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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Nursery teacher not believing child

24 replies

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:00

Can anyone help?!! I know this is wrong but short of pulling child out of nursery - how do I stop my 3yr old being hurt at nursery.
She is friends with a little one who is one minute nice and the next hitting her - I've TOLD her to go and find someone nicer to play with but she won't!! This week there was 'an accident' when the friend dropped wooden bricks on her head, then she hit her on arm, then pinched her tummy and THEN cut her hair! I told one teacher who told head honcho of nursery who went into a speel about how well behaved this little girl is and that when pushed my little girl said it was her sister who cut hair when they don't even have scissors at home and she had already told her nana it was this girl. I did question what was happening but then went to pick her up and found that she had been put on the naughty chair in nursery for doing something really minor - nothing like any of the above - What do i do now?!!

OP posts:

radiohelen · 25/01/2011 22:03

She's 3. Get a new nursery.
If they aren't even prepared to think of your version of events then they don't give a toss about you or your hard earned cash.

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:04

More worryingly - it's a school nursery

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Maisiethemorningsidecat · 25/01/2011 22:05

Get thee to a new nursery

Were they not aware that this had gone on? How did they explain the cut hair? Did you get an accident report, or were you told about the incidents? If not, then I'd be very worried.

Maisiethemorningsidecat · 25/01/2011 22:06

If it's a school nursery, go to the Head of the school and make a formal complaint

curlymama · 25/01/2011 22:08

If you aren't happy with the care your dd is receiving, then move her.

It might be worth bearing in mind that they may use confliction resoulution techniques that may not seem like they are anything to you, but can work quite effectively in a nursery setting. I have no idea what the naughty chair is about though. I work in early years at a nursery, and I would not be happy at all about working somewhere that thought a naughty chair was a good way to teach children. Things like that are for at home, not in nurseries.

If they didn't see exactly what happened with the brick etc, it can be hard for them to deal with it in the most effective way. They should have filled in an incident report though, and got you to sign it. Did that happen?

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:15

No - they just tell you whats happened when you pick them up. No, was not told of hair cutting or anything else from them apart from the bricks. It's not called a 'naughty chair in nursery but the kids know thats what it is so they all really know they've done something wrong when thy're on there. The day I mentioned 'incidents' was the day that they put her sister on the chair 'by mistake' - they're identical twins but the teacher never mentioned any of it to me - the girls told me. The one who was put on by mistake was really upset so i asked if the teacher said sorry that she'd made a mistake with their identity but my DD said no she just took me off and put other DD on there!

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Maisiethemorningsidecat · 25/01/2011 22:19

My son goes to a (fabulous) school nursery, and as well as a noticeboard with the day's events, we're also told of any incidents or accidents and have to sign a report (we then get to keep a copy). The naughty chair sounds horrible

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:22

I know - its like a time out chair to get them to think about what they've done but it's the complete denial that there's anyting wrong that bothers me. It makes me wonder what else goes on and of course worry about leaving them now

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curlymama · 25/01/2011 22:24

I'm not liking the sound of this nursery tbh. How do they refer to 'ther chair', just our of interest. Whatever they call it, imo, it's not good prectice for a setting.

The thing about them not saying sorry would bother me alot, but I'm very big on that sort of thing at work and with my dc. I apologise to children for the tiniest mistakes because I think it helps them feel that their feelings are valued, which I think is hugely important for their sense of self esteem. And it helps teach them when it's polite and kind for them to say sorry, they do need to be taught these things after all.

How do they deal with your twin dds usually, and are you happy otherwise? I think having twins you are quite well placed to make a judgement about how they value their children.

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:30

I was happy before all of this - there was an incident when they first started with one little boy who was tapping (the same DD) in the face - so I mentioned this the to same teacher who said similar - no, he probably didn't do it to hurt her - he's really well behaved! Which of course I know is prob just three year old behaviour sometimes but now I'm wondering whether they just tell parents anything to keep the peace.

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GloriaSmut · 25/01/2011 22:30

This "chair", is it also known as "Old Sparky"? Because I do find it a distinctly creepy form of punishment for a nursery to use and certainly it appears to spook the children out. Not a good thing.

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:31

Sorry Curlymama - they are in different groups and I thought they were quite kind to them - but now I don't know what to think. I don't want to take them in!

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Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:34

GloriaSmut - no but maybe as scary when you're three?!

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curlymama · 25/01/2011 22:41

Oh if they are in different groups it will be harder for you to judge.

