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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disgusted and ashamed of my mum's silblings?

28 replies

hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 20:02

Short back story - My mum had an uncle who had lived all his life in yorkshire, actually in the same house for 70 years. He was her dad's brother, and for as long as I can remember(I'm 38)and for many years before that, he always came to visit for two weeks in the summer and 1-2 weeks at christmas.
During the last 8 years or so, there had been a growing attitude from my mum's 4 brothers and sisters that they didn't want him staying with them, ruining their family christmas, blah,blah. My mum never felt like this, so consequently, he stayed with her. This uncle was one of the kindest, loveliest people you could meet.Easygoing, happy to go along with whatever you were doing or not doing. My sister, myself and my mum loved seeing him, as did our children.
Sadly, he died last week, having had a heart attack on the way home. My mum and one of her sisters spent the last two weeks back and forth between west sussex and london, and eventually were told there was nothing that could be done.
This is the part I'm disgusted and so fucking angry about. My mum went up to yorkshire with said sister, talked to other relatives and his best friend of many years. They agreed he would want to be cremated and have his ashes put with his parents. Rest of family told this was what was going to happen. Other sister decides that it would be better to cremate down here in sussex, away from where he's lived and the people he spent the majority of his life with. It's decided to 'vote' on it, and my mum is the only one who sticks with yorkshire. These people could not give a shit about him when he was alive, and now can't be arsed to make one trip to yorkshire to respect what a dead man would have wanted. You can be sure they won't refuse their share from his house being sold - they are the only five named in the will. Iam so sad that there is not much I can do, I haven't spoken to my mum yet, so not sure where the ashes are going, better be yorkshire! Rant over.

OP posts:
thefurryone · 19/01/2011 20:14

YANBU that sounds pretty crap of the other relatives.

Perhaps you & your Mum could organise some kind of memorial service up in Yorkshire when his ashes are put with his parents so people there could pay their respects?

mincenmash · 19/01/2011 20:15

YANBU I'm sorry to hear that you have lost this special person in your life. I would definitely feel the same as you. Life is full of unfairness and one can only hope that whatever happens he is in a better place now. Did he not have anything in his will about where he would have liked to be laid to rest.

lalalonglegs · 19/01/2011 20:16

It doesn't sound very fair. Have they seen the will? People often specify their funeral plans in that so there may be hope yet.

If not, and if your mother feels able to, she could arrange a memorial service in Yorkshire so that all his friends can attend and possibly ashes could be scattered afterwards?

Sorry, deaths/wills often bring out the worst in people.

ILoveItWhenYouCallMeBoo · 19/01/2011 20:18

YADefNBU

so so sorry for your loss. how selfish of your aunts and uncles. what are ther reasons for refusing to go with his wishes? if i was your mum i would take his ashes back to his home place and scatter them where his parents are.

ddubsgirl · 19/01/2011 20:19

sorry for your loss,familys really do suck,when my dad died everything i said he wanted was dimissed and only thing that was done how wanted was to be buried with my mum & his 1st wife.

Adversecamber · 19/01/2011 20:21

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hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 20:22

My mum has seen the will, nothing specified, but really, you're not going to want to be buried a few hundred miles from where you lived your entire life, eh? She is hoping to hold a service up in yorkshire. I haven't spoken to her yet, she told my dp, probably knowing my reaction, I think. It just looks so bad to the others in yorkshire too.

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lalalonglegs · 19/01/2011 20:26

Maybe they will change their mind when they find out the costs of transporting your uncle's body down to the south east.

Should have said earlier, sorry for your loss.

ddubsgirl · 19/01/2011 20:26

shame his friends cant be there to say goodbye,my dp uncle died in belfast few years ago they knew alot of the family couldnt get over so had funeral over there and he was cremated and then they came over here and had half his ashes buried with his parents and rest of the family got to say goodbye,maybe you & your mum could do something like that?take ashes back to yorkshire and have a little do so everyone can say goodbye?

hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 20:27

I'm glad that his last two weeks were with us at christmas, we had a good time. I think the reasoning is purely selfish - none of them took the time to visit in hospital, and they can't be bothered to take the time out to go up there. One cousin even asked if it could be on a certain day so he didn't miss his daughter's driving test re take!

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ddubsgirl · 19/01/2011 20:27

sorry missed the bit about his parents,are they up north?or buried down here?

hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 20:29

lalalonglegs, we are closer in sussex to where he died, would cost money wherever he was cremated, I think.

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hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 20:30

Parents buried in yorkshire, we are on the south coast in sussex.

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lalalonglegs · 19/01/2011 20:31

Oh dear Sad.

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 20:32

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ddubsgirl · 19/01/2011 20:33

me too hop :) i would have service down here and then take ashes back home and bury them with your granparents,you will need to get premission from the cemerty to do this but shouldnt be a problem,and then his friends can say goodbye too

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 20:34

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hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 20:37

Exactly, Madamdeathstare. My mum has just phoned, I'm going to try and help her with insisting on a service and burying the ashes with his parents. I hate death, it so often brings out the shitty bits of people.

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whatdoiknowanyway · 19/01/2011 21:05

My father died just before Christmas and many people couldn't get to his funeral because of the snow.
We're burying his ashes with my mother's ashes later in the year. We'll have a short service and the extended family will come.
The graveyard is a long way from where we all live but it's what they wanted. When we buried mum's ashes there it was a very comforting service and we arranged for food after so everyone had a chance to talk properly.
Hope you manage to work out something similar.

SlightlyJaded · 19/01/2011 21:10

So sorry for your loss hip

You know what' I think I would try and shame the sisters into doing the right thing. Can you call the most 'influential' one and tell her that you, your mum, your uncles friends etc are all upset that his wishes are not being respected and that a 'vote' is not really the most compassionate way to resolve this?

WelshSara · 19/01/2011 21:19

hip Agree totally with SlightlyJaded, I'd speak up. I'm one to respect my elders and the decisions they make, but in this instance, especially sine they're being so callous, I'd say something. It's not as if you're a petulant child wanting your own way, your views have a right to be aired, more so since it seems that you're the only one thinking of your dear Uncle. I'm sorry for your loss, and you're right, death brings out the very worst in people, but unless he has his wish, a whole community of folk up there won't get the chance to mourn a friend, and say goodbye. And it may play on your mind that your Uncle's wishes weren't respected. Say something. You're doing it for the right reasons.

hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 21:25

It's the sisters and one brother that think he should be down here, slightlyjaded, so no chance. It's sounding like they don't even want his ashes to go back to yorkshire, though not decided yet.
Madamdeathstare, that's the part I hate, they are not giving his friends and other family a chance to say goodbye if he's to stay here with us.

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MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 21:27

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hophophippidtyhop · 19/01/2011 21:35

The executor is the husband of one of the sisters. He is staying neutral apparently and saying that he won't do anything until they have made their decision. Not sure where the initial payment is coming from, not my mum though. It's one of those impossible situations, my mum feels rather overpowered, by them, I think.

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MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 23:57

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