Am I? I need a bit of perspective please!!

[darksideofthemooncup]

Quick back story; my dh and I have been together for 11 years, married for 2 and have a 3 yo dd. He has been working for himself and doesn't earn fortunes but he has been able to support us all while I have stayed at home with our dd.
He works very hard and very long hours and I don't expect him to do anything in the house- and he really doesn't lift a finger, however since my dd has started nursery I have started to go into the office two mornings a week to sort out all the paperwork etc.We have never had a joint bank account so I have to ask for money for groceries etc, which, while he isn't stingy makes me feel like a child and is humiliating.
My AIBU is this. I have a cold/ throat infection type thing and he has asked me to go into the office today (with my dd) and if I do so he will 'let me have fifty quid'

I feel bloody awful and really don't want to go and sit in a draughty office with a bored 3yo but at the same time I feel like I should as he is working so hard and I don't feel like I can ask him for money if I don't work for it.

So am I?

YANBU. My DH works and I'm a SAHM, but we have a joint account and everything is shared, I don't have to ask for money.

I can see how being treated like that would feel humiliating. Do you get Child Benefit and tax credits? If so, could you get them paid into a separate account of your own so that you have some money that's just yours?

YANBU. He's using the offer of money to control you. That makes it an unequal partnership, you're too dependent on him, and that will become increasingly problematic. Stand up for yourself this time by not going to the office but inisting that you both sit down and work out a more even-handed way of dividing the family finances and responsibilities. He works hard. You work hard. No-one is the superior partner.

I think he is treating you like an employee, not a wife. 'let you have £50' shows a lack of understanding of the bit in the marriage vows that goes 'all I have i give to you'. You are working for money - how would he be able to run his business if you weren't running your home and looking after your dc?

It sounds as if there is some festering resentment building up here on both sides.

Go in today, but tell him you are going in to help the business and not to earn a paltry £50 which is yours by rights anyway. And get the big issue sorted.

YANBU- What is your husband doing that means he can't look after his own daughter while you go to the office???? You know if it's soooo important you go in on a Saturday. Anyway you don't feel well so why the hell would you want to go in anyway?

Don't even get me started on the "I'll let you have £50".

Thank you for your replies, I think having stayed at home for so long I have started to lose confidence in my own opinions IYSWIM. He is a lovely, lovely man in many ways but I think he feels that I have been on holiday for the past 3 years!

Hang on - he's effectively saying that you have to work for him or he will withhold money from you to buy groceries etc.? That is just bizarre.

YANBU at all.

You need to sort all this out. Who deals with the bills? Don't you have access to cards for bill paying etc?

I nderstand the issues as my DH works very hard but I have recent;y begun to earn from m own business and storred up a wasps nest in the process...but what your DH said wa awful.

SO he'll "Let you" have 50 quid...for what! Feedng his child? Buying her clothes?

he is not saying that he withhold money if I don't work, but if I don't it makes it harder for me to ask for it if that makes sense?

I think you need to negotiate a bit here!

As you have always had the arrangement that he pays for the groceries etc then he needs to set up a standing order to a bank account for you to access to do the shopping etc.

Then you get an hourly wage for the work you do for the business, which covers your own expenses so you dont need to go cap in hand if you need say, a new coat. When your DD is at school I assume that you can work more hours for the business so you could re-negotiate to become a partner in the business perhaps?

That way you feel valued as a contributer to the business and understands that you are not working for nothing!

he's a twat.

and HE understands that you are not working for nothing!

In my marriage everything we have goes into our joint account and belongs to us both equally. This was the case when I earned more than DH and is the case now that he earns more than me! I too am a SAHM, but I honestly believe that we are a unit, a team. Money needs to be earned and children need to be looked after and we are just divvying up the 'jobs' according to who wants to do each one.

Remember that what you are doing has enabled him to concentrate on his business and not worry about childcare and running the home. It is of equal importance to going out to work.Don't let him make you feel that it is 'less' than what he does.

