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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to consider going to a women's refuge

23 replies

pavement · 22/01/2011 20:18

A bit of background - I am 22 weeks pg with no. 2, and have always suffered a from depression on and off since about age 18. Stopped meds to get pregnant as I really don't want to be on ADs (personal choice, I just can't face my baby getting any withdrawal etc).
So I've not been that easy to live with, I concede. But I have managed to keep my 18 mo DS clean and fed and taken him out etc - practically alone, as DH gets home from work very late (approx 10pm) and spends a lot of time at the weekend out of the house with his hobby.
We've had a few bad rows lately, and during that last one, I said some awful things and DH ended up hitting me around the head so hard he knocked me out. There has been violence in the past - I used to end up being violent with DH when we lived in a flat as he would often bar the door to prevent me from leaving when I was upset.
I've been to the police just to ask them to make a record of the latest incident, and they've given me numbers for the refuge coordinators.
I can't believe this is my life - we live in a lovely area, DH is a solicitor and very 'respectable' - and keep getting waves telling me it will be awful in a refuge, and just to be grateful for what I do have (which is much more than I ever thought I would end up with).
Maybe my question should be AIBU to be considering NOT going to a refuge and getting out????

OP posts:

Serendippy · 22/01/2011 20:21

Go to a refuge as a starting point. Then work out what to do when you are removed from the situation. Good luck.

RoobyMurray · 22/01/2011 20:22

Speak to Women's Aid as soon as you can. They can talk it through with you. If you're not in immediate danger, there might be another way to leave in a planned way and with help from them. Going to a refuge is not the only way they can help, but I understand that once you make a decision to go, you may just want to get it over and done with.

Good luck.

RoobyMurray · 22/01/2011 20:23

Sorry, I should of course have said that if you are in danger, there is no question, go.

alicet · 22/01/2011 20:23

Why not call womens aid (or your local refuge) to talk through you options?

You deserve better than this. Lovely area, 'respectable' dh etc pales into insignificance compared to living in fear of violence like this.

There is also the consequences for your ds - either directly if your dh hit him but also of seeing this happen to you and therefore think it is OK for this to happen.

It may also be worth seeing if your dh would agree to anger management counselling - a friend of mine was in a similar situation and her dh really responded to this.

But advice from the refuge could only be a good thing I think - it isn't as black and white as I leave or I don't. Get better advice about exactly what your options are.

Good luck x

FabbyChic · 22/01/2011 20:23

If he hits you again then go to a refuge, but don't use the place just to get out because you are feeling low.

Stopping anti-d's is a really bad thing to do for your health, when you stop you go into complete withdrawal. Your mind wanders and your thoughts turn to the negative rather than any positive.

If you need a refuge go, but if you don't leave the available space for someone that does need it more than you.

He hit you once, not acceptable no, but you said yourself you are violent to.

You are mentally unstable, your dp could use this against you to get your child off of you that you already have.

you stand on a rocky hill, I think you need medical help more than you need a refuge.

Lawm01 · 22/01/2011 20:24

I strongly suggest you make contact with the refuge.
Your DH is controlling and violent.

I have no other words of wisdom or experience, but I hope you find the strength to do what you need to.

Original poster

pavement · 22/01/2011 20:28

Thanks everyone. Its certainly not the first time he has been violent, but the first time I've been knocked out whilst pg. I have not been violent with him since our son was born - something just clicked inside me and its not been an issue.
The money thing is an issue (sahm, so got nowt), but I guess I could leave by waiting for council to help rehouse, get benefits etc.

OP posts:

RoobyMurray · 22/01/2011 20:30

I'm sorry, but I disagree about asking DH to do anger management. This kind of domestic abuse is not about managing anger, or else he would be violent with other people as well. Does he get into fight at work if something makes him angry? I doubt it.

It is about power and control, and this may be mutual, I don't know.

Finding a place on the Freedom Programme may help OP understand her experiences and I agree that your mental health needs attention too. You need to feel able to cope with any changes, because it won't be easy.

theoriginalscrummymummy · 22/01/2011 20:31

Just read your post. FWIW, I would speak to someone at the refuge- do you have any friends/family you could stay with to take a break?

RoobyMurray · 22/01/2011 20:32

OP if you speak to Women's Aid they can talk through your housing/finance options in your area, or at least signpost you to someone else who can help.

humanoctopus · 22/01/2011 20:55

I think you need to go to a refuge. Soon.

Ring them tomorrow and book you and your child in. The staff will help you to get there if necessary.

Think of it as a break that will help you get your head straight, without your dh. You'll be talking with people/counsellors there who don't know ye at all, and this will help to crystallise the issues for you.

Have you ever confided in a close friend or family member? I really feel sorry for you and your little one, and I hope you get yourself sorted.

