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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

NOT to wear a big red "disabled" badge on my forhead ...

31 replies

twilight3 · 22/01/2011 14:31

...in order to park where I'm entitled to.

I mean, I have my DVLA thingy on my car and everything, I might not look disabled when I walk (apart from the snail speed and the excruciating pain had it not been for elephant painkillers), but my mobility is restricted and it will keep getting worse. The less I walk, the less the pain I have to deal with in the night.

I just got yelled at today after pulling into a diabled spot by a mother with a child in a wheelchair, and I almost found myself in tears. I don't have to sit there and explain my medical history to a stranger who was having a bad day and decided to take it out on me. And I know it's frustrating when you can't park near the shop because all the spots have been taken by inconsiderate bds.

But to be yelled at??? Just because my disability is not very visible (yet)? At the end of the day, if you're really pissed off, go look at the car. See no badge, call the police, call the shop manager, don't make such a scene, you cow. It was so embarrassing, I don't go around advertising I'm sick. People gathered around as I walked off and someone actually looked at my car and said "what's the problem, she has a badge". And that woman said, "she WHAT? Oh, I see, she's one of those"

I've been crying all afternoon :-(

OP posts:

SecretNutellaFix · 22/01/2011 14:34

Some people are arsholes Twilight.

Sadly that is a fact of life that none of us can get away from.

Do you use anything to help with mobility- if not, maybe look into getting sticks? At least if twats like her see something tangible, they may be less likely to say horrible stuff?

gorionine · 22/01/2011 14:35

Oh Twilight3, I am really sorry you had to go through that.

I do not know what else to say, you are right, you should not have to justifie yourself.

StayFrosty · 22/01/2011 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bubblewrapped · 22/01/2011 14:38

There are some ignorant arses.

I watched a row at the supermarket yesterday.

The disabled spaces were all occupied. A man with a disabled badge clearly displayed had parked in a parent and baby space as there was nowhere else. (perfectly legal to do).

A woman sat there watching him struggle to get out of his car (his disablity was clear to see) then started to screech at him from her car that he "couldnt effing park there as it was for effing mothers and children"..

belgo · 22/01/2011 14:38

How awful for you. Try and take heart by the person who made the effort to check you had the badge.

Karaishere · 22/01/2011 14:39

tbh I would have gone and got my badge, then rammed it down her throat

Don't let it upset you (hard I know). Don't waste your time crying and no you shouldn't have to justify yourself to anyone :)

chillichill · 22/01/2011 14:41

I understand your feelings. my uncle had parkinsons so similar situation, has disabled badge on car but can walk. he doesn't like to use disabled spaces cause of the looks he gets. so cruel. then again, having a child in a wheelchair must be stressful at times but she should have asked if you had a badge before going on a rant. maybe she will now after being pulled up.

Original poster

twilight3 · 22/01/2011 14:43

thank you all, it's just that I'm still coming to terms with what's going to happen and I try to live as normally as I can for as long as possible...

I suppse I should forget about her and spend the afternoon having sex or something else fun

OP posts:

JumpOnIt · 22/01/2011 14:48

What a cheeky, cheeky cow. I'm not normally one for violence but someone needs to give that woman a good shake. Or worse! :)

mumbar · 22/01/2011 14:48

"I suppse I should forget about her and spend the afternoon having sex or something else fun"

Your right you don't have to justify yourself. Well done for walking away with your head held high, thinking about sex!

Sorry your going through this btw.

FranSanDisco · 22/01/2011 14:50

Twilight3, forget about her, she made herself look stupid. You don't have to explain yourself to her or anyone and I think walking away letting her vent was the right thing to do. However, I never do the right thing and would have beaten her about the head with my badge.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/01/2011 14:51

Twilight what happened to you was awful and you are right to be upset. Prepare a speech for if it happens again. Something along the lines of "You know nothing about me or my disability and you have no right to shout at me in the street."

I often find that if I do this it helps me get over such upsetting situations as I know I will not feel so powerless/embarrassed in the future. Nor will I feel that I have to justify myself in order to assert my rights when challenged by a judgemental ignoramous.

asdx2 · 22/01/2011 14:53

So sorry you have had trouble. As the parent of a child with disability and a disabled badge I too have been abused by the elderly in my case who believe that their seniority gives them more entitlement than my ds.It's a difficult issue ds also has no "identifying features" and I believe he is entitled to some privacy so don't believe I should have to elaborate on why we are using the disabled bays. Hope the day gets better for you.

RMCW · 22/01/2011 14:55

That woman has made herself look really stupid in public, not you.

Try not to get too upset about it...as you say she was having a bad day and took it out on you.

mintyneb · 22/01/2011 15:05

but what did she mean by 'she's one of those'? did she think you were parking under false pretences in that you had borrowed the badge?

