Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say i dont want to hear about it?

36 replies

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:43

when my mum starts talking about her family?

something happened on friday that has meant lots of toing and froing between my mum and her siblings. actually, it is a pretty fucking tragic thing that has happened and it makes me angry that in the midst of it they still find time to bitch about each other. anyway, mum was talking about it at dinner tonight and started bitching and i tried to explain to her how immature it all sounded but i have realised tehre is no point, that is how tehy are as a family and they always will be. would i be being UR to tell her in future that i don't want to hear any bitching about her family or any "he said she said" or should i just shut my mouth and let her carry on as it is her family so she can bitch all she wants?

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 23/01/2011 23:46

yanbu. its my fav retort to dd when she is banging on about some unjust crap, normaly being put on the stairs for being a little pest and pushing it.

put your mum on the naughty step.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:47

i missed the part where you said you do this to your DD and thought you were talking about your mum being put on the stairs for beinga pest!! Grin

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 23/01/2011 23:48

but on a serious not tell your mum life is too short and she will be sorry when they have all gone.

i have realised the hard way that family is taken for granted and when this tradgedy is ripping them apart, they will only have them selfs to blame.

tomhardyismydh · 23/01/2011 23:50

ha ha. yes put mum on the naughty step i say. Grin

hobbgoblin · 23/01/2011 23:50

I think I'd say I couldn't bear to listen to all the unnecessary negativity about others, but am happy to be a listening ear for the other stuff.

My mother is very critical of others and used to comment on passers by when we went out when I was a teenager. I said "mum why do you have to be so horrible about everyone?" She looked aghast and I think it damaged our relationship a little so not sure I'm the best advisor.#

Is very draining, I feel for you.

Quattrocento · 23/01/2011 23:50

Oh for goodness' sake

Just how dull are you?

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:51

the thing is, she wont be sorry when they are gone. she will cry, and be upset but i gurantee that she will be sitting bitching about them while eating her sandwich in whatever house has put the food on after the funeral. this latest thing has proven that.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:52

sorry quattro, moderator of AIBU. i forgot i had to get your go ahead before posting.

er, i mean, sod off.

OP posts:
hobbgoblin · 23/01/2011 23:53

Quattro?

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:54

yes hob, that is it. it is very draining and i find it puts me in bad form to be hearing and viewing everything in a negative light.

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 23/01/2011 23:54

Confused @ Quatt.

another good retort you could take heed to "if you havent got anything nice to say, dont say anything at all"

to Quatt and ops mum

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:55

just to clarify, i have no problem being there to listen when she is stressed and venting but when it is just pointless bitching to make her feel better about being ... i don't know...just not being that person, then i can't listen.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:56

good retort tomhardy.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 23/01/2011 23:58

ah, i see quattro is doing this on other threads. i was right not to take that personally. going for a record quattro?

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 24/01/2011 00:00

tell her out right if she does not listen smile knowingly and bite your tongue, every time you dont want to be as conteptious as her and rest of family.

set agenda for a new tnhinking. my mum and her family where like this only 2 out of 5 remain and they are bitter.

unfortunatly mum is no longer here but my siblings and I would never behave as they did we were very young when we lost our mum and as children we could see that for our selfs and promised eachother we would never behave as the adutls in our family did when they should have been supporting us.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 00:03

yes bitter is the word. i keep finding myself thinking " what is wrong with saying something nice???"

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 24/01/2011 00:05

yes just dont get caught up in it, let them get on with. unfortunaltly bitterness is deepset.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 00:08

it really is. she doesn't see it as bitter at all. she considers what she says as fact. i am going to have to inform her that i will not be listening and just ignore if she continues.

OP posts:
humanheart · 24/01/2011 09:09

eurgh, know what you mean. it makes me feel very uncomfortable - sort of unseemly? recently sat at a dinner table having to listen to a story, which dominated the meal, in which one family member was constantly bitched about and sneered at. i wasn't in a position to say anything (not my family) but hated hearing it going on and on - made me feel ill. it's a bad habit imo and sooo bad for all concerned. don't know what you're going to do about your mum though - maybe say that this is a bad habit and you find it very unpleasant? plus what you've already said: that you don't mind supporting her if she legitimately complains but you don't want to listen to endless bitching.

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 11:49

yes humanheart. it is a nasty habit. i think what really annoyed me yesterday was that one of the people my mum started to give her opinion of, is someone she has never met, is currently on the other side of the world and her only crime was to contact my family when this thing happened to let them know that things were better than we all thought they were. apparently this makes her a jumped up little madam, she was stupid, she's not family, who is she to be contacting our family? blah blah blah. and i did say "oh for goodness sake mum, this poor girl is being judged from the other side of the world for doing something that she thought would help." but it didn't help. mum still insists she is all those things, despite hearing all thsi stuff about her, second hand from her siblings.

OP posts:
melezka · 24/01/2011 12:00

It's hard when you bear the brunt alone boo. I miss my mother every day but my god she could get evil when she was in her cups, particularly at things like family dinners. My sister and I eventually took to looking across the table and doing impersonations such as "I'll get you my pretty, and your little dog too"...
I'm not sure to this day if our (admittedly mean and childish) behaviour made her less nasty or if we had just found a way of dealing with it.
Clearly, I'm not the one with good advice...(though I have sometimes found saying the same thing in my head helps a bit)

Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 12:04

melezeka that made me laugh!! Grin but yes i think you are right. when my sister was here we would roll our eyes together and i think it is very telling that since she has been gone i am noticing just how bad my mum is. (and my dad because he sees her bitching as the go ahead for him to bitch more).

i think i shall practise taking my mind off to a faraway place when she starts!

OP posts:
Original poster
ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 24/01/2011 12:07

that made it sound like my sister has died. she hasn't. she is away travelling.

OP posts:
melezka · 24/01/2011 12:07

wear red shoes and tap them together...

Kirk1 · 24/01/2011 12:13

Try tuning her out/talking to someone else about something positive, then if she asks you why you weren't listening say "I'll listen when you have something worthwhile to say"

It's what I do to my DC, it's amazing how little negativity ends up being spouted unless it's about something that's really a problem!