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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect schools to reward good behaviour?

20 replies

justcarrots29 · 22/01/2011 19:21

I am certain many of you will have had a similar situation..
My daughter has started school this year and has always been very good. She does everything she is asked, sits quietly and listens, behaves nicely etc Nothing to do with my parenting - she just likes being well behaved.

Anyhoo - why is it that it is mostly the children that are challenging and disruptive that get nominated for everything (whichever scheme the school has), and the ones who are consistently good get overlooked and left to get on with it. Now my daughter is asking when she will get a certificate as she tries so hard in school. At parents evening the teacher said she didn't really have anything to say as she is quiet and well behaved and doing well so we were in and out in 3 minutes.
Do I have a word with the teacher or will she think I am interfering? I do not want to draw attention to my daughter through being a 'whiny' parent!

OP posts:

Kbear · 22/01/2011 19:26

They should praise the good as well as the trying to be good!

I felt like this about my DS at school - he was forever saying "I wish Mrs Whatnot would give me a headteachers award, I always sit still in assembly". Seems the head wanders up and down the hall and gives a sticker to the sit stillers! One day, at last, he got one. He was overjoyed.

DS's school is generally very good at merit awards, and behaviour awards and "tried really hard in Maths awards" and the children get certificates.

Make the suggestion to the head teacher if you think they are lacking in this department.

jazz412 · 22/01/2011 19:26

When I was at school I noticed this - the disruptive and "bad" kids whenever they did something good or consistently behaved - ie came to lessons they would get merrits/treats/luxuries however those that were ALWAYS good and always did homework etc got no recognition whatsoever.
Seems like a secondary school issue that's everywhere I certainly noticed it when I was at school, I wasn't teachers pet but I never got caught doing anything particularly bad but if I handed homework in and someone who never handed it in did they would get praise and some kind of special treatment and I (and others) would get nothing.
Unfair.
but then that's life! I suppose you can explain to your DD that whilst they might be getting special treatment now, eventually they will be on the dole, in a low paid job or something and if she's consistently good and does well she can make something better of herself so maybe there's a long term treat for her waiting :)

Original poster

justcarrots29 · 22/01/2011 19:27

I absolutely think all children should get them from time to time. It just seems to me that some get them a whole lot more than others in her class...

OP posts:

AliGrylls · 22/01/2011 19:42

They should praise the good but I am anti the idea of prizes for trying. In RL people don't get prizes at work just for working hard - they get the satisfaction of knowing that they have done a good job.

The prize for her will hopefully be that she will be successful in life and have a good job when she grows up, because that is usually what happens to people who work hard and behave well.

cansu · 22/01/2011 19:50

Why not just be pleased that your dd is doing well at school?? Surely you tell her how pleased you are about this. I think this is a non issue tbh. Haven't you got something else to worry about??

Serendippy · 22/01/2011 20:00

cansu I think the issue is that the DD is starting to notice that all her good behaviour is going unnoticed, not that mum is upset that DD didn't get 'teacher's pet' award or whatever. The danger is that children, when too young to appreciate that hard work is its own reward, will realise that bad behaviour is the type that gets you noticed and rewarded.

Even if we as parents tell our children we are proud of them, it must be demoralising for them to never receive this credit from a teacher when they see other children constantly getting it for being naughty most of the time and then good once.

Like justcarrots I think teachers should be on the lookout for something to praise in those children with difficulties following rules, but also think that they should be able to see the effort put in every day by many children and publicly praise that.

whatdoiknowanyway · 22/01/2011 20:01

Actually in adult life this can be dealt with. I worked for a company which gave awards for sustained high performance as well as for the people who had done something fantastic in a specific year. So the steady, turn up on time and do the job well type people felt appreciated as well as the stars.

My kids suffered from the issue at school. I had to raise the issue a couple of times as staff had got so caught up in motivating the low achievers or the ones that didn't try that they had not realised just how much they were actively de-motivating the kids who just got their heads down and worked hard.

Original poster

justcarrots29 · 22/01/2011 20:02

Actually cansu I have many many things to worry about at the moment, but like alot of parents worrying about my daughter feeling demoralized and upset features quite high on the list.

OP posts:

mumbar · 22/01/2011 20:17

YADNBU. My DS school has a system thats on the wall. Start on smile/sun whatever. Get moved down as a warning, then 2 more down spaces for repeated behaviour. This could be anything from figgiting, to actual hitting/ rudeness. However there is only 1 'up' space the WOW. The WOW is for something very good. I feel it should be for doing/ not doing the things you get 'sad' sided for. As it is my DS is apparently doing very well this year and made loads of progess. Only once on the WOW and no certifcates. Why? because he;s Joe Bloggs average - and yes he notices and thats what breaks my heart. I constantly tell him trying his hardest is all that matters and if he does I'll be proud of him and reward him.

