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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To try and help my 11 yr old ds sort out a friendship problem?

49 replies

Bluebell99 · 18/01/2011 17:05

My ds has just gone up to the local high school in September. He is very shy but was part of a group of four good friends. One of them now spends alot of time with his older brother and has made friends with another boy.
Two weeks ago my ds fell out with one of the other two, because his friend got sick of my ds asking if they had any science hw (?!) Now the other two aren't speaking to him and are saying he is no longer their friend!

It all sounds a bit of a todo about nothing but my ds has been friendless now for two weeks!!

I know the other boy's mother, and am wondering if i should ring her and see if she has any idea why her ds is ignoring mine or if my ds has done any thing to upset him.

They have been friends for about four years.

I don't like seeing my ds so unhappy.

OP posts:

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 17:18

No, don't do it!
My DS was the same at 11, he went to the same school as 2 friends, they met another and had a great group of 4. One of the 'old' friends moved away and the new friend cut DS out (it was the thing that you thought you escaped with boys). DS was very low, there was 'no one' to be a friend with, he had reasons against anything else, in a clique, not the same interests etc. It was dreadful but eventually he found other friends and was quite happy. He never got back the old friendship, which had been close for 5 years. You just can't sway things. Encourage other friendships and joining things out of school.

kepler10b · 18/01/2011 17:21

i think you can only do things to encourage him to cope better and sort things out for himself. you can't force children not to fall out with each other or be friends.

Original poster

Bluebell99 · 18/01/2011 17:24

I do encourage him to do other stuff out of school, so he has lots of interests, but no one from those clubs goes to his school. Several friends in the year below who are of course still at primary.

He fell out with this boy a couple of months ago when he was going away for the weekend with the family so on that ocasion I had to ring the mother, and it had been a misunderstanding.

Why do you say don't do it though? Do you think it could make things worse? Think he should sort things out himself?

OP posts:

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 19:02

You just can't sort out things for your DCs, I wish that you could but it isn't possible.
You could ask her, but make sure that she knows it is in confidence and the DSs are not to know because it could backfire and make matters worse.

AgentZigzag · 18/01/2011 19:15

When you ask why you can't intervene, to put it bluntly how would that sound?

An 11 YO has his mum sort out his mates for him?

Not only does it not teach him to sort stuff for himself, but if the mum passed it on to her son asking what's going on, he's going to have the piss ripped out of him from everyone.

I say this as someone who had terrible trouble all the way through school, so I'm not being unsympathetic.

I feel awful when DD1 has any trouble at school, and if it were up to me she wouldn't go.

But in my heart I know learning how to mix with people you don't like in a place you don't want to be is good practice for the shitsville that is work.

onceamai · 18/01/2011 19:19

He needs to learn to sort his own stuff out. This is all part of the transfer to secondary. He is growing up and will make friends of his (and their) choice from now on. Please don't humiliate him by telling the other mum he's upset because, etc., etc.. It will get back to the other boy and your ds will end up a laughing stock.

pointydug · 18/01/2011 19:22

yabu. He's 11, he has to do this on his own. By all means, chat to him and suggest plans of action but you certainly shouldn't go to the other boys' mums.

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 19:26

I would play safe and not even ask her in confidence, unless you are absolutely sure that she would keep to herself. If it was me I'm afraid that I would just say that I had no idea and didn't intend to get involved.
Life isn't always easy and they have to learn how to handle these things for yourself.

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 19:27

Other action is the way to go.

AgentZigzag · 18/01/2011 19:29

It's possible he'll hook up with someone else kicking about on their own, some great friendships start out like that and have a lot in common with each other.

tulpe · 18/01/2011 19:31

Agree with the views which say to let Bluebell's DS sort it for himself. As hard as it may be to take a back seat, ultimately he does need to find his own way of handling it/moving on to other friends. It is possible that even if you speak with the other mum she may just say "so what?" or that could be the reaction of her DS. In which case you have got no further in sorting things and your DS could be on the receiving end of more humiliation.

Quick hijack aimed at those who say don't interfere.......Do you think this applies only to secondary school aged children? What if DCs were still in primary? Would it be okay to intervene then? Or is it always a no-no?

AgentZigzag · 18/01/2011 19:42

I think in any situation at school tulpe, if you've decided it doesn't cross the fine line over into bullying, it's always a good idea to try and get the DC to learn to sort it out for themselves.

At primary, if they've tried themselves and it's not doing anything, and then spoken to the teacher about it, it's definately more acceptable for parents to get along to speak to the teacher.

It's difficult to know what to do though isn't it?

MillyR · 18/01/2011 19:53

I think you should phone and speak to the head of year or head of lower school. It is not comparable to a work place situation. If I were at work and some of my colleagues decided they were not going to speak to me, they would be at risk of losing their jobs.

It is part of bullying to not speak to someone. The other boys are not obligated to be friends with your child but they are obligated to be civil about it. My son's secondary school has a zero tolerance on bullying and there is no way they would allow children to behave in such a way, or for a child to have no friends for 2 weeks.

No wonder so many schools do have bullying problems when adults think it is acceptable for children to decide to not speak to a classmate.

