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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect my kids to play together?

20 replies

mtw · 24/01/2011 13:10

My son is 8 and my daughter is 4, and he never plays with her, not even for a few minutes, i was wondering what i could do to encourage this, she is very easy going and would do anything with him, even colour, read, etc but he is not interested. Is it unreasonable to expect them to play, after school?

OP posts:
2rebecca · 24/01/2011 13:21

Yes, he's her brother not her childminder. I presume he has his own stuff to get on with. It would be nice if he wanted to play with her, but if he's been at school all day he probably wants some free time to have fun. Trying to make him play with her will just cause resentment. When he was 4 he didn't have an older sibling playing with him and managed. I think oldest siblings can get a rough deal sometimes re being expected to entertain and look after younger sibs.
COI - I am the eldest of 3.

kingprawntikka · 24/01/2011 13:26

Agree with 2rebecca, He doesn't want to play with her and will resent her if you force him to.

crazygracieuk · 24/01/2011 13:27

As long as he doesn't argue/fight with her all of the time then yabu.

Deliaskis · 24/01/2011 13:31

I think the difference between what children will want to do at 8 and 4 will be massive, especially between a boy and a girl, so I think YAB a bit U. My sister and I (so both girls, age gap of 3 yrs) didn't play together that much on a daily basis as again we were quite different in terms of what we would want to do.

IME the ones who play together are more likely to be very close in age, and the same gender (although this is less a factor than age IMO).

D

walesblackbird · 24/01/2011 13:32

I'm 4 years older than my sister and used to hate it when my mother tried to make me play with her!

There are 4.5 years between my three children and occasionally my eldest (9) will play with his 5 year old sister, but very rarely. Occasionally they will play together on the Wii but it's certainly not something I try to force on either of them.

My two boys (3 years apart) do play with each other quite often, but that's because they both like the same things.

mrsruffallo · 24/01/2011 13:32

I think you should ask him to read with her, or you can play with them both for half an hour to encourage imaginative play.
I don't agree with the other posters, I think you should encourage them to play together,it builds a bond between them.

mrsruffallo · 24/01/2011 13:35

Well, I have a 4 yr old and 7 yr old,different sexes and they play together a lot. My DH is great at playing hide and seek or making up challenges where they work together though.
They also do shows and dance competitions, and although they do argue at times I love the fact that they enjoy each others company..

Original poster
mtw · 24/01/2011 13:47

The fact that my son ( 8 ) doesnt get any enjoyment with playing with his little sister ( 4 ) gets me down more than it should. You are right he is NOT a child minder and he has been at school ALL day. I get this, but sometimes, it would be nice to see a little bond growing, but nothing , it makes me sad. Him more so, he does not seem to enjoy her, and as I said - she is very easy to do just about anything with - i feel
if he would just let himself enjoy her he would get something out of it too....

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 24/01/2011 13:56

mtw- I understand. I think even 20 minute play time together can build a bond. It sounds like you need to lead the way initially. You could be a monster and chase them both, or play hide and seek. or a role playing game could be fun

containher · 24/01/2011 14:08

It is sad if siblings dont seem to get on. My son only plays with his sisters if it involves some sort of chasing, physical game- the only time they play together is when I send them upstairs and they leap off the bunk beds and make dens and make a general mess and a LOT of noise.I have to turn a blind eye to this as I really want them to play together and if that's the only time they do, then I have to relax my rules. OS maybe like MRS Gruffalo said- help organise a game to begin with . My son likes treasure hunt games, so I send him off with choclate coins to hide and then a game ensues as he doesn't have the imagination himself to organise a game.

daytoday · 24/01/2011 14:11

I have an 8 year old boy and 4 year old DD too. They play together - and argue.

I think it comes down to what your DS likes to play. What does he do after school?

Mine play a lot of chase games, play pet shop games, play with toys. DS however, is a boy that LOVES playing with toy - I'm quite aware that many of his friends aren't like that. I'm sure if he were more into reading that would be harder.

I suppose the trick for you is not to force them to play - but to find an activity they both enjoy.

Just cause you can't see a bond doesn't mean there isn't one.

Also, sometimes my kids really do NOT GET ON - which is fine but a total headache.

2rebecca · 24/01/2011 14:13

There were 3 of us and we used to fight more than play nicely together when younger, and were frequently sent to our separate rooms so our parents could get some peace, although when older my brother and sister who have just 1 year between them chose to play together more and had alot of joint friends. Now as adults we all get along very well and enjoy being together, so I don't think not wanting to play with a younger sib when aged 8 means anything much.

JBellingham · 24/01/2011 14:14

If he doesn't want to play with her why should he? Same if she didn't want to play with him. Siblings often annoy/ignore each other.

petitdonkey · 24/01/2011 14:14

I agree with the comments that you will have to facilitate the play. DS built tents out of the sofa cushions all weekend and his sisters joined in and loved it - it was so nice seeing them all playing together but it wouldn't happen when he is on the wii or computer. I also find that mine play when we go out somewhere - beach or park etc. It seems that your sister is okay to play with if there is no better option!!

BadRoly · 24/01/2011 14:18

Mine either play beautifully or fight tooth and nail. Ours is a funny set up in that dd1 (9) and ds2 (20mths) pair off together while ds1 (7) and dd2 (4) pair off.

But mostly they fight and squabble...

Greeninkmama · 24/01/2011 14:25

I think that is a biggish age gap, plus you have the gender difference. You may find they connect more once DD goes to school. My DSS (12) and DD (6) get on really well now that she is full-time at school - when she was four he had no interest in playing with her.

mrsruffallo · 24/01/2011 14:30

It would be important to me to at least try to build a playful relationship- I want them to be close and to enjoy each others company

mrsruffallo · 24/01/2011 14:33

Treasure hunts are a fab idea- mu children love them. I also do a mystery trail- where they find clues that have age appropriate challenges for them

Original poster
mtw · 24/01/2011 17:23

Thank you for all the posts. Yes, I think I have to facilitate the play - at least at first,which I am not doing.

My son doesn't play with toys at all. DAYTODAY - my son will never pick up a toy!

My friends' son loves legos and will happily spend an hour at the table tinkering away - my son has never done anything like that - even when he was younger. He doesn't like to read - so as I said he just likes to jump around!!! In fact I posted on here a while ago about just what he likes to do after school - jump about and imagine he is a football player.

Alot of you said the only time your kids play together is when they are doing something physical, jumping off beds etc.....well the same here - but within 1 minute someone is crying. ( I have a 2 yr old also )

The funny thing is the 2 yr old is a boy and my 8 yr old adores him, i wouldn't say they play together but there is definatley a boy / boy bond thing going on .

OP posts:
Original poster
mtw · 24/01/2011 21:22

bump

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