Seona1973 · 22/01/2011 20:25

dd's school gives out awards for good behaviour ie. if they have behaved well they get a gold award each term. If they get all gold awards then they are rewarded by a trip at the end of the year. Last year dd went a trip to a soft play place.

Original poster

justcarrots29 · 22/01/2011 20:26

Ah mumbar - that is so sad. I know it sounds trivial to some (and much worse things happen) but when it is your own child feeling hurt when they are trying hard everyday it does get upsetting.

OP posts:

pointydug · 22/01/2011 20:28

If this is a real problem for you both, then speak to the teacher.

I'd tell my children that I wouldn't expect anything less than good behaviour. And I had the pleasure of telling them how pleased the teachers were with them at parents nights.

AimingForSerenity · 22/01/2011 20:30

My son had something like this and I just quietly asked the teacher at a parents evening if there was any way of making him feel more appreciated. She was very understanding, hadn't realised he felt that way and the issue was solved.

Teachers would sooner know before a child starts to act up to get attention,

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 22/01/2011 20:31

I think schools should expect good behaviour, not reward it. At the same time, bad behaviour should be punished.

I can't imagine why you think your daughter should be rewarded for sitting quietly, etc. She's supposed to do that as are all the other children.

I really do worry at the state of the nation where children are praised for just breathing in and out it seems.

mumbar · 22/01/2011 20:32

Yes DS is very trying . He is the scattiest disorganised but very switched on child who can drive you to distraction, he is very loving too. Unfortunatly the scatty disorganised gets 'sad sided' but the switched on is not a rewardable trait.

He told me the other day he called all the teachers beautiful as he thought they'd like it. If you ask me he searching for positive praise. This because on a day when he's good (which is more often than not!) he just stays on the smily face. He doesn't know how to get a WOW. Theres no clear guidelines about what to do, just a whole list of do nots.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 22/01/2011 20:36

My older DCs school is pretty good with this. They have a merit/de-merit system and if at the end of term a child has so many merits after demerits have been deducted then they get a treat - a trip to the bowling alley or similar. The kids who don't stand out and just quietly get on with it seem to make up the bulk of the children who get this reward.

Their primary school otoh had the same problem described in the OP and it was disheartening for my children who did their best but got very little in the way of praise and recognition from their teachers.

MotherJack · 22/01/2011 20:44

I think my son's school has overcome the "problems" of rewarding good behaviour. They obviously need to make an effort to recognise a child who is not normally well behaved making an effort. The psychology is simple. However, instead of giving out individual merit prizes for "good behaviour" these are now only given out for excellent work and instead good behaviour is awarded a "token" (basically a connect 4 board!!). When the board is full up the whole class gets a treat - not just the individual children getting the tokens.

I think it's a great idea.

Original poster

justcarrots29 · 22/01/2011 20:46

Absolutely lyingwitchinthewardrobe - However as she is one of the most well behaved and conscientious in the class and is behaving well (desirable behaviour) it should be rewarded in the same way that little-whats-her face, who talks away through assembly and throws toys around but managed to queue nicely for lunch gets nominated for Best Achiever . One rule for one and not for another it seems.

OP posts:

Clary · 22/01/2011 20:50

I work in secondary and I certainly make a special effort to praise (at least verbally) and children who really are behaving well - especially in a rowdy class!

Sometimes kids do slip under the radar tho if they really are quiet and good. Hopefully teacher is keeping a note of who gets certificates so all should get something.

Also at my school, at the end of each term all the kids in each house (5 altogether so about 250 kids in each one) get put in a draw for an ipod or similar - if they have 100% attendance or no behaviour points. So all those good sit stillers will get a chance to win. Good chance to as there's usually only about 20 kids in the draw

mumbar · 22/01/2011 21:18

Love the connect 4 board idea. Thats fab.

DS has apparently gone up a whole level in maths (since sept) and wrote over 2 pages of a story this week (believe me a huge achievement). He has had no recognition of this through wow board or smile award. He had to finish his writing over golden time as it was unfnished. So effectively he has been 'punished' for not finishing it but no reward for writing the most he ever has including speech marks. So today I rode to the next train staion with him for the train ride home - he loves trains - as a reward. BTW he struggles with writing it is not through pissing about he hadn't finished. He would not be getting treats for that.

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