You have also, by being a SAHM, negatively affected career prospects and pension status, so although it is a lovely thing to do, it is not without sacrifice on your part.

With all that in mind, you need to sit down with him and tell him how he is making you feel and what you want him to do to resolve it. For me it would be a joint account and for us to share the income equally. You might want to go back to work or retrain, in which case he needs to do his fair share of housework and childcare and give you proper financial support until you are established in your new career. I don't recommend tyhat you work for his business, as he is already treating you like an employee and that needs to stop.

This situation as it stands would be a dealbreaker to me.

"if I don't it makes it harder to ask"

That's because he's controlling you...it's like those wickd girls in school who'd "make" you do something without actually making you.

Serious question...how will you feel if he's doing the same thing to you when you are in your 50s or 60s?

And you have no access to cash.

Does he give you the bank cards so you can pay the bills? Or does he do all that?

no im sorry GandTiceandaslice - you are wrong: he is a cunt.

He will let you have £50? Tell him to get out of your face and you will let him live, go back to bed with a hot lemon drink and let him cook his own dinner etc

Fair enough brightlights and GAndt but that advice won't help the op sort out his behaviour will it?

Thank you again, some really good advice on here and you have made me too. I will have a good think about it all and sit down with him later. He isn't an unreasonable man but he does come from a very old-fashioned background and has been treated like a precious princeling by his mother (in fact she refers to him as 'the King' which makes me want to vomit) so I have a few years of conditioning to undo I think.

I have let it slide for too long though and need to grow a spine I think

I can understand how you've got to this point. My ex always had the money to go to the pub and buy lottery tickets but would moan if I bought DS some underwear.

I think it's time to have a conversation about how the money and chores are divided up between you. Looking after your DD is work, and if you didnt do it he wouldnt be able to work 12 hour days would he?

My advice is to tell him you're not going to work as you're too ill. That you expect to be paid anyway (has he paid you a wage since you started working for him? Or just getting the same money that you did previously?). And that you would like him to take DD off your hands so you can go back to bed.

Then see what happens. He may be unaware that it's humiliating having to ask for money.

Or he may just be a controlling tit.

Either way, you'll find out this morning how 'lovely' he really is.

This sounds quite similiar to the situation I am in op. I am sahm and dh works very hard(long hours) at his job. We both have our own accounts-he pays all the bills/food etc and I use the cb to pay for things like school dinners/clothes and activities. However cb sometimes doesnt stretch that far and I have to ask him for cash.He gives me £10 or £20(no I am not joking!) and I have to tell him what I need it for.He has no respect for the work I put in the home and with the kids(if we try and talk about this then ends in a huge row-he constantly flingss it in my face that other women have kids AND work but refuses to listen when I point out that we cant afford childcare for 3 dcs!).
Sorry op not much advice from me but just wanted you to know you are not alone in this dilemma.

Its a question of knowing what you are worth.

Have a look online at the going rate for what you do for the business and negotiate from there. If you werent doing these jobs (leaving the childcare while you are at home out of the equation for the moment) then he would either have to do it himself therefore costing the business in terms of man hours from him or pay someone else. Either way, the time is valued. You shouldnt be expected to do it for nothing.

I wonder if his £50 is his way of paying for your time but he just didnt put it very well!

You are married so that £50 is already just as much yours as it is his!

There is no way you should be asking you DH for money and he certainly should not feel that he can control you by offering money which is already yours. I would consult him before buying something expensive and luxurious but then you should make a joint decision about spending the money.

You need to completely renegotiate your financial position so that you have access to a joint bank account or a joint credit card.

Maybe he hasn't realised how humiliating it is to have to ask for money like a child. Explain to him how this makes you feel.

If he can't relinquish control as much as you'd like at least arrange for a certain amount of money to be transferred into an account each month to cover everything you need to pay for and a little more for luxuries so you don't have to go cap-in-hand all the time.