NotAnotherNewNappy · 22/01/2011 20:56

Fabbychic - Did you read the whole post? She is not just 'feeling low', her husband hit her so hard around the head that he knocked her out - while she was 22 wks pregnant

OP - Don't ever think you would be taking up space for someone who needs it more than you. I think you know he has crossed the line. Call Women's Aid, discuss your options. Best of luck x

brightlightsandpromises · 22/01/2011 21:20

at Fabbychic!! and and are you for real???

Mentally unstable because she has been on Antidepressents? Well i must be a mental case too then, and a lot of other mothers on her - how very DARE you!!

When was the last row OP? you are PREGNANT, please call women's aid. I don't know what it is like in a hostel, but could you possibly set up some rented accomodation, your DH is a solicitor so there must be money? Can you access any. Do NOT let him bully you.

Do you still love him? You know, my DP and i have come to blows on occasion but never to the point that either of us was hurt, it has usually been when i have pushed and pushed and pushed and i do sort of see why he felt so frustrated etc, now my DP is a strapping bloke and if he put anything into hitting me etc, id not get up, but your DH has KNOCKED YOU OUT AND YOU ARE PREGNANT. This situation scares the hell out of me.

Could it be that living with your DH is causing your depression? Depression is nothing to be ashamed of, its an ilness and does not necessarily affect your parenting.

deardot · 22/01/2011 21:42

I would go to the refuge.

Denning · 22/01/2011 22:13

Can't your DH move out? Legally, you must have a right as a SAHM, pregnant with no.2 to finanical support from him. Perhaps it might be time to consider living on your own. You have rights, if you are married, to maintenance for both you and the children. This can be taken at source and if a court order is involved, well as a solicitor, it might well be in his best interest for him to be compliant.

MillyR · 22/01/2011 22:33

I think you should go to a refuge.

You should also go to a solicitor and get independent legal advice. Do not take advice on your husband on what the law is.

The local council will not be keen to house you long term if you already own a house (but perhaps you are renting). They will want a solicitor to arrange for you to keep the house (at least in the short term until it is sold, although you may be able to keep the house) and for the solicitor to arrange for your DH to be removed from the house so you and your children can return.

Lots of mothers having depression. You are not at risk of losing your child if you leave your husband.

And someone hitting a pregnant woman around the head until she is knocked out is extremely violent.

Seek advice from professionals about what your rights are.

MillyR · 22/01/2011 22:33

That should have said, do not take advice from your husband.

freshmint · 22/01/2011 22:40

Is this the first time he has been violent to you? Has he threatened you before? Or has he been violent/threatening to your child? You could go to court and get an occupation order against him ie requiring him to leave the house. You will need legal advice. Do you feel in imminent danger? If so, go to the refuge. If not, then maybe ask him to leave the house and stay with a friend for a while and get some legal advice on Monday. It will be easier to get an occupation order if he is already and voluntarily out of the house. You could tell him that you are considering pressing charges and it will be easier for you to think things through if he isn't here. Point out that his career will be over if he is convicted of assault. That might get him out of the house.

I'm sorry you are going through this.

chipmonkey · 23/01/2011 00:56

Jesus, Fabbychic, if a woman whose husband KNOCKED HER OUT while she was 22 weeks pregnant is not deserving of a place in a refuge, there can't be many who are!

And FWIW using physical strength to get out of a place when someone is attempting to imprison you there is hardly being violent OP.

pavement, I don't know what it is like in a refuge so can't tell you if it is awful or not but I will tell you that any place has to be better than with a violent thug.

Please go. We don't want to be reading about you in the papers.

pickgo · 23/01/2011 01:29

I've seen our local refuge and it was really nice!
There were 4 self-contained flates and lots more adjoining rooms with communal areas - kitchen, lounge etc. All in very good nick. And the staff were great and had legal people/housing people etc visiting every day to give specialised advice.
Not sure if they are all like this.
Must say OP not sure why you are hesitating - I don't think you've got any decision to make you MUST get out asap.
Contacct WA - their usual approach nowadays is that the perpetrator is the one to leave, but they'll advise you on your options.
Take care x

earwicga · 23/01/2011 01:38

Get out now! Good luck.

annieapple2 · 23/01/2011 09:56

Please Pack your stuff and your DC bits and go to the refuge, please. If you cant do it for yourself, just do it to get both of your children out of this very bad situation.
None of us can promise it will be nice or easy but you will all be safe.
Please go to the refuge so you can have the support and space to start a fresh for yourself and DC.

CockneySparra · 23/01/2011 10:00

The level of violence you ahve described is shocking. He hit you. He hit you so hard he knocked you out. He did this to you while pregnant.

It may not feel to you now like you and your children are in real danger, but it sounds like you really, really are. Please go. You can work out what you are going to do next when you get there.

Good luck.

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