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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still feel bitter 10 years after the ex left me?

16 replies

muddlinthru · 21/01/2011 13:44

At the time I was glad to seem him go as he'd had an affair (which I forgave him for as I'd been wrapped up with my new baby and 3 year old twins and hadn't had time to be much of a wife) and we'd spent a miserable year trying to get over that. Within 2 months of leaving he'd found someone else and they are still together. I hoped I'd soon find someone else but life with 3 little ones, and going back to part-time work, was hard and i had lost a lot of self esteem and confidence. I'm still single now, 10 years later. We are friendly with each other but never spend much time chatting as she is always hovering. He was always so wrapped up in her from the start that the contact between us has always been minimal - on the doorstep or via email. I miss the friendship and resent all the years with no support for the tough times with the children and no-one to share the lovely moments with. In fact I mourn the passing of my kids' early years as I was always so busy shopping or washing or working or tidying etc etc that I had no time to really enjoy them. I even find it painful looking at photos I took. I've never told the ex how I feel as I've always felt it wouldn't do any good as he is as happy as larry.

OP posts:

AnnaBubbles · 21/01/2011 13:48

Oh muddlin. I AM sorry. It sounds very hard indeed, and as you say, you had to do the hard graft with the children when they were young.

I have no advice really, except to say I am sorry you feel like this. Can you now take time for you? Does your ex have the children often? Maybe join a group that do something you love - walking/art tours whatever?

AnnaBubbles · 21/01/2011 13:49

Oh, and any chance you can go have a drink with the ex and talk about it- would it bring closure? If you are on fairly friendly terms, maybe it would help to get it out?

Maylee · 21/01/2011 13:51

YANBU. You sound very human.

I feel the same way - although it's only been 4 years since my ExH left. I especially relate to the part about mourning the early years. DS is 4.5 now but I feel devastated that I spent the past few years missing out because I was too heartbroken, working full time trying to succeed, and generally trying to put our life back together.

I agree it's not a good idea to tell him how you feel - nothing to be gained now. But you do need to work on your own self-esteem. Do you have close friends you can go for a drink with? I always find putting on a bit of lipstick, a pretty dress and having an evening out with friends revitalises me a little bit.

Hope you feel better soon.

BettyCash · 21/01/2011 13:55

muddlinthru, we all make mistakes and in moments of what feels like hindsight, can be filled with regret.

I hope you can also see that you made a good decision, full of self-respect, that showed you, your DH and your kids that no-one dserves to be cheated on. You've worked hard to look after your kids and now you can reap the rewards by enjoying the comapny of the children you love and care for. I hope you feel better soon.

ladysybil · 21/01/2011 13:57

your post is the reason why i think that people shouldnt think of an affair as a deal breaker. there are far worse things that can happen to a relationship than sex with someone else.

corlan · 21/01/2011 13:58

If it makes you feel any better muddlin I still feel bitter towards my ex after 12 years.

I take comfort in the fact that every time I see him, he's a bit fatter and a bit balder and then imagine myself smacking the tosser round his big fat red drunkards face with a baseball bat.

To be serious,it's a lot easier to deal with when you can't stand the ex.Maybe you should work on disliking him a bit more - you certainly have cause.

Chil1234 · 21/01/2011 14:00

YANBU... I often feel like the my ex, the new woman & the family they have are living the life I was meant to be living. Daft, isn't it? You're bound to compare your life with his, especially as you haven't been able to find a new partner yet. Takes a lot of courage and more than a little luck to get out there and meet someone new to experience that friendship and make some new special moments but it is possible. Good luck

Emo76 · 21/01/2011 14:02

ladysybil do you speak from experience?

OP now your children are older I hope you get to spend a bit more time on yourself, and get to meet someone new.

deardot · 21/01/2011 14:32

Yanbu

I hope you find someone with a heart of gold, a cock the size of a cucumber and a few million in the bank to make up for it.

kepler10b · 21/01/2011 14:47

yanbu. i still harbour feelings of bitterness to an ex who finally left after a long affair and then cut off all contact with me. that was 10 years ago too.

i know i should let go of the resentful feelings paricularly as i have a new partner who loves me very much. horrible isn't it?

mommmmyof2 · 21/01/2011 15:10

I think what makes things hard is the fact, most of us get married and have children thinking we will share all our lives together and that means watching our children grow up.

I can only imagine how hard that would be as I have sometimes thought what would happen if me and dh were to split, could we still be friends!

And with some people they can be but it can't be easy for you watching him happy.It would do you some goo though to go out and get back a bit of confidence.If you were more happy with yourself maybe you would not resent what he has so much.

Good luck, hope you feel better soon

mole1 · 21/01/2011 15:19

I still feel bitter towards ex-h 6 years later - I think it's completely understandable to feel regret and pain years later. I completely understand how you feel even though I am happily re-married.

With me, ex-h was violent and abusive for years and has never apologised in any way. I don't feel like he has ever really suffered from what he did, but perhaps I am wrong. Now he is still being difficult over contact and money. It never seems to stop.

Original poster

muddlinthru · 21/01/2011 15:33

Thanks so much for all your posts. It's my first time on here and I was amazed at the response. I wish I'd discovered this site years ago! It's really comforting hearing that others have had similar experiences and understand what I'm feeling. I do have lots of lovely friends, who are supportive, but are all happily married and can't empathise that much. They all say that I've been too accommodating over the years and if it had been their husband they would have given him a hard time! But I never wanted to cause any upset for my kids, and so far they have turned out to be happy, balanced individuals.
Thanks again for your thoughts, and words of encouragement. I really appreciate it xx

OP posts:

monkeyflippers · 21/01/2011 16:09

he'd had an affair (which I forgave him for as I'd been wrapped up with my new baby and 3 year old twins and hadn't had time to be much of a wife)

Please stop blaming yourself! If he had been a better husband and had been there helping you with the children then you would have had more time to be a "better wife". It is no excuse for his afair.

I can't help but think that if you stop blaming yourself for what happened and start making him (in your head at least) take responsibility then you can move on a bit. I'm sure it must have been him that told you that that was the reason he had his afair and that's just not fair.

You sound like a really great and selfless mum. It's a shame that in those first few years you didn't tell him then that you weren't able to find time to enjoy your children because of the amount of things that needed doing as a single mum, and so made him take on some of the weight of the job.

You need to also work on you self esteem and get out meeting people etc. Do you have access to babysitting help?

ladysybil · 21/01/2011 17:30

emo, sadly, yes.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 21/01/2011 19:08

Saw a saying yesterday that really got me thinking...

'Don't let yesterday fill today'

It applies to many situations I've been in, your situation and I'm sure so many experiences people have been through.

We can all be so hard on ourselves and go over and over things that have happened. It's far easier said than done but when you can't change something, i.e you can't turn back time and have your little ones early years ago, it isn't worth spending time torturing yourself over it.

Would it be worth seeing a therapist for a session or two, sometimes just an outside perspective on something can really, really help.

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