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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unreliable Friend

8 replies

StickThemWithThePointyEnd · 21/01/2011 20:05

I know I'm probably being completely unreasonable over this, but I'm full of hormone fuelled rage and just feel like ranting a little. Feel free to tell me I'm being stupid :D

Long story:
This girls used to be my best friend. We've known each other for 9 years, and have been working together for about half of that.
When she split up from her long-term partner and father of her kids last year, I was there to pick up the pieces and put her back together again. That's not an understatement. I crawled around on all fours, cleaning her house, cooking for her and her kids, and just entertaining them so she could have a shower. Food shopping, paperwork, budgeting... I spent more time at her house at that time than at my own.
Then me and my other half decided to get married, and only gave ourselves 8 weeks to plan it all. I asked her to be maid of honour, and she threw herself into organising stuff.
Because we had the wedding booked to be in cornwall, about 2-3 hours drive from where we live, I was relying on her to do the things she promised me she would do: Drive my dress, cake and flowers down (because we would be there the weekend before), and give my other best friend and her daughter a lift.
I asked for reassurance several times, to make sure she'd still be able to do it, and was always promised she would be there.
She cancelled on me the day before the wedding, because her ex was ill, and she felt she needed to look after him. This being the same ex she got a restraining order against. No apologies.
We were in Cornwall, and someone else had to pick up the pieces. I got married without my two best friends or my parents at my side.
When we came back from our honeymoon, she told me they had got back together. I told her in confidence that I was newly pregnant. She told a bunch of people. Then she told me they were going to start trying for a baby because seeing me at work every day was making her broody. Still no apologies about the wedding. No mention of it, even.
When we moved house, she promised to help us move, because she has a big car and a trailer. She couldn't make it on that weekend, because she had a cold. No apologies, but a promise to be round in the week with cake. She never showed. No apologies.
Payday, she promised she would drop my wages over at my house and have a coffee, because she wanted to see the new place. She never showed, and never let me know she wasn't coming. Again. I didn't get my money for another 3 weeks, by which time I had gone over my overdraft limit to be able to feed my son.
There have been plenty more times like that in the last 4 months, sometimes she cancels last minute, sometimes I need to actually phone to find out what's going on. Of course, plenty of complaints that out of all of our group of friends, she's the only one who hasn't seen our new house.

She is now getting married in May and has asked me to be maid of honour, and also godmother to her children at their christening in august. I declined the maid of honour because bump is due at the end of april, but I was, despite everything, going to help her plan it. I will believe the christening will take place when she actually books it.

Today, she was meant to give two of our friends who don't drive, and their kids a lift to our house, so we could all have a nice catch-up. Nothing important, but another chance for her to come round. My chance to finally have all the kids together here and let them play.
Last night I texted to ask what time they were coming. No reply. This morning, I tried the same. No reply. I texted one of the friends, [M.], she was supposed to be giving a lift to, and was told after "I'll call her and check" that I wouldn't be seeing her today, or my other friend (who had legitimate reasons). I picked M and her son up from the next town and we had a lovely morning. No text, no apology, nothing from my "friend". But M told me that the reason she couldn't "make it" was because her dishwasher broke, and, because I HADN'T REFILLED IT ON TUESDAY AT WORK, SHE HAD TO DO ALL HER DISHES BY HAND. Yes, that's right. It's my fault she can't wash up after herself. It's probably my fault she's unreliable, too.
I've not heard a word from her all day, and I've been on a slow boil. Facebook informs me she had a fun time baking cake, drinking wine and eating chocolate all day, and how happy she is right now. GRRRRR.

Anyway, rant over. Sorry about that, but it's nice to have got it off my chest.

What do I do in regards to her wedding? I feel like I don't want anything to do with her or her plans anymore. It's like the last straw that broke the camel's back. Some people don't ever change, and I feel I've had enough.
Cutting ties isn't an option, though, because we have so many common friends, go to the same kids' groups in the area, and everyone here knows everyone anyway.
On a happy note, my last week of work before maternity leave is feb half term...

any words of wisdom, whether they are opinions on the situation or just a "snap out of it and stop being unreasonable" would be really appreciated!

OP posts:
LastGivenWord · 21/01/2011 20:09

Ditch her.

TheDevilAndTheDeepBlueSea · 21/01/2011 20:09

Oh good grief. You are so NBU. Get shot of her, she's a selfish bitch and you really don't need it.

I understand that it's hard to cut her out because of social groups, but you really need to step right away. Who need it?

Sn0wflake · 21/01/2011 20:14

Well you have been much more patient than I would be. Just tell her you can't help her out. She sounds like a nightmare.

Hassled · 21/01/2011 20:15

Bloody hell - walk away. You can't make the wedding, you can't help at the christening (no need to provide a reason if you don't want a show-down - just be vague but firm), you don't call her, you don't text her, just head down and stay out of her way as much as you can given the common friends problem.

She's a cow; she'll keep being a cow, she won't change. You could spend years and years getting stressed about her - it's not worth it. There doesn't have to be a row, just don't attempt any contact.

Aussieng · 21/01/2011 20:19

Ok -so you can't completely ditch her but at least distance yourself. Stop making plans with her, accept she is not a true friend and is totally unreliable and self absorbed. Stay polite but distance yourself. You are going on mat leave and having a new baby - things will be changing anyway and it will not look too odd if a natural part of that is having less to do with her.

FabbyChic · 21/01/2011 20:19

Id cut as many ties as possible, she sound's really selfish and you don;t need that kinda person in your life at all.

Plumm · 21/01/2011 20:20

You should have dropped her after the wedding let down - she is not a friend

suzikettles · 21/01/2011 20:29

I've got a friend who's a bit like this.

After many years of let downs, feeling angst about the state of our friendship, feeling angry at yet more plans cancelled at the last minute I rethought the whole friendship.

Basically she's a great laugh to be around and for that reason I didn't want to necessarily cut all ties. Instead I never make plans that rely on her doing anything or turning up at a certain time, or being anywhere. If she turns up or I see her, well that's nice, if not then no biggie.

Actually, we've hardly seen each other in the last couple of years as previously I was making most of the plans. The difference is that I now realise this is no big deal. I clearly meant less to her than she meant to me and my rethink of the friendship is probably for the best all round.

Just stop making plans with her, stop worrying about it and enjoy your life.

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