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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at friend correcting ds?

51 replies

whethergirl · 18/01/2011 21:50

Me and my close friend have ds's the same age (6). We are very different in our parenting in that friend is very ambitious with her ds, has always given him extra academic lessons at home and is basically trying to raise a genius. I'm really laid back about that kind of stuff. She does go on a bit about how clever her ds is, how advanced for his age he is, what his latest report has said, how he is top in everything at school etc. TBH it can get quite boring and I find it quite crass to be continually boasting about your own ds. But I just smile and let her get on with it.

Lately though, she has started correcting my ds as he sometimes mispronounces a certain letter. TBH, I've never thought of it as a problem, the only time I've corrected him is if we are actually sounding out words for homework. It's quite minor though, I think he'll just grow out of it and tbh I don't want to draw attention to it or make him feel conscious about it.

AIBU to think she's over stepping the mark by correcting him? Surely that's my job and at my discretion?

OP posts:
tomhardyismydh · 19/01/2011 00:11

she is not simply correcting your dc she is patronising him and putting him down.

I do model the correct sound when dd gets "th" sound wrong it is lazy and habit forming pronunciation but she just automaticly repeats it when I do. I must say it does slip some times, the are not robots.

I would have to say something to her, if not I would tell dc to ignore it as she is being a pedant. and just turn it into laugh between you and dc that she is sooooooo stuffy with sounds.

goodasgold · 19/01/2011 00:29

I went into a long rant then, but I agree with TomHardyismydh.

WimpleOfTheBallet · 19/01/2011 00:32

YANBU...my nephew is 7 and hass a number ofwords he says incorrectly...I would NEVER pick up on it! That's for his parents and teachers.

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 01:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sparkle12mar08 · 19/01/2011 07:57

It's very, very rude of her, but I do think proper speech is incredibly important and I do my utmost to correct my own dc tbh. It's an uphill battle but it is important and you need to be consistent. Few things can so (unjustly) portray such a poor impression than incorrectly formed speech imo. But it's your place to do this not hers. Drop her and walk away without a backwards glance.

Original poster
whethergirl · 19/01/2011 09:50

Steady on! I've known her for nearly 20 years and we've been through a lot together. I'm not going to drop her over this, she has good intentions but I just don't agree with them and think she is so OTT thing.

sparkle, I do believe that as children grow and develop they are bound to go through phases where certain sounds are difficult to pronounce. I prefer to model and mostly during homework time, otherwise I would rather my ds speak freely and imaginativley without having to worry about how he pronounces every sound.

MadamDeathstare, I don't think she's worried about my ds being competition for her little genius. What's french for "Why don't you concentrate on your own ds and leave me the fuck alone, I am 5 and having fun."

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 19/01/2011 09:53

I mean, "She is so OTT about child education." I'm not sure how "thing" got there.

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Ealingkate · 19/01/2011 09:58

Sometimes people do this sort of thing because they feel they have considered the position on this, and "know" what the best thing to do is. It's kind of an implied assumption that you have not considered your position on the issue.
If it were me I would just explain your position on development to your friend and respectfully ask her to respect what you want for your child and that she not correct him.

prettymuchapixiegirl · 19/01/2011 10:00

She sounds up her own arse! I really don't like people like that. Fair enough if she wants to be competitive about her own child but to try and correct your child is IMO passive aggressive behaviour towards yourself "Awwww let me show you how to parent your child as you're having a good go but not managing it as well as I do"

Something like that would put me off seeing a friend.

valiumredhead · 19/01/2011 10:05

YANBU . How rude of her!

GwynAndBearIt · 19/01/2011 10:07

I agree whethergirl, keep the correcting / 'modelling' mostly to homework/reading times or at least to times when he can clearly hear and see what you are correcting him on. If he's corrected too often it will be in one ear and out the other!

I would say to your friend (to one side) next time she tries to correct him that you know he does this but you are dealing with it, please don't try to do it too because you don't want to make a big thing out of it.

Plumm · 19/01/2011 10:25

Next time she does it tell her you've spoken with his teacher and they say it's a normal part of learning and should only be corrected in a formal setting (ie while doing homework).

MadamDeathstare · 19/01/2011 12:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eaglewings · 19/01/2011 12:46

Make her stop now, she is making my head spin talking about 'the blue sweet'!

My sister is a speech therapist and never corrected my ds, but did a little work with after I asked her to, but he had far more problems than Le

I'd want to tell your friend that kids grow up far too quickly and I want mine to be happy first, then fulfilled but never pushed. But then if you have known her 20 years you will be more polite than me (or her!)

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 19/01/2011 12:51

That's definitely over stepping the mark!

I think it's natural to many of us to do what we'd do with our own to a certain extent so if he says 'Le cat is black' - to say 'Yes, THE cat is black' and I'd be fine with that - but what she is doing is not on.

