to not want to move?

6 replies

maseface · 23/01/2011 21:43

DH has been offered his dream job - only problem is that it's in England. We're both from the UK but we moved to America a few years ago. We have a one-year-old DD.

DH's job is demanding but he's very passionate about it. Last week his boss offered him the UK post and he said yes without even consulting me. It's been his dream job since he was quite young.

But I really don't want to go. I have my own career that I would have to give up if we moved, I like the life we have here. I told him this and he was mad, saying that I was trying to hold him back. We've hardly spoken all week.

Ah, how do I fix this? Do I go just to keep him happy? Was I wrong to tell him I don't wanna go?

OP posts:

PaisleyLeaf · 23/01/2011 21:45

I don't know.
Is there any chance of the opportunity arising in the States at a later date?

Firawla · 23/01/2011 21:46

oh that is a really difficult situation. tbh he was out of order to accept it without discussing it first. how can you just keep quiet of your feelings and accept it will saying nothing? you have to tell him how you feel, even if you do end up going he should know that its a sacrifice for you and know the way you feel. it should be a joint decision.
really feel for you op, hopefully you can have a heart to heart with your dh and sort it out.

rubyslippers · 23/01/2011 21:46

He was wrong to accept the job without consulting you

Did he think ou would just capitulate?

Hard one really - you need to talk

bubblewrapped · 23/01/2011 21:53

Difficult one.

It is very hard to get into the USA, and getting back there if you find the UK isnt how you remembered it, may not be too easy.

Your husband has to realise it isnt all about him now and he has your wishes to consider, as well as the future of his family.

I have to say, I would be very very reluctant to move back to the UK.

Has he thought through the whole picture of what being back here would mean? and if he doesnt like it, will it be possible to go back to the USA.

GingaNinja · 23/01/2011 21:57

God I'm sorry, I don't have an answer I'm afraid. I'd suspect that the issue isn't that you're trying to hold him back but that you object to his lack of consideration - a point he has missed. I was in a vaguely similar position 16 months ago when DH accepted work away from home (albeit in the same country, just not a commutable distance) without consulting me. I was told as he was packing his bag for the next day. When I objected I was told I was over-reacting. He was supposed to be working away for 8 weeks (back at weekends). Almost 9 months later....

It really pissed me off then and still does. Frankly the resentment has had a poisonous effect on our relationship; you certainly were not wrong to tell him you don't want to go. I'd imagine that even if you DO move with him it will piss you off too. Having been on the receiving end of such a unilateral decision it felt to me like a complete lack of respect, care, consideration and thought for your other half whom they, at least theoretically, love and want to try to make happy. (Yeah, I know, incurable romantic.)

Financial realities I presume will push your decision in part. But try and get through to him that he has no right to make such a monumental decision for all 3 of you. He's not single without ties any more; you're a team. How would he have reacted to your making a similar decision involving an international move?

Good luck with making your own decision...

musicmadness · 23/01/2011 22:30

You need to talk to each other. I'm looking at this from the other side a little bit but I've recently found out I can't do something I've wanted to do for years - ever. Its absolutely soul destroying. If your DH has wanted this since he was a kid I can understand him jumping at the chance. Thats not to say what he did was right, because this obviously needs to be a joint decision, but I can understand why he said yes without thinking I guess.
You need to sit down and have and have a long talk about it.

Flip