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AIBU?

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Original poster

My sons father thinks it is ok to take him to the pub enery Saturday when he only has him for 5 hours a week

25 replies

Rcampbell · 24/01/2011 13:13

My sons father keeps taking him to the pub on a Saturday!!!!! My 5 year old has expressed to myself and his father that he does not want to go but his dads attitude is, you will go where i go when I have you for 5 hours on a Saturday.
Am I being unreasonable but does this stink - should he still go - Should I not make my son go on a Saturday. Please advise.
P.s for additional information his father and i have not been together since I was 12 weeks pregnant.

OP posts:
cuteboots · 24/01/2011 13:24

Just had to say this is one of the reasons my little boys dad didnt see him for over three years. He was never out of the pub and I just felt it was totally wrong. I did explain that he should be doing things with his little boy and not propping up the bar! This didnt go well so we walked away. This was on top of the other disrespectful things going on! If your little boy is also not happy with the situation then you are well within your rights to end it now...

chelstonmum · 24/01/2011 13:26

Words fail me!

Does his dad drink for 5hrs when he is there?
I have a 6yr old and she would not sit still in a child friendly facility for 2hrs, never mind 5hrs, nor should any child have to. If it was me, and I (and my child) had asked him to do something else and he insisted on taking him to the pub regardless I would stop him from taking him out. He is not spending quality time with his son and seems to view this as a chore, instead of the opportunity it really is. What a sad man.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 13:27

i feel for you and your DS. the thing is if it is a family friendly pub then it is no different to a family going every sunday for a few hours and you can't dictate where he goes with his son unless he is actually endangering him. i wouldn't like it but i am not sure if tehre is anything you can do. would your EX be happy to stop seeing your son if your son said he didn't want to go?

coldtits · 24/01/2011 13:27

It stinks.

Shewhoshallnotbenamed · 24/01/2011 13:28

He is BU. Surely he can find something else to do with him? Plus 5 hours in a pub, I'm assuming he's drinking - what state is he in when he drops him home?

He has other opportunities to go to the pub, it's unfair on your son.

Have you spoken to him? I don't see why he bothers having any contact if that's all he'll do. Does he not have parents/relatives who would like to see your son? Are there no parks? Could he not take him fishing or other father/son pursuits? (football/rugby etc)

He sounds a bit childish and it's your son who's having to bear the brunt of this which isn't fair.

My DD's father has had no contact with us since I was 12 weeks pg ish - I'm lucky in that aspect, no crap to take from him!

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 13:28

chelstonmum, i agree it is very sad, but i still don't think OP can dictate where he takes his son or what they do. it is the EX's time to see his son and up to him how he spends it.

GColdtimer · 24/01/2011 13:30

It's utterly crap. Can't he take him to the cinema/park/football/library/soft play or just take him home to play games and read stories. I really wouldn't be happy but more importantly if your son isn't happy I think it needs addressing.

GColdtimer · 24/01/2011 13:31

But if the son is not happy which he has indicated he isn't, then I think she does have a say.

UnquietDad · 24/01/2011 13:33

Is it a family friendly pub, and is there an issue over the distance to his house?

(I only ask because my brother would have to take my niece "out" somewhere on access days when she was little, as he lived 200 miles away and his ex-wife NEVER offered to meet him halfway.)

ChasingSquirrels · 24/01/2011 13:33

I prefer to think of it as "son's time to see his dad" rather than "ex's time to see son".
It is crap.
As to whether you let a 5yo dictate is a difficult choice, my nearly 5yo often doesn't want to go - but I know that he is well looked after, loved, and happy when he is there (at his dad's home, not the pub). If I didn't know that I might well act in a different way.

compo · 24/01/2011 13:35

Is it because he's watching the footie on sky tv in the pub?
Or can he not go an afternoon without drinking?

chelstonmum · 24/01/2011 13:38

I agree that it is her Ex's time Boo, I just worry if her ex is drinking for 5hrs when there who is looking after her son. If they are off to a 'brewster bear' or such like with company for the child, A pint or A glass of wine, lunch and soft play etc then fine. Just from the OP it does not seem that way. Every child is entitled to quality time with their parent, but according to OP the child is not enjoying this.

Lavenderboo · 24/01/2011 13:38

This is really sad. I know people whos dad would rather spend time in the pub than with them when they were growing up. They don't have great relationships with their father now and their father is very regretful.

