To not believe that ds is "just playing me" when anxious and unhappy at home, yet

[emkana]

Good in school? He is a very very young four, on school action plus for physical disability and speech delay. He is very cooperative at school, but frequently badly behaved, cranky and anxious at home, asking not to have to go to school. I am therefore keeping him part time (till lunchtime) for the moment. School is suggesting to me that he is putting in on at home, but why would he if he was truly happy? Isn't it more likely that he is putting on a happy face in school in order to fit in, even though he doesn't really feel it?

Extreme tiredness?

DD2 (August b'day) is well-behaved and attentive at school but can be an absolute horror at home

You sound spot on. OK for school to suggest full-time but not really to call it for him.

It's true though that he might not exactly be 'putting it on' in either place. At school he might be mostly OK, with some bits he struggles to handle. He may not display much of this struggle to school, so they don't see what an impact they are having. At home, perhaps all he can think about is the difficult bits, and he gets v wound up worrying about them.

I'm projecting here - I worry most of the time about my new work when I am not there, but once I get going there, most of it is OK. Doesn't mean it's not difficult, or that I'm not EXHAUSTED at the end of it.

My only question would be, is he doing mornings only? and what's the school's routine? He might be getting all the hard work bits, and missing out on the more fun bits. Or maybe he prefers the more formal bits and finds the playing bits harder. If he's not doing it already, possibly a mix of mornings and afternoons would be helpful in finding out what's really worrying him?

That makes a lot of sense, mackerel. Good idea about possibly mixing up the sessions. I just resent it when the school tells me it's all an act, when I have a very miserable boy to deal with every day!

YANBU, I had this for a while with DS (aug baby). Getting into 'trouble' at school over silly things, not feeling confident enough to say 'yes I did it because'. Coming home all upset and unhappy with school.

Schools reply 'well he's happy when he's here'. Really? Have you considered thats because of what I said he isn't confident enough in you to say otherwise.

Eventually they did a smile chart - at the end of a day DS drew a happy/ sad face and told teacher why. Sometimes simple things happy because had lolly for x birthday, finished my maths etc. Sad becuase x said/did this, didn't get my spelling right.

It worked that after a few weeks the school saw he did have a desire to learn and do well and that there were incidents with children he didn't immediatly run and tell tales about. Incidentally once the other children realised DS was telling a teacher they stopped winding him up and telling on him when he reacted.

Sorry to ramble on about my DS but I thought seeing someone elses very similar experience and the way it was moved on my help?

Most of all best of luck - trust your instincts.

even more sorry about the typos

He doesn't really have the verbal ability to reflect upon his time at school, unfortunately.

When will you move to full time?

emkana, could you try drawing a picture of his school, maybe with the playground, and some stick figures of different sizes doing different things - some alone, some running, some in groups, pairs etc, and say 'here's your school, here's the playground, here's Mrs X in the playground with you, where's DS?' and see which one he points to? Then again a picture of his table, or his classroom, and get him to show you where he is in the picture. Might be enlightening?

(I'm not any kind of expert btw)

"He doesn't really have the verbal ability to reflect upon his time at school, unfortunately." maybe use that to explain to his teacher why he seems happy. Its because he can't explain his feelings in depth.

ps thats why my DS had to draw faces. He always 'seemed' happy at school.

August born four here too, sounds the same

My DD was an absolute nightmare every evening in reception year.

Tiredness. Complete and utter exhaustion.

Didn't try and do any reading when we got in, just fed her, then bath and bed. She was often in bed for 6pm (and she was used to whole days at nursery from 5 months - school is different, v knackering)

Thank you, I feel renewed determination to stick to my guns.