise and far more insidious than the old fashioned kind!

"Heads of year are usually full time classroom teachers who get a couple of extra periods a week to deal with all 180 odd students' issues. It is hardly surprisiing that she is not sitting at a desk waiting for your call or for kids to drop in and see her. You have no idea what other issues maybe going on in the year group that she has to deal with also and in the grand scheme of things your daughter's problem is not that huge"

Well said. I'd add to that the fact that if the HOY is teaching all day she can't be expected to listen to calls and return them before the end of that day.

I'm sorry your daughter is having an unpleasant time but as others have said social exclusion can be very difficult to deal with. It must be very hard being at a new school and having to make an entirely new set of friends when other friendship groups are established.

Hi Trixie yes primary school - just a bench where anyone new/needing a play fellow encourage to sit - in infants usually everyone is encouraged to befriend - in junior more common to have designated buddies

The older they get its obviously harder to use the 'everyone plays' rule

Going against the grain here. I think this sounds horrific for your daughter and has gone beyond what is endurable for a child of 11. At my DD's school, and she's in yr 7, this sort of thing would be taken extremely seriously and the school would intervene actively and I would trust them to do so. I am aware of a few children who have been bullied this year and it has been nipped in the bud. I am also aware that the girls who have been unkind have had to visit the head and their parents have been called in and I don't think it has been anywhere the near the scale described by the OP. However, I would not keep my child at a school where dealing with this sort of behaviour was not taken very seriously indeed.

The school will have an anti-bullying policy, the staff should be able to advise on techniques to reduce the bullying, look at seating plans and support other friendship groups for your daughter. In your shoes, I would hand deliver a written request to meet with the head teacher or head of pastoral care as a matter of urgency in order to address this matter.

I think the school should take a hardline on this and bullying in general. Although, the OP's DD told a lie does she really deserve the treatment she is receiving? I am pretty sure she has learnt her lesson straight away. I don't think most schools take bullying seriously enough. There are so many future implications that come from it, just look at the bullying threads on these boards. I do however understand what Trixie has said and I think there is a very fine line to walk in order to not make it worse for your DD. There was a recommendation for a fantastic book that I think Trixie was alluding to called "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman definately worth a read.Big Hugs to your DD.

I was unceromoniously dumped and ostracised from our little clique at school I never really got over it. I never told my Mum as I felt I was letting her down if I wasn't popular or happy. At least your DD has you and can talk to you about it. The girl who was the ring leader of the dumping tried to friend me on Facebook in the last few months I don't think so!!