Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

What you do for one child, you have to do for the other??

23 replies

icarriedawatermelon2 · 25/01/2011 20:03

Is this always true do you think?

AIBU in regards to private education?

Sending one to private as he would really really benifit from smaller classes (SEN). But send DS2 to an outstanding state primary.

AIBU to think its not so clear cut sometimes?

OP posts:

roisin · 25/01/2011 20:07

No. I don't agree with treating children identically. You treat them according to their needs and the options/possibilities open to them.

I went to independent school (won scholarship) and my brother went to state school.

I have two boys close in age. They both go to the same (state) secondary, but in many ways they are treated differently, because they have different interests and talents and needs.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 20:07

I think that you have to meet their needs and ensure that they each have equal opportunity to reach their potential.

This does not mean them having the same things delivered in the same way, however.

It's not clear cut. It's not always as simple as making sure they have the same number of chips or something

I always work from the pov that I am trying to 'level the playing field' so to speak. One of my children may need more than the other sometimes in order to acheive this.

MogTheForgetfulCat · 25/01/2011 20:08

I'm sure it probably isn't always clear cut. But I don't think I could do it. I suppose you could argue that at primary level at least they're initially unlikely to be particularly aware of it. But I would be wary of the potential for divisiveness within my own family.

LadySanders · 25/01/2011 20:10

i have same issue - ds1 is currently at private school and may well stay there for secondary education, he has dyslexia and i think choice of school is especially important for him. ds2 is incredibly bright and i suspect will do well wherever he goes, so i anticipate he'll go to a good state primary (assuming i ever manage to sell my house and move out of london to somewhere where there IS such a thing...)

Rhinestone · 25/01/2011 20:14

Hmm....beware. My parents sent me to state school and my siblings all to expensive private schools. It's something I will never forget.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 25/01/2011 20:17

I think it really depends on the needs in question...there is a little boy in my DDs school who has mild learning difficulties...so he's been placed in DDs non selective prep....his brothers are happy in the local state primary.

His parents want the best for him.

MsKLo · 25/01/2011 20:17

I think rhinestone makes a very very good point

Your children will always remember the difference - always and they will feel you treated them differently

FreudianSlippery · 25/01/2011 20:18

I have twin DSDs and we make damn sure we treat them as individuals. It all evens out in the end, as long as they know you love them both equally the financial/material stuff doesn't matter. YANBU.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 25/01/2011 20:18

Do people think that a painfully shy child should be given a private eduction in a smaller prep whereas the sibling who is confident be sent to a lager state school?

WimpleOfTheBallet · 25/01/2011 20:19

at LAGER state school!

SmethwickBelle · 25/01/2011 20:22

In general I agree that you meet needs as they arise and don't try to start a trend of dividing cakes EXACTLY down the middle and so forth.

If you send children to different schools that's a fairly serious level of investment in one child over another. If they have a documented or clear cut needs then it can be explained in retrospect as the child grows older. If it is just that they're a bit shy at the age of 4 or 7 or 11 then it might be baffling and possibly upsetting to an otherwise confident sibling, and you have to consider the adult child asking the question, "why not me?".

Rhinestone · 25/01/2011 20:22

Ooh, Wimple, I wish you were my mummy!

Would have loved a lager state school!!!

Original poster

icarriedawatermelon2 · 25/01/2011 20:22

I'm not sure shyness if 'solved' by being in a smaller group. I do think a smaller calming pre prep might calm down a child that is a bit full on though......well I hope so!

OP posts:

Plumm · 25/01/2011 20:24

Is the private school a specialist SEN school so DS2 couldn't go there anyway? If not it could be argued that DS2 would also benefit from the smaller class sizes.

Of course the other side of the arguement is that if you can only afford it for one child and going to state school would be detrimental To DS1 then you should send him private.

pointythings · 25/01/2011 20:25

I think that unless there are SEN involved parents should be very, very wary of sending one child to private school but not the other. I don't think 'painfully shy' versus 'confident' would be enough to justify the fallout when the children are grown and the hurt feelings on the part of the child who might well feel they 'weren't worth spending the money on'.

By all means treat children as individuals, but when one is receiving all the attention and resources at the expense of the other, you're asking for trouble.

mumbar · 25/01/2011 20:27

I want to go to Wimples state school - DS can go private.

I am on the fence here, mother to one, but my sister and I were treated differently and it does grate on me. Not educationally I may add but as I was quiet and unassuming, I was treated as independent and confident. In fact I was the opposite as felt in her shadow.

I think if can be done correctly and work though.

bubblewrapped · 25/01/2011 20:29

I think with money and material things, it should be fairly equal.

If one child gets to go on a school trip or holiday, the other should get some sort of treat too... for example.

But with regards to education, then it depends on the individual childs capabilities and educational needs.

You should be prepared to allow both the same opportunities though, you cant pick one out for special treatment above the other.

clam · 25/01/2011 20:32

I hear people say this all the time as if it is a universal truth.
But I disagree, as long as you present it in the right way to people - your children, first and foremost, but also any other nosy buggers anyone else who is likely to concern themselves with it.

happybubblebrain · 25/01/2011 20:36

I think it's unfair on both children and you are asking for trouble. They would benefit far more by being together in the same school. Treating children so differently regarding their opportunities can have awful emotional repercussions.

upahill · 25/01/2011 20:43

Generally speaking I would say you are correct - what you do for one your reasonably do for another.

I knew we couldn't afford to send both boys to private and have a good lifestyle so neither went.I could have afforded one but not both.

BUT your case is a bit different with him having SEN. If this was my scenario I would have to have a rethink on this paticular issue.

Sidge · 25/01/2011 20:43

It's not that clear cut.

I think, with regards to education, you have to send your child to the school that is the right school for that child. That may well mean one in the private system and one in the state system, especially where SEN/disabilities are concerned.

LadySanders · 25/01/2011 20:55

agree with sidge it's not clear cut - what about areas with grammar schools, or free scholarships to private schools? definitely i would do my best to find the best school for each child. my brother and i went to different schools because the area we grew up in had a boys school and a girls school which were very different academically and socially. and yet we still find things to blame our parents for having done unfairly! tis the way of it...

clam · 25/01/2011 21:01

My sister sent her twin boys to a private prep following dreadful problems in the state village school in their class. Didn't really want to go down the private route, but felt had no choice. Her older DD was appalled at the idea - because she thought it meant she had to go too! When they said not necessarily (no such problems in her class and she was happy and doing well), she heaved a sigh of relief and said "that's alright then."
Caused a bit of hurrumphing amongst certain relatives who decided it was all because sis and BIL clearly thought boys' education was more important than girls, but they ignored that and did what was best for their children at the time.

Flip