As others have said, she is the one that looked stupid so try not to get too upset.

Last year I heard a good put down comment from someone with a hidden disablity, Having been abused by people for not 'looking disabled' they replied 'well you don't look ignorant. Just goes to show how appearances can be deceptive' Obviously not appropriate in this situation but one you might want to try in future

ManateeEquineOhara · 22/01/2011 15:05

:( That totally sucks, you do not have to justify your need for the space!

And the comment about being 'one of those' - what the hell does she mean!? Someone who stole it/made it etc? In which case if she believes what she reads in daft papers and this further confirms she is a bit stupid.

ariane5 · 22/01/2011 15:10

how horrible for you i totally understand how you must have felt, my dc have blue badges and they dont 'look' disabled but their joints dislocate all the time. people have said things to me before and it is horrible feeling as though you have to justify yourself and give them your full medical history.

MillyR · 22/01/2011 15:14

How awful for you. DH has had this kind of thing happen; a woman once called him a lazy f-ker.

It really makes me worry, because it suggests other people don't realise how vulnerable some people are when walking about, and won't take care not to bump into people and so on, because they don't appreciate that not every walking person is able-bodied.

And there seem to be more and more threads on MN about people who think it is acceptable to shout abuse at people in public spaces.

I hope you feel better soon.

ZillionChocolate · 22/01/2011 15:16

Awful woman. Disability is not a competition. You're either entitled to park there or you're not. Arguably, if her child is in a wheelchair and it is powered or she's pushing, it wouldn't be as difficult for her to park a bit further away than for you.

The speech in my head is "I have a badge, you're not a doctor who has examined me and considered my medical notes, mind your own business".

alicet · 22/01/2011 15:17

Great great suggestions for put downs especially mityneb - that made me pmsl!

Also Dione's suggestion is good too - I think if you have a come back (or 2) prepared you are less likely to feel vulnerable and humiliated and your calm response will just make the idiot who is challenging you all the more angry and just make them look stupid instead.

YANBU

ChocolateMoose · 22/01/2011 15:21

You could say "Go home. Google 'whatever your condition is'. Then I hope you feel proud of yourself."

Original poster

twilight3 · 22/01/2011 15:28

yeah, I too was a bit about the "one of those" comment, one of those what?

Are there really hundrends of people in the country who get badges without being disabled, and it's our job to catch them? From now on I'll be interrogating anyone with a badge who doesn't look to me "deserving"!!!

I loved the "you don't look ignorant" line

OP posts:

Original poster

twilight3 · 22/01/2011 15:36

It has happened to me in disabled toilets too, never have been yelled at but I get the carers' dirty looks.

I could use a normal one if I really had to, but only if the cubicle is small enough for me to ventouse my hands one the walls while lowering myself onto the seat, it would hurt a lot and getting up would be my exercise allowance for the week. So whenever I can I use disabled toilets, it's quicker, painless and dignified, which the point of their existance. But not everyone agrees...

DH says "sod them, if you dont' want walking aidds while you can avoid them you'll do just that".

So I'm used to the looks, I can ignore them (let's not start about the bus), but I had never been yelled at before. I have been politely asked ont eh bus to get up, and I politely said "I'm sorry, I have a disability which doesn't allow me to stand on the bus for long", the lady apologised, I said "it's ok, you couldn't know", I'm fine with this sort of thing.

Yelling at strangers in public is deranged IMO

OP posts:

tallulah · 22/01/2011 16:01

I think there has been a huge rise in recent years of people "having a go" in general. I got screamed at in a car-park by a woman who'd decided I'd "stolen her space".

The car park has 2 entrances/exits. I'd come in the one that is actually the designated entrance, seen a space on my right and driven into it. She'd come in the opposite entrance and was aiming for the same space. I didn't see her, and even if I had I was slightly ahead of her.

Unfortunately we both went into the same shop and she continued her little tirade. I was quite proud of myself for just giving her a look and saying calmly "it's quite sad that you feel the need to scream at a total stranger" and walked off.

It is upsetting to be confronted, but you know what, you were doing nothing wrong so she's the one who looked an idiot. And you don't have to explain your medical history to all and sundry.

Let's hope she's a MNetter and reads this thread.

Pseudo341 · 22/01/2011 16:19

I don't walk about anywhere out of the house without my walking stick, mainly because I feel vunerable without it but I admit that it's also a bit because I'm too chicken to park in a disabled space without looking convincingly disabled, sad I know. Try telling yourself that someone who rants at complete strangers like that must be desperately unhappy themselves and deserves your sympathy, usually makes me feel better about things. Besides which, from what you've said your sex life is probably much better than hers, be smug!

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