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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be really annoyed at my parents advice...

22 replies

ButterPieify · 21/01/2011 01:38

..."the main thing to remember when your kids are at school is that they must not stand out in any way. You don't want them to be talking about shakespere when everyone else is talking about x factor."

Really?!?!?! This was offered out of nowhere, I think they are worried about the fact that we take our kids to museums and read poetry to them.

My family seem to think I am a terrible snob for being determined to introduce my kids to culture, and that it is pointless anyway, as we aren't rich. apparently it will only encourage my children to mix with people who have things that we can't afford.

am I a terrible snob? Or is this an incredibly sad way to bring up children?

OP posts:

Tortington · 21/01/2011 01:43

sad, but depending on the area you live in - it is what it is

as long as your kids can throw a punch and keep up with current tripe on tv as well as watching x factor - no problem

BitOfFun · 21/01/2011 01:44

I think you are are doing a great thing for your kids. But don't let them miss out on what their peers are doing either. Heat to Heidegger and cover all bases.

Original poster

ButterPieify · 21/01/2011 01:53

They watch cbeebies, they have Toy Story toys, they just also get told Greek myths sometimes and go on day trips to Roman forts. If DD1 asks a question, we look it up in a book with her. all very normal stuff, I thought.

I would say we are pretty mainstream tbh, but my family act like we are hothousing or something.

I was ridiculed for trying to get the kids to eat at a table rather than on laps in front of the tv. I'm not strict, TV dinners are good sometimes, but they need to at least know how to eat at a table!

OP posts:

Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 01:54

I think children deserve a rich mix of both 'culture & crap' in their diets. It's finding the perfect balance which is the problem.

Deciduousblonde · 21/01/2011 01:56

I had the opposite problem with food, ButterPieify.

My FIL took the children out to McDonalds. No problem there. But when my daughter was eating chicken nuggets in front of the TV with her fingers he was appalled.

I just didn't get it...

makemineamojito · 21/01/2011 03:35

What, teach your children to be exactly like everyone else? To follow the crowd? Sounds horrendous, and I wouldn't have wanted my parents to have brought me up like that. I'm sure your children wouldn't appreciate it either when they're trying to make their mark on the world but have been told they mustn't stand out. Do what you instinctively feel is right for your children and don't listen to anyone else, be they your parents or not.

TheSkiingGardener · 21/01/2011 06:07

YANBU

How odd not to be pleased your children are being introduced to a broad range of experience. How else will they be able to choose what interests them. Fair enough, a talking knowledge of X factor probably will help them fit in at school, but having a knowledge of Greek myths won't mean they walk in with a big badge saying "don't talk to me I've heard of Sophocles"

Sounds to me like you're doing a great job and the grandparents have no ambition beyond being like everyone else. What a shame.

Chil1234 · 21/01/2011 07:07

YANBU on the face of it. But I was raised by ambitious, not-rich parents that wanted us to experience culture, not watch 'common' TV, speak without an accent, not behave roughly and so forth. Not a bad thing in itself but, for my entire time at a rough-ish primary school in Manchester I was bullied for being 'a posh swot' and made few friends.

camdancer · 21/01/2011 07:16

YANBU as long as they get to experience lots of different things with no value judgements. You may feel that x-factor is rubbish saying "I don't like it", that's fine. But don't say "people like us don't like it" or sweeping statements like "it's rubbish". Remember that the greek myths and Shakespeare were popular culture once also!

As sad as it is, fitting in at school is important but so is getting a rounded education. It's a fine line to walk.

onceamai · 21/01/2011 07:21

I think you are getting some good advice here. I think the old analogy about good and bad wine holds too - you can't appreciate the good unless you have experienced the bad; likewise you don't know if you like foreign food unless you are prepared to try it.

chillichill · 21/01/2011 07:52

I was raised in a mix of classical music and classic rock, musicals, Greek mythology, museums, ballet, etc, and I loved it. I didn't like being like everyone else. I found kids I had something in common with at every school I went to.
and as o grew up I appreciated more and more the education I got at home. your doing the right thing for your kids.

cory · 21/01/2011 08:02

A rich mix sounds good enough for me. Obsessively raising your kids to fit in with their current crowd ignores the fact that most people don't spend their entire lives with the people they went to infants with. If I had been the perfect fit for my secondary I would have stuck out like a sore thumb at university. Which has been a far larger part of my life.

What I myself have tried to do is to raise children who are flexible and tolerant and can enjoy a bit of everything without too much judginess either way.

All right, I possibly did wear the badge "don't talk to me I've heard of Sophocles" (lol at camdancer) - but my dd doesn't, despite being far better read than I was at her age.

Ds is admittedly going through a bit of a rebellious stage atm rejecting anything cultural for fear of standing out, but I think in the long run the mix will stand him in good stead.

