Constantly fighting with mum even though all she does is help

[PeanutButter99]

I'm not really sure what I want for you guys but here goes.
DS is 6 months old and I was back to work after 3 months. Mum and dad have been great and help with childcare a few days a week so we don't need a creche. Mum even changed 2 of her days to back shifts so she could look after DS.
She was great after I gave birth and went there to live as I was in terrible pain and needed looking after. She helps me with my housework and is generally fantastic.
Work is getting really busy and I'm going to be working alll the hours so I'll be relying on mum to help.
It was my birthday yesterday and spent a lovely day with DH and DS, then left DS with mum so me and DH could have a night together.
Spent the evening crying.
Started a fight when I went to drop off DS as he was tired and wouldn't bf and mum was like 'give him to me and i'll give him a bottle. He's always good with me. I'll sort him out.' Every time she says things like that I get really little angry. He's my child! I only bf morning and night and DS doesn't bf well when he's tired and lately I only get to him when he is. I'm trying to get a proper bedtime routine but I always get stuck at mums when I pick him up and don't get home til much later.
DH keeps asking what is wrong and I don't know what to tell him.
OMG, eyes filling up as I write this and I'm in work.......

:(

It's only natural that you feel upset - it sounds like you're not getting any fun time with DS any more really.

How are you feeling generally?

You sound strung out Peanut, could you be feeling a little bit depressed? Working when you have a small child is very hard and tiring and is probably wearing you out which is making you much more sensitive to your mother's comments. To be honest I think what she said about giving him the bottle was a bit insensitive as it implies that she can handle him but you can't which of course is going to make you feel like rubbish. Do you feel quite out of control in this situation?

Was going to reply but filling up again.
Going to get some lunch first.

I went through this with my wife. she used to BF but at nights we would give the baby a bottle so that I could help and she could get her rest.

My wife would get really upset because she felt i would take over when she sometimes had difficulty BF.

I would recomend talking to your mum. expalin that you understand that she is trying to help but this is your time with baby.

(not sure if this would help coming form a man, but i hope its similar to what your are going through).

I couldn't leave this unanswered so here goes... Firstly I think you are probably exhausted and this maybe making you a bit close to tears. Its really hard when you are so close to your mum to sometimes have some boundries and not take things personally.
I suspect your mum was just trying to help you and give you a night off. Don't read so much into it. She probably thinks you are a fab mum but just relishes in the fact that she is close to her GS.
Just remember that she is there to help and you probably get stuck there because she is telling you all about her day (my mum does this!!)
If it really is worrying you have a chat to your mum about getting away a bit quicker with the promise of meeting her for lunch etc another day.
I hope that you stop feeling so down and maybe go out with your mum, just the two of you, will hopefully help.

What she's saying sounds like she's trying to reassure you that your DS is fine with her and she has everything under control.

But of course as his mum it's difficult letting someone else do that for your lad and feeling that perhaps he is OK with her.

But that's just when he's with her, and you're his mum, he knows that

I agree with fliss that could there be other underlying things that are making you feel like this?

You need to tell your DH, he sounds like he cares and wants to support you (at least he's noticed you're not on top form and has asked, that's a really good start).

Let him

I have been in a similar situation. I feel for you.

Can you explain your exhaustion and tearfulness to your GP. It is possible that he could sign you off work for a little while so you can rest.
Your Mum is clearly doing a great job supporting you and your family but you are probably battling with a strong desire to be doing these things for your ds yourself.
Can you try to calmly explain to her that you are ds mother and it makes you feel left out when you get so little time with ds. Let her know you appreciate her support and that you know she has been fantastic but that you are finding it very hard to be away from him. Can you ask her to let you do things for ds when you are there.
Would it be possible to manipulate his routine on his days with your Mum so that he has had a small nap before you collect him. That way you will have better quality time with him and he might manage to settle to feed better.
Good luck.

It would help a lot if you could ask your mum to have DS ready so that you can take him straight home the second you arrive at your mum's. You need that time together alone with DS - or with your husband - and you also need to do whatever bedtime routines you find helpful.

Tell your DH what is wrong - he needs to know and maybe he can help you to distinguish what is unhelpful stuff from your mum, from when you are being over sensitive.

TBH it sounds like you have too much on your plate at the moment.

Sounds like stress is taking its toll, you are clearly suffering from some form of depression.

Why not just say to Mum, Im going to just nip in and take him straight away when I collect him so I can get into a routine at home. Then when he is settled at home ring her for a chat on how he has been.

No point alienating your mother without her where would you be? She is only trying to help.

Definitely tell DH how you feel.

Can you ask your mum to have DS ready to go for when you pick him up, so that you don't get stuck there for ages? Nappy changed, snowsuit on, ready to go in the car seat.

