To consder no longer having any contact with my brother?

[NoOneCares]

It's a long long story so won't bore you with it all but the short of it is this:

My brother committed a crime in 2008 and served 18months for it before then we had a good relationship but since then he's changed and everything he does and says fucks me right off

I spent time away from my DC traveling to visit him (an hour each way) every 2 weeks for 2 hours, all he did was bang on about justice and being wronged and that people who do worse get less than him etc etc

He also said when he got out his main focus was going to be his daughter, getting a job and sorting his life out...fast forward til now...he hasn't seen his daughter, although that is down to her mother so not his fault really, neither has any of our family which has really upset us, he hasn't got job and while it is hard getting a job when you have a record he's not really putting much effort into it.

4 months out of prison and he starts a relationship with a 17yr old, we all (parents, sister, grandmother and myself) advise him against it telling him to concentrate on himself and getting a job and access to his daughter, he ignores us and gets her pregnant only to dump her when 4months pregnant for someone else

The ex then has the baby who is then taken into care because she cant cope and has now failed two assessments, the baby is in foster care and social are looking at adoption, my brother has supervised access at moment but cannot have custody due to his convictions, he knew this would happen before he got her pregnant so what does the dickhead go and do....have lots of unprotected sex with new girlfriend resulting in pregnancy and then an abortion because they know they cannot have a baby and a relationship.

In the past two years all I've heard is
"social are being pathetic, it's my human rights to see my children, they shouldn't be able to stop me"
"you don't know how hard it is for me, people treating me different"
"the past is the past they shouldn't be looking at that, whats done is done it's over now i did my time so i should be left alone"
"why should i have to abide by someone else's rules and laws its against my human rights"

NO you fuckwit rules and laws are there for a reason if you cant abide by them then expect conscience, its your fault and your problem but its not just you having to live with it, it's our whole family including me and my DC (who aren't allowed contact with my brother because of him which is separating our family and making family occasions very hard to work around)

I actually shouted that last paragraph at him down the phone this afternoon....arrrgggg

I would consider cutting contact too-blood only goes so far.

The really heart breaking thing is your niece in foster care-I'd be wanting to try for custody myself if that was my niece.

Take a step back.

Sorry about my spelling and punctuation mistakes I was typing fast and angry

I'm already on that road we've had our viability assessment and are waiting for the next one the more in depth one

You dont say (and I am not asking) what the convictions are, but I feel the babys' best interests would be adoption and away from your brother.

He sounds an arse, but will always be your brother, and even if you understandably cut yourself off from him, the rest of your family may not.

How is adoption the babys' best interest?

if you foster / adopt your niece then there is a good chance she will have contact with your brother, which depending on his crimes, might be a bad idea. In some circumstances it might be better for her to be totally removed from the situation, so adoption outside the family might be safer for her :(

Adoption would be in the baby's best interests because it would give her the security of being brought up by parents who have proved that they can put her needs first and who will offer her the love and stability she has missed out on so far.

I agree that it would be very hard for her to avoid contact with her father (who does sound hopeless from your description) if she was adopted within the family. It's a very sad situation.

As becky says. The child will always be your brothers child, and if you adopt, your brother will either have access, which may or may not be what you want depending on if you are able to rebuild the relationship with him, and your feelings towards that access may be influenced by his behaviour within other relationships, (being his sister you will know a lot more about him than an outside family), or if he doesnt have access, there will then be a barrier between yourself and him, which could make life very uncomfortable for everyone involved.

Ultimately the adoption should always be in the best interests of the child, no matter how much other family members want the child. I really do not mean that in anything other than the kindest way. I was adopted myself.

So you think all babies/children in care should go straight up for adoption regardless of the fact that he/she has a huge loving family who want her, who can give her a home, love, stability and that he/she would grow up knowing we wanted him/her not thinking that we abandoned him/her

No, I don't think that. I think every case needs to be looked at individually before making the best decision for the child rather than for the birth family.

In some cases the potential risk of the birth father being in contact will outweigh the benefits of keeping the child with extended family.

I have every sympathy with the situation you and your niece are in :( it must be heartbreaking to think you might lose contact with her :(

There are fostering and adoptions boards on MN, have you posted there asking for advice? I am sure there are people there with much more experience of the various options open to you now. I think I remember reading about open adoption where you would still see the child once or twice a year despite them being adopted to someone else.

I don't think anyone is saying that all children who are in care should be adopted, never mind outside their families but the situation must have been pretty grim for your niece to be removed - it is now up to them to decide what is best for her.

I've no doubt that you are a very loving aunty and could be a great carer and this must be a very painful and stressful time for you. I really feel for your situation - becky's suggestion that you post on the adoption boards is a good one.

Op has already said that her children dont have contact with her brother, so theres no reason to suggest that if she successfully adopted her niece that she would see him either.

Op, I think you are doing a wonderful thing in attempting to adopt your niece and wish you every success with it. I think that a greater distance from your brother would give you a chance to think through whether you want a realtionship with him. Y would no BU to say to him that you dont want any contact with him for the next month while you clear your head. Then take it from there.

Good luck

YANBU. All about rights but doesn't seem too concerned about his responsibilities?

It sounds like his behaviour is having a terrible effect on your whole family. It sounds like you have made every effort you can. He'll have to deal with the consequences of his actions. Do what is best for you and DC.

Well done for trying to adopt her op. I think it's the only morally defensible thing to do. I appreciate other posters are trying to be logical, but really people-put yourself in the op's position.
My niece is only 9 months old and I've only met her 3 times, but I'd put her in the centre of my family if I had to-equal with my own 3-how could I not?

Your brother spent along time being bars. what did he do? He has been judged not to able to be babies main carer and can't give her the stability she needs. They really have to put babies interests first before your brothers. Babe is THE most important thing - they don't make these decisions lightly and so I'm sure there is good reason behind his access being supervised. If you are allowed to adopt - than thats great as long as its in the best interest for babe.

from the Op

In the past two years all I've heard is
"social are being pathetic, it's my human rights to see my children, they shouldn't be able to stop me"

If there is good reason why he has been stopped from seeing this child (and if prison is part of this, it would seem that is the case), then the child being fostered/adopted within the family, would not be in the childs best interests I would have thought. :( The brother sounds like the sort who would be putting pressure on the Op (and probably other family members), which would not be an issue with an outside adoption.