Is this 'line' fair or a slight cop out.

[MittzyBittzyTeenyWeeny]

DC's Dad and I have split (18 mnths).

He left with anger management and drinking issues and a deeply troubled relationship with DS now 12.

We have DD(8)

Things have improved with DS although he still storms out of his Dad's and comes home if they argue. I handle things differently to his Dad and even when things get heated DS never storms out. (yet, to be fair)

DD is a mess. Clingy, emotional, tearful, reluctant to leave me, insecure.

Since Christmas they have become increasingly aware that he is drinking fairly regularly. I have had a lot of their feelings to deal with. I have spoken as tactfully as possible to him about the impact on them and he 'spoke' to them.

On both occasions he said they seemed OK with it and he explained he doesn't 'drink like that' anymore.

When I talk about them, and any concerns as I try to involve him as much as possible, he mostly comes out with the fact that it is very difficult for him to really contribute as he doesn't see them as much as me (he sees them 2 x 2hrs in the week and a 24hr/overnight every weekend. It is therefore, he says difficult to know the ins and outs and pick up on the nuances of their lives.

He has 2 older DS's (now 25 and 26) that this didn't seem an issue with. But he says that was then......

This has all bubbled to the surface because two weekends ago he took them to his Mum's and she very pointedly bought him some beer which caused a lot of heartache for my DC's, they are upset because he promised he would stop,, but I know it isn't that simple. He has stated on occasion, that they should be around him to see that he can drink responsibly, although not for a while.

I am getting in a state because school have mentioned doing a CAF (?) form with regards to getting DD some help as they have noted a change in school.

I know she is very confused and stressed about the split. He can be a very lovely Daddy whom she wants home, but is also troubled by the shouting and drinking.
I asked them both (when they raised it) how they felt about talking to Daddy and they both said they didn't really say anything because they didn't want to upset him, or make him sad or angry.

Sorry, a bit long and I have to pick her up fro school, they have rung.

DD is upset because she wants to be a 'family' again. and he keeps telling her that is what he wants.

All that crap and hurt and years of just shit and I feel so bad. As if all I have to say is OK Daddy can come home and it will be all hunky dory. But it wasn't and it won't a and I am fed up.

It's not bloody fair.

Hello. I think part of the problem must be to do with the 'being a family again'. I would say it's important for the DCs to understand that he is not coming back, that you have a new family structure and then you can all set about making that work as well as possible

Sadly, all alcoholics 'can be lovely' when they decide to be. They promise all kinds of things and say that they will reform. It's very confusing dealing with their manipulative, selfish ways as an adult, it's quite distressing for children who's natural instinct is to trust adults. What would worry me most is that they are clearly anxious about upsetting him and getting on his bad side. That's a very stressful position to put young children into, especially when you're not there. Their hearts must be in their little mouths.

I wouldn't be happy with them staying with him. Support your children & allow your ex husband access but don't have him take them away where enablers like his mother bring him beers to drink.

I have put a stop to them going to ExMiLs now.

He is telling them, DD especially, how much he wants to come home, and it so unfair.

It is as if she coped and coped and now it has all hit her.

His things about the relationships suffering because he wants to be here and only sees them for a fraction of what I do makes me angry and want to bring things up that just were so crap.

Because although I don't want the relationship back now it makes me angry that he implies how important everything that he lost is to him, but admits he self medicates his own depression with drinking. But doesn't have a 'problem'.

I know, logically about the denial aspect of drink problems, but it just trips a switch when he says it and I am mute

Thank you Chil... seeing DD sad just tears me apart and I don't know how to explain without being negative or critical of her Dad. IYSWIM.

Because if I say that he chose this path because of the drink, and he gave up, then by implication I would have him back, when in all truth, geographically, I would like to move a very long way away.

Mittzy :( Sorry you are in this position, it's really, really hard to see your kids hearts breaking like this.

In your situation I would talk to him and tell him that he is destroying them by doing what he is doing and that you will not stand by and watch him doing it.

Tell him that he needs to understand that it is over there is no going back - not ever, no matter what and that he needs to be a man and tell his children that he is very sorry that it has worked out this way and that it is better for all of you for it to be like this.

Tell him if he doesn't and if he keeps telling them he wants to come home you will be getting his access reassessed.

Good luck x

Thank you Chipping.

I am just so tired of having to manage it all on top of life and it is making me a bit out of sorts at the moment.

I am scared that DD will grow up and hate me because I didn't 'let' her Dad come home. I talk to DS and he both understands and remembers too much.

It is tiring.

Will you talk to your Ex? He does really need to be the one to talk to her, he's the one making a sad situation so much worse for his Daughter - he needs to be made to see that.

Sorry about DS too - nothing quite like that guilt trip I imagine :(

...and yes, absolutely draining :(
x

I spoke a little last night Chipping. He denies saying anything to add to her confusion. I have to tread very carefully though.
I made a point on Saturday following events the other weekend and after they left on Sunday he became very morose and by Monday texted to say he wasn't going to work because he 'couldn't be bothered to get up'.

He is depressed and I did a thread recently about my DSS2 also ringing to express his concerns about his Dad.

Thanks Chipping, I hope you are well x