Divorce and custody

[sandraperil]

Divorce is no longer divorce especially if you have a child/children.
I tried to start a new life away from my ex husbands influence and stalking. For this I have now been penalised by the courts and now have lost custody of my 9 year old disabled son.
The judge said I was wrong in trying to "normalise" my sons life but my ex was right in "embracing " his disability. My ex treats him as a 3 year old he still spoon feeds him and carries him everywhere. He managed to convince the court that he (a 63 yr old man)could care for a 9 year old Downs Syndrome child.
Well he has now had full custody for 4 months and already the state is picking up the bill for the judges decision. My ex needs 2 care workers to help him in the home even though in my care my son could dress, wash and feed himself quite capably and we never needed additional state help.
This is all the more galling under the present cuts when other severly disabled children really need this help.

Surely those with Downs Syndrome should be encouraged to be as normal as possible, they lead full and enriching lives in the right circumstances, some even marry.

It takes a lot for someone to lose custody, it is not just about care for a disabled child.

I don't know what to say.
If you moved away without telling your ex so that he was prevented from having contact with your son in breach of a court order then yes, the court can do what you say. If your ex is caring for him then that is good surely? What is wrong with accessing care workers if that is available to him?
Do you have contact?

I have never stopped my ex seeing his son, in fact as i moved 60 miles away he was offered more contact, but he said no as he cannot control me when i am 60 miles away. He has put our son in a ARB which is against the direct advice of one of the leading Downs Syndrome experts in the country.
As I divorced my ex for domestic violence and he is insisting i pick up my son from his home i no longer have contact.

Do you feel that your ex has done all this because he really does care for your son or was trying to make a point.

He must care to take on the responsibilty, even with carers helping him.But I agree that your child should be treated equally and maybe not like a baby.

I really don't know what to say. My own experiences with the family courts have been unbelievable.

Have you tried an appeal? Taken advice from your solicitor? Can you obtain evidence now that would help your case? I assume you can contact your son's school? Could they provide supporting evidence of regression?

I have a very little bit of experience of working with disabled children and all I ever observed were staff that encouraged the children to live as independent a life as they could achieve. All the guidelines are that they should be encouraged too. And all the disabled people I have ever known / worked with wanted to crack on with a "normal" life and wouldn't have thanked anyone for treating them differently.

It sounds as though this will be a long slow haul for you. I'm so sorry. All I can say is keep going and I hope it works out...

why did you lose custody?

My solicitor was useless, didnt really try to win the case.
My ex has done it for the money ie benefits as he has no pension provision and he wants to retire.
The school are no help as they agree that my son should be in the ARB as to put him in main stream is to much hassle for them. They are not even teaching him life skills. He is in a room with 9 other children and 2 of those have life threatening diseases and others have behaviour problems, which my son hasnt. All he does all day at school is play. He has regressed so much.
My son was used to visiting his dad not living with him, and doing all the nice things, not daily living which is a hell of a lot harder. My ex doesnt like to use the word "no" to his son as he doesnt want to be seen as the bad parent.
My ex and the judge both said that my son needed routine, so what does he do but totally disrupt my sons routine by giving my ex sole custody.

I lost custody because I wanted my son to have a normal life as possible. The judge said I didnt acknowledge his disability whereas his dad did.

I think this is too complex to discuss on a public forum to be honest, as there must have been much more to it than that which cant really be said here.

My ex has double standards.
My son attends Cub Scouts where he has achieved most of his badges. He does all the activities that they do. I enrolled him in this and he started as a beaver. His dad boasts about how well he does in Cubs and what he learns, but he doesnt accept the fact that his son should be in a main stream achool. He pushes him around town in a trike although he can ride a bike with stabalisers. He still has him in a child seat whereas for the last 2 years I had him in a booster seat in the car. He is now to tall and heavy for the seat he has him in therefore its more dangerous in a accident.

It would be great if we could hear the other side to this story as a switch in residence is rare and your story doesn't quite add up to me' (sorry)

Why are you not having contact? What were you given?

Does the order state anything about collections/drop offs?

And how do you know all this if you don't have contact?

I may be getting mixed messages here, but you seem to be very well informed on what goes on between your son and his dad, which would seem at odds with the fact your are trying to keep away from him.

How long is it since you and your husband split up? It seems a shame that you cant reconcile your differences for the sake of your son. I dont mean get back together, but just work together.

Maybe you could try going to another solicitor? They are not all the same. Shop around and see what you can come up with. I think it may be worth having a try. They cost a lot of money so don't be afraid to ditch one if you are not getting value for money.

What contact do you have with your son now? You'd probably need to demonstrate radical change in the way you had come across in court the first time round in order to change the order. Whether you are right or wrong the judges expect you to do things their way.

I know you'll probably be unhappy with me saying this - but do you really think he would cope in a mainstream school? At his age my girl was debating views on religions etc and starting maths equations. Could he realistically take full part in lessons? I have no clue what he is mentally capable of but my observations of a child with severe autism who was in my girl's class in junior school were that he was taken out of most lessons in years 5 & 6 as he could not manage the work and was becoming increasingly stressed. He then worked on his own with a classroom assistant, who was only part time. His parents (mom is my friend and shared her worries about him with me) took him out of school and got him into a specialist unit where there were adequate staff who were specially trained to cater for his needs.

I'm no expert but I reckon your boy needs appropriate time with appropriate people. I totally understand that you want him to lead a normal life but mainstream schooling may not be right. My daughter is 13 and I assure you that the work has got more and more demanding as she gets older! We're into chemistry experiments, esssays and three languages now. She struggles at times because of the pressure. She's not particularly clever and has to work hard to achieve. Hormones kick in at around 10 or so as well and add a whole new dimension.

However it doesn't sound as though he has the right provision now. Endless play is simply not appropriate. My experience of people with Down's is largely of those in a special needs school. They were taught life skills and went on to have jobs and were largely very happy.

It's understandable that you want to protect yourself from your ex but maybe you need to bite the bullet and try and establish better terms with him for your son's sake. If he is struggling then it's better that he can ask for your help so your son doesn't suffer. The roles are completely reversed now and your ex will be understanding more about the role you play in your son's life.

Your contact HAS to be balanced, stable and appropriate though. Courts take a very dim view of people who don't comply with their orders! Do absolutely everything you can to comply with the order and you will find it easier to change in the future. Fight it and you will slim your chances.

Hope this helps a bit...