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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or am I living in denial

19 replies

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 19:59

Having chat today with bloke at work whose mum died a couple of years ago of cancer. He was talking about his experience and discussion was obviously sympathetic with my offering advice as he was angry at the way the medical system had dealt with her. I talked about my parents experiences (he asked), as they have both have had cancer.
Now as far as I am concerned, this is in the past (2ish and 6 years ago). However he insisted that they are both in remission and cancer 'hides somewhere in the body'. I kept trying to tell him that they are fine and do not have cancer but he kept labouring the point that I was wrong, oblivious to my feelings.
So, am I being unrealistic or is he very insensitive?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 25/01/2011 20:01

He is being insensitive. You do not need to hear this.

bubblewrapped · 25/01/2011 20:01

It can depend on the cancer to be honest. My gran had it and lived another 30 years, dying of something totally unrelated. My dad had it, and it came back.

It is true that in many cases it can come back sadly. BUT, he was being quite insensitive and sounds like one of those people who thinks they know more than the medical professionals.

cantspel · 25/01/2011 20:02

He is taking out of his arse. My mum has battled cancer twice. Two seperate different cancers completly unrelated (breast and womb) and is now cancer free

Lulumaam · 25/01/2011 20:03

I imagine he was feeling upset himself that his mum died of cancer, whilst you tell him your parents are both cancer free

PrincessScrumpy · 25/01/2011 20:07

Not an expert at all but I think it depends on the type of cancer.

My only experience of cancer returning was my aunt who had breast cancer, got the all clear then, 4 years on it came out in her liver and she sadly died 3 1/2 weeks after diagnosis. I have heard this is quite common.

However, I also know someone who had non hodgkins and has been clear for 10 years, and someone who beat prostate cancer and lived for 20 years before dying at 94, not of cancer.

He's probably trying to be helpful but sounds insensitive.

Original poster

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 20:24

My mum had breast cancer and my dad had prostate. I do understand that he is hurting because of his mum, but it did give me a jolt as I just try to be posative and think if they says it's gone it's gone. I actually went in the toilet to pull myself together. Big hormonal so that didn't help.

OP posts:

Seabright · 25/01/2011 20:26

it's the grief talking. He's angry - not with you, but with the cancer for killing his mum.

It's hard for you, but try and understand he's just letting out the anger.

Original poster

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 20:28

Ps thanks for the replies as was really unsure if being too ostrich!

OP posts:

sarahtigh · 25/01/2011 20:29

most medics think 5 years minimum to say no cancer I understand you he is insensitive, i think which ever of your parents had cancer 2 years ago probably a bit early to say all clear but 6+ years I would say all clear too in any case, if he brings it up again ask where he got his medical degree, that mostly shuts them up but you might just get the answer glasgow 1984 or similar but highly unlikely

most doctors though are very reluctant to say all clear but statistics tend to quote 1 year/5year and 10 year survival rates

I think may be his emotions a bit raw, but also some people do really think that once you have cancer its always there lurking in the background
but YANBU

Original poster

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 20:31

Lulumaam- he asked me about my experience, honest I am not so insensitive to talk about my parents who came through it (I hope, though slightly unsure now)

OP posts:

COCKadoodledooo · 25/01/2011 20:33

It might have been the case for his mum, and he can't see past that (understandably) at the moment. People do/say all sorts of funny things, get passionate about odd stuff when they're grieving.

It was probably wrong (though like sarahtigh I've heard 5 years as a minimum to be declared totally free), certainly insensitive, but probably not said without reason (to him).

Original poster

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 20:39

Trouble is my parents tend to not tell too much so maybe I have accepted what they say. The word remssion did not enter the vocabulary so I didn't even think about it. Never thought I was naive but guess I am.
Mum was 6 years ago so to me it's gone but dad I guess it's not and that's the first the I have really thought that. How weird that typing something out can make it real.

OP posts:

SmethwickBelle · 25/01/2011 20:39

YANBU. I think he was insensitive but in fairness to him, like others have said, he can't see cancer as something manageable as it took his mum away. I have seen various family members come out the other side with really great prognoses (including my sis with two grade three tumours) so I tend to feel like you that it is something that doesn't equate to a death sentence and if we brooded on possible future lumps bubbling away undetected we wouldn't get on with the important business of living.

GotArt · 25/01/2011 20:43

Thoughts become things... he keeps harping about it, he'll get cancer in no time. He really should be more positive about it, like you OP. Try not to think about it.

Original poster

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 20:46

Cock- yes I don't think he even realised I was upset (I am a good faker).
Do feel a bit stupid that I thought when is over it's over! I'm normally such a pessimist!

OP posts:

Original poster

whitemonkey · 25/01/2011 20:50

It's weird actually as I am normally quite posative about very serious things but worry about absolute trivial rubbish. Not sure what my point is on that one than I am obvious focusing on the wrong things?

OP posts:

GotArt · 25/01/2011 23:04

I'm thinking its a good thing to think positively about very serious things... I was thinking that worrying about trivial things is some sort of, oh, I don't know... like you think about rubbish things to keep your mind occupied or something so you don't counteract the positive thinking... if that makes any sense. Boy, my mind is occupied, ie: I need some sleep to be a little bit more coherent here.

echt · 26/01/2011 05:22

Gotart are you out of your cotton-picking mind?

Cancer is not about bad attitude.

How do you explain childhood leukaemia - not sharing your toys?

All positive thinking does, IF it does anything, is to enable you to rationalise shit into shinola.

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 26/01/2011 07:37

Gotart, you don't get cancer for dwelling on the negative

He is being very insensitive OP. Not what you want to hear at all and I think it's different with different types of cancer and the treatment people have had IYSWIM.

I have had cancer, thankfully it was treated with surgery and I have considered myself cancer free ever since I was given the all clear after the op.

It's been just over 5 years anyway now...

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