Can she try and get him off for a nap so that he's not so tired when you get to him (easier said than done, I know) so that he bfs more easily?

he is your child, but your mum is doing half the parenting, so stands to reason she should think she is entitled to put her 2p in when it comes to settling him

you cant have it all ways unfortunately

you want your parents to do half the work, but not have a say????

I think deep down you are jealous of the relationship your mother has with your child, you are worried that she is a better mother to your baby than you are, and you are taking it out on her.

Maria, if the mum has agreed to help the OP with childcare, that doesn't mean she's in a position of authority to know better than the babys mum.

I know GPs are different to CM and nursery staff, but I wouldn't expect them to tell the mum what to do with the baby either.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. :) I've had some lunch and feel a bit better.
I don't think I'm depressed. This teary thing is only a new development!
I think at the moment it's just the sheer anount of work I have to do with fast approaching deadlines. I was in work on Sunday and left DS with mum. DH plays golf on Sunday. I'm the breadwinner in the house so 3 months maternity was all I could take and time off is not an option.
I think the problem is that when my parents and DH look after DS it's fun time. When I have him I'm working from home (Mondays). The weekends are ok. It's my house that suffers then .
DH has DS on Thursdays and his sister is off that day so he takes DS to see her and her DD. His other sister is now off an maternity for 9 months so they have a 'Thursday club'. Another reason to feel upset when I have no reson to be.
I think all I need is some proper sleep. DS not sleeping well at moment.
So I think the answer is to take DS home from parents as quick as I can without offending anyone. On Tuesday mum and dad are both there. On wednesday and friday mum is already away to work so it's just dad, unless I'm still there when sister gets home from work and then she wants a cuddle and a play!
I think I'm just being overly sensitive. I need to get January over in work and hopefully things will be ok. And I need to stop shouting at mum. She always gets the brunt of my moods.

I feel sorry for your mum, she sounds lovely and is doing everything she can to help you.

It is not the end of the world that your baby settles with a bottle for your mum.

Yes he is your child so maybe you might like to re-think your going back to work so soon and then there would be no issue with your mum looking after him

RFW my mum so wonderful and helpful and I'd rather DS went to bed full with a bottle than hungry. Not going to work is not an option I'm afaid. I think I need to take D2 advice and go out with mum, just her and me.
Provincallady DH is very good at letting me know when I'm being over sensitive. He is the voice of reason!
Fabbychic you have it spot on.
Agent thanks for taking on Maria for me :)

Agree with the majority here, the nap sounds good. What about her taking him for a pram walk before you arrive so he's at least rested if he hasn't slept.

Peanut

I don't have any advice re your mum. However I went back to work when DD was six weeks old (pt, full time when she was 10 weeks old) and at around the same stage you are at now (even a bit before when she was 5 months+) I started to find everything a massive struggle and frequently cried.

IMHO you need to be gentle on yourself and realise that it takes this long for hormones to settle down so being "oversensitive" (or how you previously perceived oversensitive) is totally normal, especially when, because you are working, your life has ostensibly 'gone back to normal'. It's also tiring worrying about a lo constantly and having to stay on top of work. Life can be a bit of a strain and full of worries and ups and downs.

That's all really. Hope you manage to find a solution to your particular problem.

Poor you, Peanut, I really feel for you. Its hard when you are under so much pressure - from work, your wish to be a good mother to DS, running the house etc. It gets to the point where you are stressed about everything and exhausted and never seem to have a moment to relax or have fun. I have been there myself (in fact I go there often)!
I think you know you are very lucky to have such a helpful mother. I wouldn't get upset at her comment - it sounds to me like she was trying to be reassuring, even if she was a bit clumsy in the way she did it.
A suggestion you might like to consider (will probably get flamed for this, but don't care) is giving up bf'ing. You've done really well to keep it up for 3 months after going back to work but it is just adding to the pressures on you. Sounds to me as though life would be rather easier if you didn't have to try to squeeze this in.

You're knackered and stressed.

Talk to your mum about how you feel and say sorry for snapping at her. If you just let her know what the problem is she can be on your side.

Things will get easier though

I do feel sorry for you.

It is hard going back so early (I went back when dd was teh same age) and there is a settling down period.

Well done for carrying on BF.

You do need to make sure that you can leave your mother's straight away, to establish some sort of routine, and also to rest yourself, as you are probably knackered.

Why not try to sit down with your mum and say 'I will stay late on Thursday (for instance), but on Tuesday and Wednesday i will need to just collect the baby and go. Say you are very thankful but that you want to establish a home routine.

And your DP can give up the Sunday golf, at least in the short term, to do his share with the housework and so you can catch up on sleep. That is the least he can do whilst you are feeling so delicate.

You will get through this and it will be easier, I promise.

I also gave up BF when I went back to work, tbh.