I'm sorry, I think this might get long. I am a regular, but people know me IRL and I don't want to identify myself. No-one has any idea what is going on behind closed doors and everyone thinks I am a strong person who is in control. I even manage to convince myself of that most of the time.
Most of the time, my marriage is wonderful. DH who isn't always very thoughtful, but not deliberately, not demanding in any way, I do pretty much what I like, spend money on what I want etc. However, sometimes we have huge rows and there have been a couple of incidents where my DH has been violent towards me and I am unsure as to whether I am a victim or peretrator of domestic violence or whether the relationship in general is abusive. My head is all over the place. Either way, I don't see how the relationship can continue if I am being realistic, but I just keep hoping the bad times will become less and less.
During our rows we both shout at each other. I usually accuse DH of being selfish he then usually accuses me of being lazy/arguementitive/spending too much money on my hobby (which also brings in a reasonable income)/being difficult to live with etc. Any conversation afterwards I try to have about our relationship is always one sided with me talking, him silent. (he says he doesn't know what to say) and I have to admit I have sometimes got frustrated and thrown/smashed things, partly as I know he hates it and it gets a reaction and any reaction is better than him ignoring me. He has got frustrated and punched walls/slammed doors and on several occasions (although not at all recently) has pushed/shoved/strangled/hit me. Each time he has been physically violent he was very drunk.
This morning he got up to go to his recently re started hobby. He had said he was only going one day this weekend as he went Sat and Sun last weekend. I was disappointed he was now going both days this weekend too as it means we don't get a lay in together. A while later (having not been) he came back to bed but ignored me. We had a bit of a row, he then did the usual 'jokey' 'gave me a cuddle then' and he was laughing. The rowing went on a bot and ended with me in tears, him saying he might as well go and kill himself and me shouting at him to go and do that then. (it's not the first time he's threatened it) A short pause, me crying and he then screams at me 'what the fuck is wrong with you, I can't put up with this' and similar, whilst I was sobbing.
Other than thse rows I do feel like the marriage is great and that is why I stay. I do hope with counselling or something there is a way to sort it out, but I feel like he doesn't take me seriously. I think counselling for me would help get things clear, I don't think I am ready to leave, but m unsure of how long a referral from my GP would take or how to go about finding a private counsellor or how much it would cost.
Any advice on what is going on here or what I can do would be very appreciated.