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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to move to this much better house?

24 replies

lizzie1977 · 24/01/2011 00:38

The house is much nicer than our current rental. However, there are 22 steps up to the property from the carpad. I've got a very wilful 2 year old and an 8 week old baby and will be a SAHM for most, if not all, of the proposed 12m lease. I recently agitated an old back injury and have been in physio the last month. I keep irritating the nerve in a more minor fashion just through lifting toddler etc. I feel weak and like I need to strengthen my back and I'm worried the continual up and down steps will have an adverse effect on my recovery.

DH adores the property. He is gutted I've turned down the opportunity for sea views and a more modern place.

I am usually very sure of my opinions but this time I've really struggled to make a decision either way. The anxiety I can't shake was the reason I changed my mind (again) and said no.

Feeling really quite like maybe I've BU??

OP posts:

mutznutz · 24/01/2011 00:44

Oh only you can answer that really..what a shame for you though

I wonder if the fear and dread of it all would be worse than actually climbing the stairs though?

Is there any way you could have a few practise runs? Get toddler reins until your child is used to the new arrangement?

If not, then no you're not being unreasonable.

werewolf · 24/01/2011 00:52

Could you ask your physiotherapist whether the steps would hinder or help your back problem?

Original poster

lizzie1977 · 24/01/2011 01:11

Yes, I thought I could speak to physio about it all...

Potentially, it is the worry (as you say, MN) rather than the reality. Because I'm a natural born worrier, it eats me up inside (completely disproportionately...)

So my anxiety is objectively unreasonable, I suppose. But that's not something that is easy to just 'drop' so to speak!

Thanks...will keep mulling over...someone else probably has got it by now. I've offered to buy DH a Tshirt when we go shopping later....cheap Tshirt versus great pad...hmm!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

lizzie1977 · 24/01/2011 01:15

Also what played on my mind was that DD2 willbe an awful lot heavier in 3/6/9/12 months time & they're not manageable for a new walker so much heavier lifting then.

I looked into baby backpacks etc but a lot of gagging every time you want to go out....I'm just starting to enjoy being a SAHM and meeting new people so don't want an excuse to be a hermit!

Anyways, I'm rambling :)

OP posts:

Blackletterday · 24/01/2011 01:16

Yanbu, would you not have to lug buggies/car seats up the stairs too? Seems like an extra faff you don't need, what if your back got worse? You may feel trapped a little, there will be other houses your oh will just have to suck it up.

Original poster

lizzie1977 · 24/01/2011 01:17

Meant to say faffing, not gagging.

OP posts:

Hatesponge · 24/01/2011 01:46

YANBU

My house is up 8 steps. I first moved here when Ds2 was a baby (he is now 9!) and it was a complete pain, tbh with buggy, child etc - and that was a lot less steps than you would have. 22 steps I would have been tearing my hair out :)

I'd look for something else without all the steps...am sure you will find an equally nice house!

onmyfeet · 24/01/2011 04:13

I have found stairs are something we definitely do not want in our home. (someday when we move, for now I am stuck with stairs).
Sometimes (most of the time) they ate no problem for me, sometimes I cannot manage them without help.
Imagine how icy they will be, and having to clear them off each morning? Plus the lugging of buggy, bags of groceries, while carrying a baby/ The child who walks could go up them on their own, well supervised of course. But then again, those times they fall asleep in car. buggy, they would need to be carried.
The landlord may find a lot of people are put off by these stairs, perhaps you can talk with him, and see if he is willing to make an easier access route to the house.
If the landlord of that house was willing to have a ramp built for you, would you take it?

HollyBollyBooBoo · 24/01/2011 04:24

YANBU

Seriously that is madness to consider living there, just not practical at all. Think of that period of time when your baby is too small to walk but really heavy to carry, it's an absolute accident waiting to happen.

Also do you really want to face moving with an 8 week old baby? I speak from experience, I moved with a 3.5 week old - S.T.R.E.S.S!!!

ilovemountains · 24/01/2011 06:57

We have 16 steps to our front door, you do get used to it! I have a baby and a 3 year old. I do online shopping for the big shops though so someone else has to lug it all up.

diddl · 24/01/2011 07:00

If it was a "forever" house I might say consider it.