But then it also seems like an even bigger mistake that they put the wrong child on the chair!

I wouldn't worry too much about taking them in, i'm sure they will be safe and cared for. It's more about if they are providing the type of care you would choose. I know it can be hard if the nursery is attached to the school you want your dd's to attend.

Perhaps keep a close eye on them for a bit longer, make yourself very visible and go in for lots of chats. They should be making observations of what your dd's do, and you are entitled to see them, and any other records they may have whenever you like. Really good practice is when they encourage you or invite you in to look at these things. Ask them if you can have a look at pick up time next time you drop off and watch the reaction you get. They should be welcoming, and having a look at the things your dd's have been observed doing might help to put your mind at rest.

NonnoMum · 25/01/2011 22:41

You really need to let the head know your concerns. Letter to the head, with a copy sent to chair of governors.

Just assuming that another child would never do anything naughty "as they are so well behaved" is barking.

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 22:50

Yes I know - it's the 'they are so well behaved' bit that worries me - it's awkward because I know and like the mother but she's even told me what she's like so I just want them to open their eyes or at least stop any hitting or haircutting! What if she'd missed and cut her ear 'by mistake' of course!! The teacher is well respected and if I go to head teacher - won't it just cause more bad feeling towards my DDs? I feel like they got the naughty chair treatment because I dared to say anything and it just feels really wrong.

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PlanetLizard · 25/01/2011 22:59

Get a different nursery.

Is the teacher friends with the other child's mother by any chance?

curlymama · 25/01/2011 22:59

It really shouldn't. If it does, the teachers shouldn't be working with children.

I'm not sure that you have enough concrete evidence to make a formal complaint that will be taken seriously, everything you have said could be explained away too easily. If you get a bad attitude when you ask to look at obs, or you see something you're not happy with then, it could help you with a complaint.

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 23:05

Yes, thats what I thought which makes it more difficult to know what to do next. What do you mean by obs. There isn't a formal incident book or anything that parents can see - just a diary that accidents and bumps get written into and told to parents at hometime.

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Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 23:06

PlanetLizard - not that I'm aware of but know each other through older children going through nursery.

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KickArseQueen · 25/01/2011 23:07

What you are really saying is that you are beginning to doubt the teachers proffesionalism. I'm not really surprised from what you have said I think I would too. Bottom line. If you think the staff are capable of treating your dds differently because you have gone to the staff with justifyable concerns then you need to pull your children out and speak with the head teacher / board of govenors or offsted.

I'm not trying to frighten you, but one of my relatives once complained about a member of staff at her dds nursery, just a verbal discussion with the manager.

The following week her dd came home from the nursery tripped over a shoe in the hallway and wouldn't stop crying and rubbing at her arm. My relative took her to hospital and they discovered she had a broken arm.

Obviously no-one could prove anything, the child could have broken the arm tripping on the shoe, but I personally think its unlikely.

Most nurserys are good and most of the staff at them are really lovely people who put loads of effort in to enriching the childrens time at nursery.

If you have a bad gut instinct, then in hindsight I would have to say go with it.

Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 23:11

I think I'm going to keep them away and have a think about moving them. Can't see I will ever feel able to relax about them being cared for properly. Maybe, curlymama, you're right about the not working with children bit. Maybe it's 'just a job' and she's more career focused than she seems - as in she just wants the boxes ticked and no questions

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Original poster

twentyeightagain · 25/01/2011 23:20

Ooh KickArseQueen, yes, I now do have bad gut feeling so maybe all of above advice is right. What you've written is awful - sometimes it's hard to think clearly with busy days and lots of other things going on too and you don't ever want to think that way about a teacher do you? I know most are great and caring in what they do.

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curlymama · 25/01/2011 23:33

Sounds like you're not happy, what are you thinking about looking around? Are there any other suitable nurseries you could use?

Bu obs, I meant observations. All nurseries have to do it as part of the EYFS (Early Years Foundation Stage), and they are checked by OFSTED. They have to help your child reach certain goals, loads and loads of random little goals how they use number language or how they jump and climb steps. To help them do that, and be able to plan how to help them achieve the goals, they write observations about your child. So they will record that they have seen your child interacting with another child in a positve way, or how they commented on something, or how they recognised their name. Not the best description (for any others that work at nurseries) I know, but it's late!

The observations can be quick scribbled post it notes or a long and detailed page, they really vary alot. But every nursery has to do them, and allow you to see them whenever you want. Asking them really shouldn't be a big deal, they should just be able to whip out a folder or something and let you have a read.

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