As for having to be rich to be allowed to enjoy culture- that leaves most writers out then, most artists too I imagine, not a few researching academics and a fair few actors.

RunawayFishWife · 21/01/2011 08:03

X factor is for plebs

YANBU

usualsuspect · 21/01/2011 08:09

If you deliberately make your kids different ...they will rebel big time, nothing wrong with a bit of shite tele, nothing wrong with visits to museums ...its all about balance

EauRouge · 21/01/2011 08:10

I agree that a mix is a good idea! My dad is a classical musician and we were never allowed pop music in the house (apart from the Michael Jackson one my mum sneakily gave me). I always remember being the only one at the primary school disco that didn't know any of the songs.

Of course I survived but at the time it was fairly rubbish. And I hate classical music now

My DD is only 2 but I want her to feel like she has something in common with her peers even if that means putting up with some shitty boy band.

whatdoiknowanyway · 21/01/2011 08:23

Sounds like you're doing fine.
We don't watch X factor or similar. Not because we're snobs(at least I don't think so ) but because they genuinely don't interest us. I took a long time to realise what a cultural phenomenon X Factor was as it simply bypassed me.

I was brought up eating off our laps but my kids have always eaten at the table. I pick them up if they speak sloppily (as my parents did to me) and their friends do sometimes call them posh but rarely and usually with a bit of respect and affection.

I agree a good mix is needed (our family needs E4 to function as well as more 'worthy' media sources).
Main thing is you enjoy what you're doing with your kids and they enjoy it too.

OhYouBadBadKitten · 21/01/2011 08:29

some children just don't want to watch x-factor and stuff. I encouraged dd watch it (and things like HSM (when she was younger) but it just doesnt interest her at all. She has her own very definite tastes that are quite out of step with her peers. Her choice. But she can talk Top Gear with the best of them

TeethandVelvet · 21/01/2011 08:36

YANBU. Agree with other posters about getting a mix.

Since when did eating at a table become 'posh' though? Growing up I didn't know anyone who was allowed to eat off their laps? It wasn't posh to eat at a table...it was what it was there for.

Original poster

ButterPieify · 21/01/2011 10:51

I remember one little girl coming round to play, and she asked if she could get down from the table. We were dumbstruck- we were only eating at the table because we knew she was posh, we had never even heard of asking to leave it!

Bear in mind that my Dad is the one that watched me chop and roast veg and mix it with cous cous when I had friends coming round, then I caught him trying to put it in the bin before anyone arrived because apparently people don't come to parties to eat vegetables.

My Dad also refused to use DD1s name until she was about two, as he was worried he would sound poncey saying such a weird name. She is called Marianne. To me, that is pretty normal.

We did get to hear classical music (Dad in a brass band), and we did get to go to museums if they were free (mum worked nights so we had to be out of the house) so we weren't culturally deprived, but being aspirational in any way was definitely frowned upon.

They are horrified that we might bring our kids up to be "weird", although tbh they have despaired for our children since I got pregnant, for reasons as varied as we might let them mix with friends who are gay to we might try to teach them latin. These are all tantamount to pasting a "kick me" sign to the kids and sending them to school.

Don't even get me started on the alarm when we started looking into anything other than the nearest non-catholic state primary!

OP posts:

RunnerHasbeen · 21/01/2011 10:56

The only problem this might cause is if you make it clear that the other behaviours are inferior in some way. Kids will get picked on for looking down their noses and acting as if they are better than their friends. There is a huge difference between a child who simply likes classical music and one that thinks they are better for liking it. Perhaps your parents feel like you are looking down on them or criticising your upbringing - I wouldn't turn this into a "who is better" fight, as that can only end in tears.

Original poster

ButterPieify · 21/01/2011 11:11

No, we don't give any value judgements- just, eg, when we are dancing about, some of the music is classical, some is jazz, some is pop, some is folk, etc. When we are playing Roman Soldiers, sometimes they use Latin words. We try to teach the proper names as well as the nicknames for parts of the body. (Leading to me getting laughed at for my 3yo saying she has food in her stomach)

OP posts:

wheresmejumper · 21/01/2011 11:22

I understand where your coming from. I am seen as the "odd one" in my family. My sisters kids are a little bit more 'boisterous' if that is the right word, than my son. But they are great kids and all have a fab personality. My DS goes to a private Irish school where obviously they seak exclusively in Irish. He goes to library, museum, cultural events. I encourage it. But he loves Ben 10 as much as the next boy.

I think that our parents are miffed by this because its not what they did and its almost as if we are saying that the way they raised us isnt good enough. Obviously thats not true cos I turned out fab!

I think a healthy mix is the way to go. I disagree with the poster who says that the XFactor is for plebs. There is a place for popular culture as well as the classics and I think that it is snobbish for anyone not to see that.

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