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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want my friend to butt out and let me be pregnant my way?

35 replies

OrangeBatter · 19/01/2011 15:00

Right then, from the top.

I have known this woman as a casual acquaintace for over 20 years. Over the last couple of years we've got to be great friends.

I already have children, and recently found myself pregnant again. I won't lie. This baby was unplanned, it comes at a very difficult time for us financially and I am on the older end of the scale so there was a greater than usual risk of disability.

I told her quite early on, my partner and I had already decided that, providing all tests were good we would welcome our new addition, and if there was any sign of disability we would discuss the situation again, as most couples would, but in the mean-time we would keep it to ourselves.
Stupidly I told my friend fairly early on. I was worried about the tests and wanted some support.

What did I get?
"OOOOOOHHHHHH WE'RE HAVING A BABY"!!!!!!!
...erm not necessarily...it's early days yet
"No!!! we're having a BABY!!!"

I tried to explain some of the conditions the baby could have and she just said "well you can just give it to me then"

She tried to talk me out of the amnio due to the miscarriage risks. I didn't tell her I'd done it till after and she was "oh so you decided to do it then, even after what I said"

She rings me all the bloody time. It's like having a stalker. If I don't answer my mobile she rings the house phone, then texts and emails.

I got the results of my amnio (good) and didn't tell her till she rang the next day, and she got the hump.

I put my scan photo on facebook, so I could share with the friends I don't see so much. She's taken that as an invite to tell everyone else. Not all my friends "do" facebook but if she's seen them first she's told them.

She was listing things she wanted to buy me, despite me telling her I already have everything a baby could need, and how she was going to customise things (to her style not mine).

She keeps going on about what fun "WE" are going to have and how she's going to look after the baby all the time.

I feel a bit bad, she can't have children, but has babys in her close family and she's not like this with them, but another of my close friends has also been unable to have children and her only input was that she'd look after my other children/collect them from school whenever I needed.

I've even started trying to distance myself but it's not working.

And yes, I've namechanged because I have a sneaking suspicion she might frequent these parts occasionally.

Blimey...thats long isn't it?! Ah well better out than in.

OP posts:
Tryharder · 19/01/2011 15:05

Well, it's obviously annoying you but try to see it from her POV. Presumably she wants children very badly and sadly cannot have them.

Would it really hurt you to let her share the joy you get in being pregnant and having a baby?

YAB a bit U.

elephantjelly · 19/01/2011 15:10

yabu

if you are friends then tell her to back off and calm down.

I think you sound lucky to have someone who wants to support you and share the experience.

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 15:12

Congratulations!!

YANBU

Of course it's really exciting when someone you are close to is having a baby, especially if it's unexpected and you can't have any yourself.

However, you not we are having a baby and she does need to respect this a bit!

I think you are unfortunately going to have to start being a bit blunt with her. As nicely as you can, but whatever it takes - otherwise you wont even be talking by the time the baby arrives!!

IF someone recognises themself from this maybe it will help them to see how over the top it is when it's written down like this!

TrillianAstra · 19/01/2011 15:12

YANBU - she sounds bonkers saying that "we" are having a baby. She is not having a baby. You are. You and your DH. Not her.

liquiditytrap · 19/01/2011 15:15

YANBU

but look on the bright side, free babysitting when the kid arrives

Original poster
OrangeBatter · 19/01/2011 15:53

I can see your points. Thing is, I'm quite a private person in real life (and I know the facebook thing doesn't say that but all my facebook friends are people I have known well or distant family). I don't like the whole town knowing everything about me.

She was told at about 18 that if she wanted children she should have them before she was 30, but she didn't. I do sympathise. But, I'm not her surrogate.

I do want to share the joy, but I do feel like she wants to take over, and its all for her benefit. It's like this is the very first baby ever born and I'm so very special for doing it.

Before I got pregnant we had normal chats about normal things, now it's baby baby baby, and that is not the sort of person I am.

I did try to tell her to calm down earlier, but her life seems to be one long SQUUEEEEE- fest as far as me and bump are concerned.

And to be totally honest I'm not sure I'd want to leave the baby with her anyway.

She's always been quite needy though. DH thinks she's a loon!

OP posts:
curlymama · 19/01/2011 16:05

YANBU

If you want to stay friends with her you will have to tell her to back off a bit. It sounds like she will be even worse once the baby has actually arrived. If you are not too bothered about the freindship, ten you can start to drastically distance yourself from her.

melikalikimaka · 19/01/2011 16:08

I don't think I would leave baby with her! Oh dear, think you will have to have a heart to heart with her.

manicbmc · 19/01/2011 16:30

Run, run like the wind!

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 16:35

That would creep me out. I feel sorry for her that she can't have children but she's over stepping the mark.

lololizzy · 19/01/2011 16:46

i can't have kids (am on MN as step mum to be) and also because MN isn't all child related anyway..but i digress..i've had moments of bitterness and envy (in private moments) but i would never ever talk to a pregnant friend in this way! She is bang out of order!
I've always been genuinely happy for pregnant friends. Put a lot of distance between you and her.If she asks why, say her negativity is not healthy for you right now.

lololizzy · 19/01/2011 16:48

sorry read that wrong, as in she was saying it wasn't an official baby yet as early days. Ok..she's obv v excited, but being a bit OTT to say the least!