If it is def only for 12months I would say no-unless you could put a ramp there-& that might still be too much strain.

onceamai · 24/01/2011 07:18

YANBU - I have a bad back too and this would have been a no go area for me. Unload the car with 20 bags from Tescos .. and the next step! In a different market maybe YABU but it's not as though there isn't much rental property about at the moment. It won't be you DH who's lugging everything up and down either.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 24/01/2011 08:03

YANBU ...I lived in a house with stairs, a baby and a bad back and it was horrendous.

DH doesnt realise.

MommyMayhem · 24/01/2011 08:17

I have a bad back and there is no way I would consider a house with steps. I definitely think YANBU. It's a shame, but it's just not worth it.

plupervert · 24/01/2011 09:21

We left a first floor flat when DS was 9 months old, and I can't tell you how relieved I was! WE had bought the lightest, foldiest buggy we could find, yet it was still a multi-part exercise, getting up and down the stairs. This was before he could crawl, as well, so I was spared stairgates and/or the constant threat of his falling downstairs.

Stairs are not to be underestimated as a cause of hassle. I think you are being very sensible to worry about this. Sorry your DH is in love with the place, but needs (for both you and your children) are more important than desires. BTW, the children's needs include your toddler's need not to have her temper tested several times a day (when you are tired, it's hard to not have a tantrum, and it's unfair to put a child in that position day after day).

Original poster

lizzie1977 · 25/01/2011 00:23

Thank you for all the replies.

We were 'chosen' as the tenants but we turned it down today.

DH has put it in the past so no dramas - very mature. He did have his heart set on it but there will be others.

We are in New Zealand and where we live, steps are common. People with young kids want flat / drive on access so it's at a premium and costs...but for good reason, I think.

I feel really relieved and back to my normal self. It wasn't right for me or the kids and am glad DH (even if he doesn't really realise why) has dropped it from discussion.

Hopefully will report back that we've found something equally beautiful but with flat access! We may have the option of renewing here for another 12 months which would be fine too.

Thank you again for the varied, kind and considered responses. Much appreciated as neither DH or my mum wanted to discuss it and I needed a wee outlet so cheers!

OP posts:

nomoreheels · 25/01/2011 06:56

?? Glad to hear you're not moving there as it didn't sound right for you, but as to why your DH didn't want to discuss it. Surely serious back injury & practicalities of children/access is important?

Original poster

lizzie1977 · 25/01/2011 08:17

Yeah, I was a bit narked but to be fair to him, I was being quite flaky and changing my mind a lot. To the extent, I said yes and he contacted the landlords to express our intent...then I backed out...

He said we were going round in circles which we were, so think I tested his tolerance past its limit this time.

OP posts:

nomoreheels · 25/01/2011 10:06

OK, fair enough if he's a bit fed up, but - OTOH you were probably dithering because you could tell he loved it and you wanted to try to accommodate him.

I guess from here on in, it's best to say that there's no point in considering lovely houses that have lots of steps. You'll just hit this situation again.

I'm a little surprised that he wanted to go for it despite knowing about your back, however! Back pain is no joke, but especially with young DC.

Original poster

lizzie1977 · 26/01/2011 23:02

Yes, it definitely caused some tension but we've swept it under the carpet......!

OP posts:

QuintessentialShadows · 26/01/2011 23:10

so, 22 steps, that is less than the average 30 steps between floors in a house?

My questions are:

Are you currently in a house with steps.
Are there any more steps in the new house?
Does the new house have an alternative (longer) route without steps?

The pelvis will not exactly like steps, but if there are no internal steps in your new house, and you have steps in your current house, then I would go for the new property.

BeatRoute · 27/01/2011 00:30

Quint - average 30 steps between floors?! That would be one mega-flight of stairs! I think all the houses I have lived in have had 13 steps between the floors, so 22 is plenty extra.

kiwilizzie · 27/01/2011 01:12

Our current rental has no steps and is a one storied place (call it a bungalow in UK)

We have turned down the new place but interestingly now, our landlord here has said she plans to sell the property! Our lease is up this coming month so it was always on the cards but I know DH will be thinking that we should have taken that place and I will be the awful mother who potentially made her family homeless!!

Not that I really think that but I do feel just a touch nervous as there is a massive under-supply of rentals here

No, really, I am sure we will find something suitable, it's just that the pressure really is on now.

kiwilizzie · 27/01/2011 01:13

I changed my username, this is the same person who started this thread!

(DD1 has just started nursery one day a week and I clearly have too much time, all of a sudden!)

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