OP, will it cause major arguments and a huge crisis if you put your foot down and tell your son's dad to do something nice with him?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 13:38

i agree twofalls and i think OP should definitely speak to her EX about it but i don't think she would have any right to stop access based on this. if the son really doesn't want to go and the EX is insistent i would speak to a solicitor about how much say OP has over it.

JintyMcGinty · 24/01/2011 13:39

There are two issues as far as I can see - 1. it's a bloomin' pub for gods sake and licensed premises are a totally unsuitable place to take a 5 year old child for the afternoon (drinks, fights, swearing, lewd stories etc)! and 2. your son's dad is presumably just dumping him in the corner and then ignoring him while he watches the football, so is not interested in stimultaing and engaging with his son, which is so sad.

My dad used to do this. Basically, he was deperately immature and selfish and bored witless doing child centric things (like your ex, OP?). He preferred the comedy chat of his mates down the pub, to childish talk and loved watching any sport on telly in the bar far more than taking us to the zoo for example. Astonishingly, he still thinks there was NOTHING WRONG WITH IT Confused. We, my sister and me, naturally hated it because we were so bored (we didn't realise that taking children to a drinking pub was wrong). We were dumped in a corner with a bag and crisps and a coke (which we were told was "to last the afternoon, so don't go drinking it all at once" Hmm), told to be good and "not bother daddy" while he tucked into god knows how pints. To this day, my dad maintains he did nothing wrong, because "we turned out ok and went to university".

All I can say is don't put up with uit and take a stand. Can you not alter his access arrangements so he is prevented from going to the pub?You need to put a stop to this and suggest

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 13:39

actually you do have a point there chelston. if he is drinking alot he may not be safe to care for the boy but i imagine OP would have mentioned that as her concern.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 13:41

is there anyway of changing the day he has him so that he wont be going to the pub?

Original poster
Rcampbell · 24/01/2011 13:42

He did used to take him for a swim but my son has only just started to tell me that, that was after the pub, so he wasn`t actually drinking for 5 hours. Not sure which is worse as he has to drive to the sports centre.The pub he frequents is not a family pub, it is a working mans pub. No play area, no garden, no soft ball play area.

He goes out every Friday evening,so I am concerned that he is just topping up.

OP posts:
chelstonmum · 24/01/2011 13:44

Does the pub in question have a childrens licence?

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 13:44

if you think he is turning up drunk and driving over the limit then yes you need to stop that.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 24/01/2011 13:46

My ex has bad and enduring memories of this kind of thing...as a kid he wasmade to sit in pubs and pool rooms for hours. He HATEDit and I think if your DS is telling you he is unhappy then you need to stop your ex

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 24/01/2011 13:50

Stopping off at the pub in the course of a day doing something else (trip into town, the park, swimming) would be completely fine. Obviously depends on the pub - which wouldn't have to be "family friendly" as most people seem to understand it to be OK with me.

But for 5 hours? No, that's not OK at all. Poor lad must be bored to tears.

YANBU.

BunnyWunny · 24/01/2011 13:52

Many pubs are perfectly respectable and not full of swearing, fighting lewd story telling drunks as some of you seem to make out.

We often take our 5 year old dd to the local for a drink on Sunday afternoon. She has a perfectly lovely time drinking orange juice, eating crisps, colouring and chatting with us as a family. (not for 5 hours though)

However 5 hours is a long time to be in a pub, and if this was the only time spent with his father each week then it seems a bit of a shame they can't do anything more varied together.

Maybe this is better than nothing at all though?

GloriaSmut · 24/01/2011 13:53

There's a difference between a lunchtime visit to a family friendly pub (something we did with our dcs from time to time) and 5 hours just spent watching adults drink but I don't think small children tend to like too much time spent in any sort of pub. Even the best of them have the potential to be boring after a while.

If your child really doesn't want to go to the pub, has told his father but has been ignored than you need to speak up on his behalf. But it would be useful to discover what this pub visiting actually amounts to before going down the no visiting route.

Foreverondiet · 24/01/2011 14:32

Ok if they are having a pub lunch after swimming. Not ok if his dad is watching TV/drinking and ignoring your son and they are there for 5 hours.

I think you need to establish what it is, and if it is as you suspect say something along the lines of that the time is for your DS to see his Dad, and that unless they are doing something age appropriate for your DS then he's not going to see him each week.

If he's drinking then I think you need to ask more questions as drinking whilst being responsible for a 5 YO is totally unacceptible.

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