Bunnynamedstanely · 19/01/2011 16:49

In response to an earier post we tried for many years to get pregnant before I finally had my DCs and I would never dreamed of behaving this way with any of my friends not even my sister who had two children while we couldn't. This isn't 'sharing your joy' it is jyst a bit weird. Especially as this isn't your first. YANBU. Back away slowly from the scary stalker woman.

TattyDevine · 19/01/2011 16:56

She sounds a bit camp and flamboyant with the "we" etc

I love people like that, as it turns out!

But I feel your pain...

JumpOnIt · 19/01/2011 16:57

YANBU!!!! Not in the slightest! It's your pregnancy and while she may be a friend, it's really none of her business what you do. I can understand that you will want to be sensitive to her situation and it's normal to discuss these things with your friends but it's really up to you how much involvement she has. Don't feel bad about being polite but firm, if that's what you want to do. :)

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 17:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 19/01/2011 17:02

I think she is sad that it's you and not her that is having a surprise baby. But you are her very dear friend so she has to be happy for you. I think she is overcompensating for the fact that she doesn't feel as happy for you as the rational part of her thinks she should.

I would cut her some slack for a bit and hope she calms down soon. How long is it since you told her you are pg?

Original poster
OrangeBatter · 19/01/2011 17:26

I'm almost 20 weeks and first told her at about 6.

Her SIL had a baby a couple of years ago and she was perfectly fine, and they are very close.
It's so bloody wierd. She's always been a bit of a touchy feely type but I can't even have a sensible conversation with her lately. A discussion on the tax rise was punctuated with regular "eeeep!" and pointing at my belly. The bigger I get the worse she is.

I'm going to try and get a bit of distance over the next couple of days. Difficult as lack of communication on my part means double the effort on hers.

Might have to fake my own death at this rate.

OP posts:
StormInaCCup · 19/01/2011 17:29

Oooh, a difficult one. I would be inclined to back off the friendship a bit - make it clear that you're finding her and her reactions a bit overwhelming, and hopefully she'll soon tone it down. I think its best to do this now so you have time to get it sorted before the baby arrives and she turns into a fully fledged PITA.

I do have some sympathy with her though, as the excitement doesn't sound to be coming from a 'bad place.' Having been on both sides of the fence (told I may be infertile but now pregnant - whoop!) I can imagine that she is relishing the prospect of being part of your baby's life and will probably make a wonderful auntie figure. You just need to make sure that she realises that there are limits to your relationship, and that ultimately you and your DH make the decisions.

All the best & congratulations btw!

StormInaCCup · 19/01/2011 17:33

Oh, but I fully sympathise about the pointing at your bump orange batter Every single time I go around to my Dad's he bends over hands on knees (at eye-bump level) and has a proper good appraisal. It makes me feel very uncomfortable although I don't really understand why.

Women at work do this too - if I was 'just' bump I wouldn't mind, but as I have put on a bit of weight too it does make me feel quite vulnerable and annoyed.

MoonGirl1981 · 19/01/2011 17:34

Firstly; Congrats!!

Secondly; blimey, let her take over!

You can send her shopping, she can cook your meals, massage your feet, walk your dog...........!

It's sad that she can't have her own children and she probably is just really excited for you and wants to help.

Have you asked to calm down? Even jokingly?

perfectstorm · 19/01/2011 17:44

I think anyone who thinks YABU is unaware of what hell a needy, needy person can be. Even nice things done for you can be cringily unwelcome from someone who is trying to suck your soul out through your nostrils, as my husband once described it.

I sympathise. And I think you need to tell her to back off because she is crowding you and it is not her baby to monopolise. Only, er, more nicely. Blush

anonacfr · 19/01/2011 17:54

YANBU.

She said you could always give her your baby????
She was questioning your choice of medical care?

I get that she's excited but I find the whole post rather creepy. I don't mean to be flippant but there's a distinct 'Hand That Rocks the Cradle' vibe to this.

Aims80 · 19/01/2011 18:12

YANBU.. I'd just ease off on the contact a bit, don't ignore her but don't answer ALL her calls/texts/emails etc and don't see her quite so much. Hopefully she'll ease off a bit.

Original poster
OrangeBatter · 19/01/2011 18:34

Seeing it written down does make it look a bit creepy.

Only today I said "look, I'm not special I'm just one woman having a baby, like there are thousands of women having babies and there have been since forever" or words to that effect, but "no, you ARE special".

DH was there. His face was a picture!

Maybe the softly softly approach isn't working and I should just tell her to pack it in or I'm not having anything else to do with her. I'd hate to do that as up till now she's been a fantastic and perfectly normal mate.

And thanks for the congratulations. Despite initial misgivings about the whole situation, I think it's the kick up the backside we needed. Smile

OP posts:
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