TheVisitor · 18/01/2011 19:58

As the mother of three 11 year olds, you have to let him try and deal with this. Secondary school is a huge transition and former friendships go by the wayside and new ones made. It'd be social suicide for him if you intervene. If he asks you to, that's different, but otherwise, let it be and just reassure him that there are other children in the school. I've had this with 2 out of my 3, and the issues have resolved themselves. I bet your lad is kicking about with other kids instead, he just misses his friend.

AgentZigzag · 18/01/2011 20:03

I don't think it is bullying millyr, he's just not friends with the two lads he used to hang about with, and they're not in any way obligated to talk to him.

Are you saying that the school your DS goes to sorts out the intricate relationships between the children so everyone has friends?

How on earth to they manage to find the time to do that?

pointydug · 18/01/2011 20:30

I don't think it's bullying. FRiendships change throughout school - and oftwn throughout life - and there are awkward times when things shift.

bellavita · 18/01/2011 20:34

I don't think it is bullying either.

You need to leave well alone. As the mum of a secondary school DS I would not dream of doing what you propose. It would make the situation 10 x worse

elinorbellowed · 18/01/2011 20:59

Agree that you have to let him handle it himself. Just let him talk to you as much as he needs to. Give him your love and moral support, but don't interfere. I teach in a secondary school and the kids whose mums are still this involved in friendships at Year 7 never properly settle, and sometimes get bullied later. Save your energy for academic issues and if (god forbid)he is actually bullied rather than just being ignored.
You sound lovely and close to your son, but I feel you should maybe let go a little now.

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 22:04

I don't think it is bullying. Friendships are not static, they change all the time and people outgrowing a friendship can't be expected to stay because it suits the other person. They are not 'not speaking' to him and being unpleasant, they simply don't want to be friends.
I would leave it at primary school as well, for the person who asked, I remember being about 7 or 8 yrs and a mother always interfering so that we were 'friends' with her DC who was very bossy and we resented it enormously.

ilovesooty · 18/01/2011 22:07

Agree with elinorbellowed (I'm a former secondary teacher and HOY)

I don't think it's bullying either. Friendships shift and change and I think the boy needs to sort this out himself - with your support if he wants to talk about it at home.

AgentZigzag · 18/01/2011 22:17

I would like to say though OP, that none of the things posters have said detract from how bad it feels to see your DC going through this.

Seeing people writing that the lads don't want to hang around with your DS, and that even though he's walking round on his own he should sort it out himself, must be hard to read.

He's only at the start of secondary, and it seems to me to be so much more independent than they're used to at primary.

My DD1 is 10 YO, and I'm really, really dreading her going up to secondary, so I didn't want you to think we're just brushing off how you feel.

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 22:26

It is hard, but anyone is lucky if they don't go through life without problems with friendships.

PatPending · 18/01/2011 22:32

Ok, so my DD (and to a much lesser extent DS) fell in and out of friendships on a fairly regular basis from primary onwards.

We took the same tack as our parents did and decided that the DCs could sort it out themselves.

It is ridiculous to involve yourself in their friendships ..... you will end up falling out with parents, only to find that the kids have sorted out between them, leaving you feeling stupid and minus adult friends.

The only time you should get involved is when actual bullying is ocurring. And even then I encouraged my DCs to sort it out themselves unless it was getting really difficult.
We only intervened twice when it was absolutely justified (actual physical violence) and we were taken seriously as a result.
Children have to learn that people change allegiance, are fickle, disappoint, surprise and delight, sit on the fence, or not always trustworthy, etc. etc......
Stay out of it. Really

Lamorna · 18/01/2011 22:38

I remember my mother saying that very thing when we were young PatPending and I thought it very wise and have followed it.
Girls are 10 times worse, with some of them you need tissues on permanent standby. It is a learning curve and you can't do it for them. You can just support and help them move on.

Slambang · 18/01/2011 22:43

Almost exactly this happened to my shy ds last term. In fact I think you may be me .
Ds ended up in high school in the same form as his group of friends from primary. One of these 'friends' is very cool and popular. Everyone wants to be in his group. One day Mr Popular decreed that ds was no longer one of the group because he always 'hung around' with them. (Well yes, said ds, they are my friends so of course I hang around with them). Mr P made it clear that if you were ds's friend you weren't Mr P's friend. DS came home absolutely devestated. It was heart wrenching. Of course none of Mr Popular's cronies wanted to be seen in public with ds for fear of the wrath of Mr P.
So... we talked about who else was in the form that wasn't from ds's primary school, who else could ds hang out with at lunchtime, how he could approach them and get chatting. How to behave unbothered by Mr P. For very quiet ds this was a real challenge but he did it! Now Mr P is once again a 'friend' but he is not the only friend. Ds can take him or leave him as he has other less cliquey mates that are happy not to have to pander to Mr P.

I could have spoken to Mr P's mum - she's very nice and I'm sure she would have wanted to help but I'm so glad I didn't. It just wouldn't have helped ds in the long run. In the end he sorted out his own problem and is much happier for it.

Good luck to your ds - it's a really horrible thing to go through.

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