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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be feeling guilty :(

16 replies

bumparoo · 23/01/2011 18:58

so long story short im due 22nd of may...my sister was due 20th may with twins 1passed at 15weeks and today 23weeks the other one passed...i dont kno how to react, i feel guilty because my baby is healthy and on track.i feel obviously i dont wish it was me but i do wish i cud take the pain away cos i kno she is breaking inside, nobody seems to want me near her but i just wanna give her a cuddle an promise things will be ok...easy for me 2 say, what do i do when my baby is born so not to hurt her more :(

OP posts:
outnumbered2to1 · 23/01/2011 19:02

oh god i am so sorry for your sister's loss and also the affect its having on you.... i really really wish i had some words of wisdom for you that would make it better but i don't. so can i just send you a big massive hug....?

Original poster
bumparoo · 23/01/2011 19:06

big hug accepted very gratefully....:)

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 23/01/2011 19:07

Sorry about your family's loss but has she requested that it is too painful to see you? If she has you need to respect her wishes, but if the family are stopping you on their own judgement then that would be a little bit out of order to me.

Perhaps your dh can pass on your condolences and see how she is?

DitaVonCheese · 23/01/2011 19:08

I am so sorry :( I'm sure there will be other parents on here who have been through similar and will be able to give you some good advice.

You have no reason to feel guilty though and I'm fairly sure that she wouldn't want you to be feeling that way.

taintedpaint · 23/01/2011 19:09

I'm so sorry for both you and your sister. :(

I don't think there's an easy way to get through a time like this. As sad and hard as it may be, you might have to accept that your sister might withdraw from you a little bit for a while. I know it sounds awful, and may go against every instinct you have, but you may not be able to be there for her the way you would like at the moment.

I think if I was you, I would probably write her a heartfelt letter and let her come to you when she is ready.

Very difficult situation. :(

mommmmyof2 · 23/01/2011 19:12

Sorry to hear for your sisters loss, and it must be awful for her, but all you can do is be there for her.
You cannot feel guilty for your baby being healthy and ok as it is not your fault, and she will no this.

Of course this is going to be an upsetting time for her but you are her sister, and until she says it is too hard too see you then I would be there for her.She may want you to be there.

prettyfly1 · 23/01/2011 19:13

Oh I am so sorry for both your sisters loss and the situation you are in. Could you perhaps text her to say you dont want to get in her space under the circumstances but you love her with all your heart and if and when she is ready you will be there in a heartbeat and if there is anything you can do practically?

I hope you get this resolved. My heart goes out to you both. God, MN is sad today.

brightlightsandpromises · 23/01/2011 19:14

oh how very sad for you all :( There is no right and wrong at a time like this. Take your lead from your sister - but make sure she knows you are there for her, be awful for her to think you were avoiding, you never know, she may get some comfort from your baby?

bubblewrapped · 23/01/2011 19:19

I think a letter would be better than a text. I definately think you should put something in writing, as her head will be all over the place at the moment, and whatever you do there is a chance she may take it the wrong way but with a letter she has got that to keep and read once she is feeling a bit less emotional.

PrincessScrumpy · 23/01/2011 19:24

People often try to be protective and may think your sister doesn't want you there, but that may not be the case. Let her know you are there if she does want you (and say you want to be there) but also say you understand if it's too hard for her to be round you at the moment. Just give it time and let her know you're not ignoring her.

Gillybobs · 23/01/2011 19:26

When I was 8 months pregnant with DS1 a friend had her DD who died within a week from a heart condition. It was horrendously sad and I couldnt go to the funeral as I was terrified I would distress them. There is no easy answer but I would write your sis a loving card expressing your love and support for her and maybe letting her know you will take her lead when your baby arrives.

mommmmyof2 · 23/01/2011 19:34

I do remember with ds I was roughly 5 months pregnant and one of the mom's at the school was also pregnant but had lost the baby :(

I remember coming home when her dp told me and crying, I felt so bad.I was scared to see her tbh as I didn't no what to say to her.But I can't imagine how hard it must be for you as it is your sister.

GORGEOUSX · 23/01/2011 19:37

Oh!How dreadfully sad. Although people think they're doing the right thing in keeping you at arms length from her, I'm sure that's not the right way to go.

Right now she needs you; she needs her sister more than anyone else, I would have thought. I'm sure she won't be more upset by your presence due to your pregnancy. Go and give her a big cuddle and both have a bloody good cry and keep doing it for as long as it's needed.

When your DC is born I'm sure your DS will be in great need of cuddling it, and I'm sure you will give her great support and comfort in allowing her to cuddle and help care for your baby.

Rosebud05 · 23/01/2011 19:43

This is such a tragic situation, OP, and it must be unbearably painful for you and, of course, even more so your sister.

TBH, I don't think AIBU is the best place to be posting. Maybe bereavement?

Take care.

Original poster
bumparoo · 23/01/2011 19:47

thank u all so much for ur kind comments...she hasnt asked me not to be there herself but our mum(slightly interfering) has said she is not takin it aswel as she is letting me think because she dont want me or the baby getting stressed her bf jst dropped off thier 11month old 2give my sister some rest so i feel like im helping somehow, i think im just worrying too much i kno she will want to play a part in my babys life so only time will tell but in the meantime im going 2write a letter thank u xx

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 23/01/2011 19:51

acknowledge her loss and involve sis if she wants.really so sad - she will need a good ally with broad shoulders and box of hankies

and congratulations on your pg-is sis getting any nhs or gp support.does she feel up to talk about her bereavements

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