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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think that single parenting has some benefits?

47 replies

NotAlwaysGreener · 25/01/2011 19:20

As a friend once said: "I have THREE NIGHTS OFF. How is that not cool?"

If the father of your children lives with you, they never go anywhere.

OP posts:

Snorbs · 25/01/2011 20:07

It's true that there are some benefits to being a single parent. You get to make decisions without having to justify exactly why you're doing that. You can build up an incredibly close relationship with your children. You get the whole bed to yourself.

But there are a hell of a lot of downsides too. And, for what it's worth, I got more opportunities for nights out when I was still in a relationship than I do now as a single parent.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 25/01/2011 20:08

Completely agree, of all my friends that are single parents (and more are than not,) they would agree with you also. Infact 2 of them have openly said they will not have children with their current very long term partners as they would lose their child free nights!

They also see maintenence as getting paid a 'bonus' (their words not mine!)

PrincessScrumpy · 25/01/2011 20:10

3 nights off and the rest at home alone while the kids are in bed - I'll stick with my loving dh if it's all the same. Really can't see the benefits or the need for 3 nights off - love waking up with dd and putting her to bed at night. dh gives me a night off occasionally or a Saturday lie-in. That's all I need and want.

linziluv · 25/01/2011 20:13

I have the best life TBH...I live in my own little flat 1 mile away from my partner, he has DS 3 nights, I have him 4...I can phone him anytime I feel "in the mood", he can be here in minutes lol!
I get a double bed to myself unless I choose to have him stay over, can watch anything I like on sky...never have to put a toilet seat down lol...it's amazing!
We do love each other but doubt us ever living together!

exexpat · 25/01/2011 20:15

No nights off here (widowed not divorced). No evenings to myself - DS is nearly teenage, I already have trouble getting him to bed before me.

Yep, being a lone parent is great....

MarioandLuigi · 25/01/2011 20:17

What a lovely sweeping statement OP

ariane5 · 25/01/2011 20:17

yes, being a single parent is great so many benefits, im particularly enjoying the sleepless nights looking after 3 unwell children all alone at the moment.

and coming home to an empty house every night is great too

gordyslovesheep · 25/01/2011 20:18

yeh it's such fun - night after night of getting up to which ever one is sick, cold, can;t sleep etc, then going to work exhausted, then comming home (via the shops to get milk/cat food/bread) and doing the house work, ironing washing etc - getting them to bed and trying to find 10 mins to relax - only to do it all again the next 24 hrs

it's a breeze I am so very very lucky!

mamatomany · 25/01/2011 20:21

My friend has the best of both worlds, divorced with joint custody but has new bloke to help out on the 3.5 days she has them, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't jealous sometimes.

sungirltan · 25/01/2011 20:23

i'm not a lone parent but dh is away for weeks at a time. i find it easier to do things by myself and i never get a break but the lack of stress makes up for it. sometimes all it comes down to is just being able to make a decison without having to havea flipping pointless discussion about it. dh is an adoring dad and tries v hard with dd but when he's away we can go for a week without a tear shed - its not the same when he's here and i am always exhausted.

happybubblebrain · 25/01/2011 20:27

YANBU. There are lots of 'benefits' to being a single parent. The main ones being I have one less child man to look after; life is pretty much stress free and I have freedom. I don't have any support or nights off, but I still know what I prefer.

ballstoit · 25/01/2011 20:28

There really is nothing more enjoyable than doing all the childcare, all the housework, all the appointments, all the worrying while still making the DC available for an occasional visit from their Dad.

No, no I forgot, there's not having sex in 2 years and not having the prospect of any either.

GotArt · 25/01/2011 20:37

I'm not a single parent and rarely get a 'time off'... no family near us to help out either, however, I wouldn't wish to be a single parent, that's for sure. I'm thinking the apparent benefits aren't that great... the kids get older eventually so every parent will eventually get time to themselves and I guess, really, I could get a sitter for a night off.

bubbleOseven · 25/01/2011 20:45

If your marriage was all mundane chores and your dh never ever bothered to do anything with the kids then splitting up and your ex having the kids 3 nights a week must be nice, I agree.

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 25/01/2011 21:13

Trillian yes, thank you! You put into words what I have so far failed to - I actually think I may just say to the next person who asks "I decided that I wanted a child but not a partner so I went and got me some sperm from a bank".

Slight tangent here - I would absolutely love another baby, I can't tell you how much. I have genuinely been considering that maybe the sperm-donor option is a possible path, if I've not met somebody by the time I'm a certain age. The reality is, I probably won't, but there is that option out there.

Back to the original post (where are you?) the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side - but go traipsing off over the field and you'll soon realise there are just as many ruts and icky puddles over there as there are on your side.

Life ain't black and white.

And "No, no I forgot, there's not having sex in 2 years and not having the prospect of any either." Sorry, did I write that??

Snorbs · 25/01/2011 21:19

BabyDubs, I too know several single parents - myself included - who describe child maintenance money as a "bonus". But I think we mean it in a different way to the one you imply.

My ex is very unreliable about paying maintenance. I can't budget for it as I can't rely on receiving it. My ex is already £1,000 in arrears with the CSA and misses more payments than are made. I have to budget on what I know I will be receiving. Any money such as maintenance that is over and above what I budget on receiving is therefore a "bonus".

Of course, as my children currently receive the princely sum of £2.50 each per week in maintenance (assuming it's actually paid), it's not that much of a bonus but it's a bonus nonetheless.

curlymama · 25/01/2011 22:33

I was a single parent before DH came along, and I was more than happy with it. But that is because I did have support from my ex, he would often have the children at the weekend, but when I needed him for parents evenings or any other parenting issue he was always there. He still is, and we chat about the dc's on the phone while they are not around quite regularly.

I always thought I was extremely lucky to be in that position though, and I never thought my experience was typical of single parenthood. I wouldn't have liked to have to go it completely alone, but then I wouldn't have wanted to be stuck living with ex forever either!

Maggie1973 · 26/01/2011 17:19

I think it depends on the relationship you had with your ex-partner. I am a single mum and have been so for about 5years. My son stays with his dad 1, sometimes 2 nights a week and that's when i choose to catch up with friends. I must admit i'm happier being by myself because when i was with my ex-partner he was very possessive and didn't like me going anywhere. Probably that was one of the reasons why we're not together anymore. I am definitely happier being a single parent.

KikiJane · 26/01/2011 17:28

YANBU as far as the general title of the thread goes.

My XH has the kids every other weekend, and yeah, it's lovely to get some time to do what I want. But I understand (as I'm sure the OP does, too) that not everyone has that.

There are definitely benefits though. The one set of rules thing, the evenings to yourself thing, the far-less-hassle-all-round thing...

I love it, and am far happier as a single parent than I ever was when I was married. So much so that it scares me that things are getting increasingly serious with my boyfriend because I might conceivably have to give up my single parent status at some point in the future!

KikiJane · 26/01/2011 17:29

linziluv, your situation sounds absolutely ideal. I am serious. I may suggest it...

Mssoul · 26/01/2011 17:34

YANBU

I loved it when it was just me n my girl (who did spend time with her Dad). Now I'm in a couple with a new(ish) addition, I am also loving it

BluddyMoFo · 26/01/2011 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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