I'm worried about DD's state of mind.

[beatrixkitto]

Name changed on this one.

Bit of background first.

EXP and I split when DD was 5 (3 years ago)

Since then we have a strained relationship with regard to access, in the respect that he would change his contact with her at very short notice. He used to see DD every other weekend, all weekend and the weekends in between would have her over on a friday night and bring her home on a saturday, he also used to have her over for tea one night during the week. I have always been very flexible with regards to these short notice arrangements, even when it meant canceling a weekend away as exp canceled at short notice seeing his daughter.

Fast forward to the last 9 months (since I married my husband and we had a baby, and he married his partner)

He has canceled all of his maintenance payments and has started to want more access and contact with his daughter.

I have no problem with him having more access to his daughter at all, I have never made it difficult for him.

Since Christmas I have contacted the CSA as he is still refusing to pay and has now started to get really irate with me again with regard to access, demanding seeing his daughter at certain weekend rather than others i have tried to be as flexible as possible but we have a life too and can't always change things at the drop of a hat.

DD went to her dads this weekend (another weekend that he had demanded to see her) came home on Sunday evening and was in absolute pieces. she came home at 6pm and was crying until 11pm! at first she wouldn't tell me why she was crying then it came out that Daddy had really shouted at her at the weekend over washing her hair and he had also been arguing with his wife. she was petrified also that daddy was going to take her away and she'd never see me again, she said that she had been having dreams about it also. i have never seen anything like it, she has been so low over the past few months and i hadn't put the two and two together till now.

He text me last weekend to say that he was going to see a solicitor regarding access and that i need to be very careful?

My daughter has since decided that she doesn't want to go to her dads for the next few weeks, tbh I think she is scared of him, he is 6'4 and is well built and when he shouted at her she must have been terrified.

I just don't know what to do for the best now, she really doesn't want to see him for a while but yet, he is going to think it is me changing his access arrangements which will look great when he goes to see his solicitor on the 28th.

i bought her a cheap mobile last year so she could speak to her dad when she's at home and so i could call her when she's at her dads for the weekend. She decided to turn her phone off last night and put it away as she didn't want to speak to him.

(BTW she is now not allowed by him to take her phone there at weekends, so that i cant speak to her)

I really don't know how to handle this I have tried to call him to discuss how she is feeling and he refuses to answer.

Can somebody please give me some advice, she is so, so sad, heartbroken in fact and i really don't know how to help her, i cried myself to sleep on sunday night because i am so worried about her.

joni,

I understand what you are saying, but this is solely her decision - not mine.

I have been very encouraging of her having regular contact with her Dad for the past 3 years or so... That is why I feel so guilty

She is very young to be making such a monumental decision but as another poster has said her wishes and feelings will be taken into account. You have to be very careful (as I'm sure you will be) that your feelings towards your ex are not transferred onto her otherwise she'll feel utterly torn. Have you spoken to him about her concerns and how he could change in order to resolve the situation?

I know, she is very young which is why I have given her a few days to calm down (since sunday) and I have told her that she doesn't have to make any rash decisions now, that she can just take a break from it all for the time being, I really don't know what else I can do tbh.

I have tried to speak to him by calling him, he wont answer. He is a -cunt- dick for doing this to his daughter he really is.

was supposed to cross out cunt

I think it would be a good thing to consentrate on the break fro dd as if you get to cout most likely some contact will be granted. your dds feelings and welbeing will be considered, but generaly it is viewed some contact is better than no contact. maybe contact centre etc.

Don't put her through seeing him if it upsets her so much. Let him go through court to get access, that way it will be organised through a court order and if she doesn't want to see him, it ont get organised at all.

wont

Court proceedings can be tough/expensive but I suppose they may help you iron out all the problems and ultimately help your dd. I hope it turns out well.

Not saying this is the case here, but something to be aware of & possibly bare in mind with Kids this age, our friends DD went through a similar thing with 1 of her DDs, difference was her & the ex had ironed out their difference & have a good relationship & could get their heads together & talk.....so it was picked up on pretty quickly,

turned out that the DD was playing her Dad for more gifts, treats, attention as her School friends with estranged Dads used to boast about what their own Dads did with them & spent on them during their visits & promises of flashy gifts & rooms if they moved in with Dads etc....turned out she felt left out, so was trying to push her (Skint) Dad into doing more for her.....refused to see him too, & accused him of all sorts to get Mum on her side, hysterics & suicide threats included (& not born out by siblings) Mum & Dad got together & called he bluff, said she never had to see him again,.....within a couple of months she was begging to see him again & owned up to making it all up & why when she was told she couldn't

My own Dd is a similar age, & from her & friends they do seem to be quite emotionally sensitive at that age, DD often accuses my own 6'5" Man mountain of shouting & scaring her, & he;s mr Gentle Giant & doesn't shout...does tell her off for misbehaving though, & thats when the accusation come

As I say, you know best & I can totally see that you would want to do what you feel best for your DD based on what you are seeing, it sounds awful & I feel for you, but as upsetting as it is, do try & keep an open mind...just incase

having PR or not is not a prerequisite to seek contact. my exP has not got PR but has had contact ordered.

if he is planning to apply to court, you couild let him do so - oor you could pre empt and file for residency. as part of residency eharing, cotact wil be discussed. if he gets shared residency he would prob get PR with it. otherwise he has to apply for PR.

get your DD to GP and referred tos e eif third party profressional confirms the issues.

offer to go to mediation with your ex. if he intends taking to court you will get letter of intent first - at which point you can say "lets talk in mediation" .

She sounds scared and he sounds irrational.

Seek legal advice and maybe talk to your daughters school about the situation. This will mean that if he attempts to contact her there or turns up in person, they are aware and know what action to take. Also, if her teachers are aware, they can monitor her well being at school and if they can confirm the impact your ex is having on her, they may be able to back you up during legal proceedings by confirming that they have seen changes in your DC too as of late.

Your DC sounds terrified and I would definitely be concerned. I don't know any child that would think thier father would kidnap them unless something was very wrong.

What a horrible situation for you all!

I agree you have to protect your DD from his excessive behaviour - but is there some way that you can let him see her, supervised, so that he cannot claim YOU are denying him access? What about his parents - are they in the picture at all - can you take your DD to them and say he can see her there?

It is great that you are getting legal advice and the GP involved so quickly and I hope that they can give you professional guidance on how best to handle this.

A while back I would have said you had nothing to fear - but a couple of things that have happened to other posters recently have made me doubt the courts' integrity to some extent. So - whilst keeping your DD's wishes paramount, see if you can reach some kind of compromise with your ex so that contact isn't lost completely. Then you have shown that you are doing your utmost to accommodate the bastard fuckwit him.

From now on everything between you needs to be in written form, either text, email or letters. Remove the phone from your DD and only let her speak to him if you are right there.

Lawyer up and get it all formalised via CSA and the courts. He clearly cannot be trusted with a flexible arrangement.

I'm not a lawyer but have had personal experience of this with a friend - I went through the court process with her as her 'support'.

This was a few years ago now, but it's my understanding that if you go to court to formalise contact, you can be granted a residence order as part of that. In the case of my friend the threat of the father snatching the child had been made. Therefore the judge granted her a residence order to protect her position of primary carer, saying that in the event of the father trying to snatch the child or actually doing so, the police would act immediately if a residence order is in place. Without one it's not so clear.

Anyway it's good you're seeing a solicitor next week as they can clarify this all for you.

Don't feel guilty about stopping contact; you are just doing what you must to protect your DD.