To want to scream at DH for his attitude?

[WimpleOfTheBallet]

It's a bloody mare'. He works long hours having just gone back to work after getting laid off in the winter....during his time of unemployment I went hell for leather on my own business and now have a tonne of clients and projects to fulfill.

We have 2 DDs one is only 2 and to send her to nursery would be too much as we fell behind with lots of payments and need to catch up.

I'm trying to work from home AND do the childcare AND the housework.

I'm knackered and he's moaning about the house being a mess.

He gets home exhausted as his job is very physical 10 to 12 hours a day...so he can't do anything though he really would if he wasn't so tired...he actually LIKES housework.

I'm getting up at 7 with the DC and then trying to write and clean and entertain and cook.

More often than not I end up doing my paid work in the evening....and then I wake up shattered, with a bad back.

I write crappy copy for websites and if I had no other commitments could probably earn twice what DH earns in a day....but we need the regularity of his cash...mine can sometimes take a few weeks to come in.

I feel overstretched and as though I can't fulfill my earning potential like this. He keeps complaining about the house...when he was off work, he was meant to do the majority of housewok and child care but he was crap at keeping DD away from the office and I was STILL struggling to find the time I needed.

What do I do? I wanted to scream this morning when he started on about the laundry basket which is overflowing with clean stuff...I don't know how to make him understand.

He knows I could be earning more but cannot manage things. Why can't he stop moaning and take the pressure off!?

Sorry for the huge post!

Your DD is right isn't she
Hello Wimples DD!

Mmm, sorry no relationship advice re: responsibilities. I like being the chatelaine of the house TBH. I do routinely make the best choices and have to take the planning lead, as my head is only removed from the housekeeping situation about 15 hours a week, not 60-70 like DHs.

I wonder why he says no cleaner?
Maybe substantive help from him, dropped income and the sheer tedium and repetitiveness of it all will make him see the light in a few months. Good luck:)

Chatelaine? If I were going to call myself that then I want a bloody mansion to live in and no crappy writing work to do!

My hours could be more..I could earn more...work more...but DH doesn't want to be a SAHD.

I think he hates the idea of paying someone to do what I could do...he will probably try it and tire of it....so then I'll get a cleaner.

TBH you need a routine and it sounds like you don't have one.

If you cleaned for an hour a day done the washing and tidying, the only thing that should be messy would be toys, and they only take a few minutes to put away.

it;s about everybody in the house clearing up after themselves.

If you had an hour or half hour to tidy in the mornings you would be set for the day, segment your day.

Try to get a cleaner that comes in once a day for an hour five days a week.

That should cost around £50, surely you can afford that if it means you can get more work done.

I woudl get a cleaner anyway and discuss with h how you can make savings elesewhere

You really wont regret it

PS, your good sense may tell you it is 'crappy copy' but you are sound enough to see the need for it, do it, hold down the associated relationships and meet the deadlines for it.

Don't diss it even to yourself, especially if its such a nice earner. 2 year old isn't that long off of starting education out of the home and you've a great basis to do more then.

Another tip is to really forge links with parents at older kids' school. Maybe you can set up routine swap of care - I've done this. Take mine to play at their house while she does whatever, she comes to mine with hers and they play while I work.

I've also had very cheap in house childcare during a period of illness from a qualified nanny who only wanted a bit of cash here and there and who brought her child with her as well. Talk talk talk to local parents.

My friends dh refused a cleaner under similar circumstances. She got one anyway. He was a little mad until he realised that was why she had the time to make a better meal that night and be more, ahem, attentive. He now proclaims it was the best idea he ever had!

In addition to the cleaner, what about playgroup for your 2 year old? Ours is £12 for a 9:30-12 session. Frees up some time for you to get on with things on your own.

Yes why are our H's 'the boss'

If you want one, get one! he's your husband, not your dad

Sorry to be a stroppy milly-tant

Can you sit down with him and say 'I agree with you that the house is a mess. Its no ones fault. I'm too busy working and looking after DD and you are too tired after work. Can we talk about it and see if we can come up with ideas together on how to work round it?'
And hopefully you will sort it out TOGETHER without it automatically being YOUR problem and him just complaining about it!

Why are you letting him make it your problem?

The answer to moans about the house being a state when you are both too pressed for time to keep on top of it is shrugged shoulders.

"oh well, we're under a lot if pressure right now, we'll just have to cope."

