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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell him to grow some balls?

23 replies

lastresort · 23/01/2011 19:24

Had big fallout with bro today and told him to wake up and smell the coffee.

Basically I and other family members think she is taking the piss bigtime and my bro just refuses to accept this. After being divorced for 10 years, when she pissed off with OM and took the kids, they both agreed that bro would contribute to kids by buying them whatever they needed. This worked out well until last year. Suddenly CSA have become involved and are taking great chunks out of his meagre wages.

He is still buying the kids whatever they need, ie, £60 trainers and i pods AND paying a great whack to CSA.

He is basically having to borrow money off family members just to pay his mortgage and electric, etc. He has to walk to work every day while she swans round in a new car.

But he refuses to believe that she set CSA onto him. Got so pissed off with him today when his 16 year old told him he 'needed' a moped to get to school on, I just lost it and told bro that he was letting her shit all over him. Also told him that I would not lend him any more money until he sorted this out with the money grabbing witch.

Feel bad now, but think I was right to tell it to him straight, was I?

OP posts:

Boobalina · 23/01/2011 19:27

yabu - its none of your business - its between him and his ex. They are his children and if he chooses to go short so they have some fancy thing - then thats his choice.

gordyslovesheep · 23/01/2011 19:28

pjmama · 23/01/2011 19:30

You are within your rights to refuse to lend him money, but beyond that it's really his business.

midori1999 · 23/01/2011 19:31

Even if she did 'set' the CSA on him, they will only take a reasonable amount of maintenance. What he chooses to pay on top of that is optional and his business.

Boobalina · 23/01/2011 19:36

         <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Biscuit" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/biscuit-Bb72xcrJ.png">

oldraver · 23/01/2011 19:36

The CSA will not take 'great chunks of money@ (unless he has been avoiding them and is paying back pay) they will take 15% for one child 25% for two. This is considered the MINMUM contribution toward his DC's upkeep. He could of course refuse to buy/give anymore

Boobalina · 23/01/2011 19:37

dammit - it was supposed to be smiley face made out of biscuits

Pan · 23/01/2011 19:37

no, I'm with sis. I think it's called caring for your bro. Wouldn't do the 'grow some' line though. Would want to know why he is doing this.

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 19:37

It does affect me and other family members actually, as we are all running round trying to help him, ie, lending him money, taking him to work, cooking meals so the kids have something to eat at weekends, doing his washing as he has no washing machine after it broke down and died. All these things are his business, but we would have to be pretty hard faced not to want to help, surely?

OP posts:

mutznutz · 23/01/2011 19:38

Perhaps she was pissed off with him buying trainers and I-Pods and playing the eternal Father Christimas whilst she had to pay for food, gas, electic, water...and all those other mundane things that kids take for granted?

I think regular payments of money is what a parent needs more than I-Pods for example.

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 19:41

Pan, he is doing this because he seems to have got it into his head that if he doesn't bend over backwards every time she demands something from him, she will stop him seeing kids.
Have tried to tell him this will not happen, but he won't listen.

OP posts:

Pan · 23/01/2011 19:46

sounds like at least one of them can make his own mind up about that sort of thing.

Guilt? Not knowing his 'rights'? Difficult to tell dcs that he can no longer afford to pay maintenance AND other stuff. Bit of a 'male provider' of things issue? He'll be a lot less use if he makes himself miserable and possibly bitter.

Boobalina · 23/01/2011 19:46

erm.... why cant your brother sort out his own finances, make his own way to work, cook his own meals, go to the laundrette? I'm right in thinking he is a grown man and not a child?

So if you all treat him like a giant baby - why then tell him to 'grow some balls'?

I'm a lone parent and I dont have anyone doing this for me? I can do it all myself thank you very much (and that includes mowing the feckin lawn and doing the bins)

Pan · 23/01/2011 19:47

mutz - sounds like ex- is hoping for regualr stuff AND bells and whistles.

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 19:48

mutz, when they split she was the one who said to him ' you pay for their clothes and stuff',it was her idea cos his business was going under and she knew once he was unemployed, she'd get nothing.

By the way, he does not just buy 'fun stuff'. He pays for them and their mother and OM to go on hols every year, all school clothes, they leave their house every morning and go to bro's house for breakfast before school, he pays for season tickets for them all to go to football, he gives them pocket money every week, he gives them money to go shopping, basically she gets a hell of a lot more out of him than she would have done if she had taken him to court when they originally split.

Even though he does have a job now, he only earlns minimum wage.
Guess the CSA don't take into consideration his arrangment with ex, do they?

OP posts:

DuelingFanjo · 23/01/2011 19:54

why is he paying twice?
Surely the sensible thing to do would be for him to pay what the CSA say and stop spending money he doesn't have on extra stuff? The sensible thing for you and your family to do would be to stop giving him money.

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 19:58

THAT is why I had a go at him.

He is paying twice and it almost seems like he is scared of her. He really thinks that she can stop the boys seeing him, even though they are now 14 and 16.

We have all tried to get him to see that he is being shafted big time, but he just won't have it. That is why I told him to grow some balls!

OP posts:

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 20:01

The thing that makes me really mad is that my mum is worried sick about him. He lives in a dump cos he can't aford to do it up to anything resembling liveable, he works 14 hour shifts then walks home in the middle of the night along unlit country roads. She is making herself ill worrying about him, so that makes me angry at him for being such a twat re ex.

OP posts:

Pan · 23/01/2011 20:02

Well, tell him I told him to grow some then!.

You can see how perhaps he could get into this way of thinking, but from the sounds of it she has little leverage otehr than knowing how to exploit a situation.

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 20:04

So basically, IWNBU to tell him...thankyou!

OP posts:

Pan · 23/01/2011 20:08

Nope. But he prob. needs telling it in big red flashing letters. And by someone else as well preferably.

Original poster

lastresort · 23/01/2011 20:14

Any chance that ANYFUCKER could go round and tell it to him straight?

OP posts:

Pan · 23/01/2011 20:15

AF is scared of me.

Whoops!

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