Am I being oversensitive? Family issues.

[Pinkjenny]

I am an only child, and really, my extended family (those we see regularly) only consists of my aunty, my two cousins who are 12 and 24, my nan and grandad and my parents.

My aunty's dh left her when my 12 year old cousin was 2, and my grandparents, who are now in their 70s, have taken a huge role in my cousin's upbringing. My aunt works long, full time hours, and my grandparents go to her house every day, to meet her from school, and have being her full time childcare since my cousin was 3 months old, when my aunt went back to work.

While my cousin was little, we all spent loads and loads of time at my aunt's (huge) house - I would say twice a month we were there for Sunday dinner. My mum and dad went on holiday with my aunt and my cousins, and everyone really supported her. My aunt is a very successful business woman, lots of disposable income, and a real 'lifestyle' person. My 12 year old cousin was a 'surprise', she only ever intended to have one child. I think, really, now my cousin is older, she is done with all that.

Which brings me to the issue. I feel totally excluded from my extended family. Despite us having spent a huge amount of time together when my cousin was little, she barely ever invites anyone over any more, as obviously my cousins and my aunt do their own thing. It's never really been a problem, and I understand her child-rearing days are over. I get the impression she doesn't want a 3.5yo and a 1yo wrecking her house and disrupting her weekend.

But lately, well, I'm starting to feel a little excluded. She arranges family events (which always take place at her house as it's the largest) at 6pm, when our bedtime routine starts. My cousin's birthday is on Friday - she is finishing work early, but not inviting people until 6pm, when she knows damn well that we can't make it. My dd worships my cousin, and I am rightly or wrongly, a bit pissed off that it feels a little pointed. It might not be, though she hasn't told me of these arrangements, only my mum.

I realise that she was a single parent, but she has remained in the bosom (!) of all of us whilst my cousin has grown up, and I am a little hacked off that no one seems to be interested in involving themselves in my dc lives and upbringing. She has probably seen my ds about five times in his entire life. Particularly as I am an only child, and no one in my immediate family is at the same stage of life as me, I feel a bit lonely, and a bit left out. And I feel a bit like my ds are seen as a bit of a pita, which is probably true

So, AIBU?

YANBU to want to see more of your cousin but YABU not to make more of an effort yourself. If you'd like to see your cousin at a time to suit your routine why not invite them over to your house for Sunday lunch or something? Or take up the 6pm invitation. Your children aren't going to suffer from a one-off night out and slight change to their schedule

6pm isn't really an odd time to have a family birthday gathering- your aunt has to accommodate the other guests as well and perhaps Friday evening was the time which allowed most people to commit to going?

Chil1234 - yes, I see what you're saying.

dinosaurkisses - there aren't any other guests - it's just my parents and my nan and grandad.

6pm isnt an odd time, my ds routine starts at 7 but i would delay it/change it for a one off like that. If she didnt want you there she would change it to 8pm surely. so in my opinion YABU

I agree, I could be being totally paranoid about this party thing, it's more about the general lack of interest shown in my dc.

I understand your need for your extended family and think that you need to be more flexible and proactive. I wouldn't have thought 6pm too late when dc were younger, they would just have gone to bed later.

Why does she always arrange the events? Can't you invite the family over to yours at the weekend?

If she really does want to keep all the events at her house can you ask her to arrange them at the weekend sometimes when your dc will be able to appreciate them more.

I have a brother, SIL and small nephew who live miles away. We all have busy lives and we don't get together so often unless we make a big effort. If we wanted to see it as a 'snub' to each other's children we could easily do so. As it is, we know we care about each other even if we're not living in each other's pockets or on the telephone all the time. As I say... make the effort, invite her to your house. If she keeps turning you down then maybe you can say she's not interested.

I think you ABU - a bit anyway. You sound like my SIL. Try and see it from your Aunt's point of view.

She may be thinking - "why do I always have to invite them round here, why can't they invite me to their house. Its always me who has to clean up before they come and then tidy away when they leave."