It's hardly some big disaster if you have to take clean washing out of the basket for a bit until things calm down.

Why do you think it is your job to sort this?

He's too tired, you're too busy - so it won't get done until one or other or both things change.

But it's no more your job than his, so don't take his complaints personally. If it's annoying him that much he'll find the energy to do it.

Wimple, you would be quite within your rights to shout very loudly indeed at your dh re. his attitude towards the house. Get angry, don't back down, you are not getting enough help with childcare for you to be able to work effectively. I would prioritise having dd go to a playgroup or childminder over getting a cleaner, tbh, if you had to choose one or the other.

However (deep breath) and I will be absolutely jumped on from a big height for saying this - you seem to have an awful lot of time for posting on Mumsnet. You are a very prolific poster.

Yes, Mumsnetting is a valid leisure activity, we are entitled to time to ourselves, it can help people stay on an even keel when we think we are going mad etc, I fully understand all of that. But are you honestly saying that you couldn't, perhaps, halve your Mumsnet time, and do some of your paid work then instead?

I have periods of being addicted to Mumsnet and I try and cut down. But I have been absolutely terrible since Christmas, sitting here for an hours on end, basically feeling guilty but unable to shift. I have posted 380 messages since 1st Jan. Its not good.

Very funny re: prolific posting :) Yes, stop chatting over virtual garden fence and work woman:)

If I get a sense of her, i reckon she's probably MNing and working at the same time. Sounds like the work is brain aching her with dullness:)

Oh bibbity it's true. I waste loads of time on here...it's because I sit and am So shattered I can't get the energy up to write properly.

Crappy sort of vicious circle.

merryberry

The work is spectaclarly dull...and I mean send you loopy dull. It's like factory work but with words.

Bizarrely it is cheaper to pay for your child to go in child care than it is per hour for a cleaner.

Are there any playgroups in your area, they usually take from age 2 ? In our area they run for a couple of hours 2-3 times per week which would give you time to either catch up on housework or make a concerted effort to get your work done.

It should not just be your problem, make a point very nicely when your DH next complains of not being defensive but just state that you are unable to do much when DD is around.

Bibbity is right though, I waste acres of time on the internet ( like right now am waiting for soup to be ready though in my defense and DH is at the gym). You are perfectly entitled to have down time, but maybe you could not go on in the mornings or afternoons leaving you more time to focus on other stuff. Sorry your job is so dull it sounds interesting to me, but then I don't have to do it.

I work from home as well and also am full time mum and do most of the housework. It's so hard to juggle!

You DH needs a little reminder that you are doing 2 jobs at once. Looking after dcs and also being a mum. The housework should be shared.

I don't want her in childcare. I know that seems to be a bit silly to some...but I just don't want her away at this point. I worked hard to get to a place where working at home was a reality so that I wouldn't need to send her somewhere else.

I have just finished a piece and am dedicating the rest of the day to housework...no MN! Then I can hopefully maintain it thrugh the week.

I totally know what you mean about childcare. I don't want to do that with mine either even though that means I'm not earning much so has really afected us financially!

I think this "no cleaner" thing from some men is simply a control gesture. But actually, whatever the reason, it is well worth you overcoming it and installing a cleaner if your DH is bothered enough to complain about the state of the house. My dp was slightly reluctant about "employing staff" (it was some sort of inverse class thing) but he was even more reluctant to spend his spare time on house cleaning stuff so I just sorted out a cleaner. Once the liberating reality hit him, he realised what a damned good plan this was and there has been no more nonsense!

But I've very little time for people who share houses, make half the mess (or in some cases a far higher percentage of it!) and then think they have any right to complain to their partners.

"I think he hates the idea of paying someone to do what I could do". Interesting that you phrase it like that rather than "paying someone to do what we could do".

I think that there is a fair amount of disrespect coming from him about the amount and nature of all your work (including child care and household chores). If he really thinks what you said above then he thinks you are a free skivvy.

Honestly, the vast majority of 2 year olds enjoy a couple of mornings at playschool a week .

I'd find someone in a similar position locally and swap playdates a couple of days a week - so you take all the kids say Mon/Weds and they take your Tues/Thurs. That way you have 2 days a week to blitz your freelance projects and earn more money to employ a cleaner etc.

How about an au pair?

I just askedon the Nannies thread about an AuPair Tryharder...they awlways live in nd I don't fancy it.

Thanks for all the input people...have resolved to come on MN less!