Desperate need for advice - overbearing mum

[kpnuts32]

Ok so...im a single Mother of 2 under 5 yrs. My Mum is also a single Mum too. Now at the minute she has created this routine where she more or less moves into my home on a Friday and doesnt leave till Sunday night. I dont invite her, she invites herself and I feel bad saying no. She doesnt help with the kids, lays in bed until 11am then just sits around my house watching TV. She doesnt help with any housework unless I ask her to. I am starting to feel trapped and im resenting her because whenever I ask her to babysit for me at a weekend so I can spend time with friends, she twists her face and makes me feel guilty for wanting to go out even though she is staying at my home anyway. I feel like she is getting everything her way while im really miserable about the situation, can anybody give me advice please? Id really appreciate it but I dont want to hurt her feelings.

I think you need to vary your rotine more - can you visit friends?
Or say "mum, how about next weekend we stay at yours on Friday night?" (then leave on Sat)
Does she think she is helping and being company, or is she doing it for another readson?

How about inviting your friends over on a friday night, so that there is no room for her.

Or could you ask her to have the kids at her house so you can go out.

Maybe she is worried you will meet someone and she will be on her own.. but thats not really your problem, and she should be building her own social life too.

Call her on Wednesday, to give her some notice, and tell her that you're busy and can't see her that weekend. Then the week after tell her you can only see her on Sunday. Then carry on with the excises until she drops the habit.

She's lonely I think, and is making you responsible to stop it. I do think you need to be a little more assertive.

StealthPolar makes a good suggestion about varying routine.
Maybe arrange some outings etc.
Can you say something like "Mum I like having you round but can you help out a bit?"

Or:
Start hoovering outside the bedroom at 8.00am on a Saturday
Encourage your kids to play noisy games nearby
Turn your heating down (sneakily) then say "We're off to the shops - fancy coming?" so that if she stays in it won't be comfortable
Try asking her to make lunch/tidy up/hang up washing etc. while you are busy with soemthing else
Remove the fuse from the TV plug and say it's broken

Break the cycle. Make Friday night plans and get a friend to look after the children at hers. Then she can't come around. Make Saturday lunch plans out for you and the children and invite your mother to come over on Sunday morning and stay for lunch.

Try to go out with the children as much as possible and invite friends to stay so there's no spare bed. Keep inviting her over on Sunday. She will feel a bit pushed out and it's important that she knows in advance that you want to spend the day with her on Sunday- that she is loved and wanted. I wouldn't ask her to babysit whilst you're doing this or she may well feel used.

Hopefully over time she'll get used to the idea, and once she has, you'll be able to see her at other times over the weekend without her moving in.

Maybe in time you'll be able to do Friday nights with DVDs and her staying over without it meaning you lose the whole weekend.

Thank you so much for all your advice, it means alot.So nice to get it off my chest, as its been eating me up inside. Strangely enough she has just offered to babysit as ive been ill all week with flu and havent been out at all. The thing is i dont have any plans which ive told her so she has left and taken her overnight bag with her and said just to call her if she wants me to babysit!!!! Im quite shocked but I also feel really guilty now, not sure if its because Ive been quiet today....

Maybe she saw your post?

Hello kpnuts all the guilt etc is co-dependency issues; really normal with an intense 1:1 relationship between mother/daughter especially as you are both on your own.
And by the way your mum knows exactly what she's doing, remember she knows you better than anyone and can probably see it is stressing you out. (YANBU)

Everyone who has posted is right that it's about creating healthy boundaries that work for you even if it feels wrong or selfish or hard at first.

Once you are driving the relationship a bit more (in some subtle but important ways like deciding when to invite her around to your house) it will become easier to have a friendly, warm relationship with your ma, because you won't resent her.

So be strong!

Hope you feel better from the flu soon and next week is an easier week. .