You have to say something and tbh if she can't take that after being friends for 20 years then maybe you do need to reasses your relationship.

I am actually gob smacked at what she said to your DS - I look a lot like this >>> Shock

Imarriedafrog · 19/01/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TandB · 19/01/2011 13:00

Why don't you tell her he's French. That will confuse her for a good long while.

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 13:11

Don't really know what you can say to her but think you should say something.

Just wanted to say that I agree with your parenting attitude to education so don't let her make you or your ds feel inferior.

monkeyflippers · 19/01/2011 13:25

Also maybe you should do a bit a research into this. I'm sure to be pushed from a young age can't be healthy and it wouldn't suprise me if it makes people more likely to suffer depression or something later in life. If you find something to back this up and mention it then it might stop her going on about it all the bloody time! Ah peace!

bupcakesandcunting · 19/01/2011 13:46

YANBU although at least it was your friend that did it. DS got corrected by a stupid auld biddy perfect stranger in the library yesterday. DS who is 3 went up to her and showed her his book (he is very friendly Blush) and he said "I am going to buy this book now, it's got cockatoos in it." She went "What? You're going to what? No,no, no you're going to borrow it, not buy it."

I think my cat's bum mouth alerted her to my pissed off-ness because she then started going "and isn't it lovely, that we don't have to pay for the book? We can take them home FREE!"

Hmm Cock knocker.

Original poster
whethergirl · 20/01/2011 10:54

Ealingkate & prettymuch - I know, that's what gets on my nerves, does she think I haven't noticed or if I have, that I'm not dealing with it in my way?? If I wanted advice, I'd ask her, but maybe she doesn't consider that I don't actually agree with her pushy parenting style.

BTW, I'm quite happy for her to correct my ds if he is misbehaving, "don't snatch, that's not nice" etc. like I do to her ds, we're close enough for that. But I think she's getting the boundaries confused.

Grin @ madamdeathstare. I just can't believe the French have got away with it for so many years can you. In fact I've noticed they tend to mispronounce all their words in their twisted version of the English language.

Funny thing is, when I was at her house last time, she had this wooden cryptic puzzle thing on the table, which my ds attempted. Rather than let him get on with it, she started helping "I always do the edges first, it makes more sense that way. If you do the edges, the rest will fall into place. Do the edges, why not do the edges first, it's the best way to do the edges...." Thankfully, ds just ignored her and said "I want to do it my way." By some fluke(and i mean fluke, ds has no patience for even normal jigsaw puzzles and has completed about 4 in his lifetime) he completed it. She was in shock as her genius ds couldn't do it!

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 20/01/2011 10:58

monkeyflippers, I tried that in the beginning, when she was teaching her ds to read & write at age 2. I politely offered that it wouldn't really help to learn at this age and that kids in many other countries don't learn until they are 7, and research has showed that they are no worse of academically in the end. Deaf ears. "Oh really?...anyway he can do the whole alphabet backwards now..."

OP posts:
Original poster
whethergirl · 20/01/2011 11:05

bupcakesandcunting (love your username), cock knocker indeed! I have another pushy parent friend who teaches her 4 year old EVERYTHING and is very serious about doing so. Recently, after my ds said "Mum, is the sun made out of egg?" She turned to her ds smugly and said "Ds, do you remember the names of the two gases the sun consists of?" To which he replied "Oh yes! Tibia and Fibula!"
I had a good old snort at that one.

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taffetacat · 20/01/2011 11:15

ROFL @ sun made out of egg

I think you're getting your knickers in a bit of a twist, tbh, for someone so laidback.

I think you should cut your friend a bit of slack, it sounds to me like she has a bit of a chip about not being well spoken and wants to ensure her child grows up at a seeming advantage to her. I would take the line that she has started doing it to your child too as she likes you and your child.

Unless your DS is getting upset by it, I'd let it pass. If it starts bothering him rather than you, then thats a different matter.

Feelingsensitive · 20/01/2011 11:21

YANBU. She is stepping over the mark. I have a friend who tells my children off, not in the way I would expect, as in if I am not looking or something. But constantly whilst I am in the room. One day it just went too far, she kept telling DS (2) off for nothing. At one point she was chastising DS for knocking a puzzle on the floor and not picking it up. He was happy enough picking each piece up one at a time to do the puzzle rather than picking it all up at once onto the table. She kept saying "come on X pick all the pieces up". I said about 3 times that it was fine to have it on the floor as he was using it anyway rather than just leaving it and expecting me to pick it up. She just spoke over me to ignore me until I snapped at her. She looked Shock and I just said I didnt feel I needed her to tell my children off if I am in the room as thats my job. She doesnt do it now. I wouldnt advocate waiting until you are at breaking point before saying something. I would try ans step in earlier and say it when calm. Just be direct and say you would like her to stop correcting your son as you feel he will sort out his pronunciation in his own time.