Also as your Aunt works, 6pm is a reasonable time. Yes she is leaving work early, but she probably wants to tidy up and prepare for the party. I know in her situation I would try and leave work early enough to prepare for the party and for it not be a mad rush.

Two young children can easily go to bed a bit later. You need to compromise as well and not expect everyone else to always fit in with what suits you.

Why dont you call her and say you cant make the evening thing as your kids will be in bed, but you'd love to see them and so would they like to come for sunday lunch at your house next weekend?

I have tried that a few times, organised a few functions at my house, and whilst my aunt is a wonderful host, she's a terrible guest, as she feels very much like that is her role in the family.

Aah it's difficult isn't it? Because if you had a larger extended family, it would seem less noticeable.

I think dynamics change over time too which makes things difficult. Especially considering that the responsibilities shift. For example, despite living far away, we saw a lot of our cousins growing up and seemed very close to our aunts and uncles. Now that we're older it's very different and it's due to many different factors. Relationships have broken down and people have got divorced and their perspectives and commitments have changed. I think once upon a time our grandparents were very instrumental in arranging all these family get togethers as the the heads of the family but now they're older, they're deservedly taking a step back. The responsibilities are ours now I suppose and I think largely we're busier and spreading ourselves thinner and while we still all love each other, we're noticing more and more that it's the big things like marriages and funerals that force us to see more of each other. And we say it shouldn't be that way and it shouldn't of course but family units evolve. You grow up, you see more of friends than you did, your lives seem packed and busy, you seem to grow wings away from the family and really it takes somebody somewhere to be the one making that collossal effort to bring everybody back together.

I'd wager your family have no idea you feel this way. Their priorities are what they are, you can't change that. Your aunt probably needed that family involvement so much when your cousin was little as it was instrumental in the way your cousin was brought up. There was a large focus on it. Now your cousin is growing up and is branching out and I think they see you coping, with lots of friends, dh's family, your mum's continued involvement etc and I bet you any money they don't think you're missing the family being as close as they were.

You feel bad for ds and dd, that I do understand. It's not fair. Because your cousin needed her extended family (they had to provide childcare for example) and it was necessity forcing the closeness. You don't "need" it in the same way. Your lives are busy, the children looked after, everything seems fine.

What does your mum say? Does she notice it too?

I don't know what the answer is. Definitely go to the 6pm thing. Sod the routine for a night. Speak up. Say "the children would love to see more of you" or "let's arrange when we'll all see each other again". You do your best, you show that you want and need them to be involved and then they have to put in the effort too.

You have a bigger extended family than you know. They're just not blood related. Remember that too. Lots of people adore those dc of yours.

My mum feels much the same way, tbh. She remembers the amount of support and attention she has provided for my aunt and both of my cousins, and doesn't feel the same level of interest is shown in my dc. She is feeling a bit vulnerable about it, I think.

I think you are right, SOH. They do see me coping (although said aunt just loves slagging me off for taking up so much of my mum's time), and see that I have lots of friends. But I don't need the support, necessarily. I just want it. Both for myself and for dd and ds. I feel like they are the family nuisance, tbh. Which I find devastating.

Perhaps you are being a bit over-sensitive but I think lots of people in a similar position would feel left out too.

On Friday why not tell your DS that as it's his big cousin's birthday he is going to have an afternoon nap so he can stay up late to help celebrate it. Your DD could be put down for a nap too. Take night clothes, travel cot and inflatable bed thing for your DCs, let them be part of the celebrations for a while and then settle them somewhere in your Aunt's enormous home. When it's time to go home pack up bedding/beds/small people and depart. You've all been able to celebrate and, on the off-chance that 6pm was chosen especially to exclude you (it probably wasn't!) you'll have shown that having DCs of your own doesn't make you any less a part of the family.

Cultivating portable children can be quite useful for occasions such as this. It does depend upon the DCs though...

Thanks SE13Mummy - I can see that I sound a bit silly and spoilt. Just had a lovely chat with my cousin, who lives in the Isle of Man. My mum's brother and his wife moved over there when she was 4yo. We are a month apart in age, and she has dc also.

It helped, especially as she understands all the personalities involved.